hey
im really scared/triggered/tearful. Its just been a bad day having bad memories trying hard to achieve something thats never going to happen.
What small things are you struggling with? this world is for everyone and you should be here. Your supporting me even when your struggling which is a credit to you. Maybe just try and do little things each day and see it as an achievement once its done.
*hugs happiness* sometimes with bad memories it can help to write about them, read over what you've written, and then destroy what you've written like you're getting rid of the memories. Allow yourself some space and time to focus on positive things.
I struggle from the moment I wake up because I dread the day ahead and find it hard to get out of bed. I don't do anything that is meaningful to me but I don't even know what would be meaningful because i've lost interest in everything.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Maybe you could find something meaningful to do-make a card for someones birthday? go for a walk? set a small target for each day and gradually build maybe?
Im going to try that i dont know whats brought it all on just one of those days i guess. Im a bit less triggered but still upset.
Nothing i can think of, ive just got into bed i think ill end up sleeping its the only thing that stops me crying etc and im on my own so if i stay up then thoughts etc take over.
the feeling of being trapped is horrible, maybe write out things you would like to do or like to achieve and research ways of doing it? Hope your feeling better today.
Do you hate the fact hes right or the fact you feel you need to go back on APs? It is annoying i was so down about going back on anti depressants but now im on them and feel more normal again its better because i know in the long run it makes things better. Im sorry he was patronizing towards you for calling etc i suppose its his way of being encouraging/supportive. Do you want to talk about what you didnt tell him in here?
Happiness -- I do write alot... i keep a journal. I often forget to write in it, but I am on the 4th one. I don't exactly write about what I would like to do or achieve, its more a journal to rant in and write about I feel and the such. I do end up writing or translating Latin to English alot, which is odd I know, but sometimes it makes me feel better when I do that.
I think I hate both -- that he is right and that I know in my heart that I should be back on APs. I don't think he was patronizing, I think it was more I hate hearing those words and sentences cause I hate feeling or knowing that I need help. Its a heart vs mind battle sort of... in my heart I know that I should be back on AP meds, but in my mind I fight back and say that I don't and the voices compound that.
I didn't tell him i ended up back SHing again. I know it was not a good idea to do, but it was the only way to break the emotional stranglehold of pain and stress I was going through. I have done it twice since I have seen him last week -- much of it is because I am overwhelmed with everything that is going on at work and at home.
~Matt~
Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
*hugs Lindsay* -- I laugh each time I see your sig because I find it hilarious - and yes, I do READ ALL THE BOOKS! LOL
*hugs Mark* -- I hope you are feeling better today
*hugs happiness*
*leaves some goodies (brownies/cookies/candy) on the table*
~Matt~
Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
I am doing okay I guess for right now... kinda like sitting on a neutral plane... but I would say I am liable to slip up depending on if something happens -- and that can even be a small tiny thing
Would you like to talk about it Twisted? If you feel comfortable with doing that.
~Matt~
Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
Matt - I know the feeling, like Lindsey said hold on to that feeling and build upon it. Here if you need to chat. And I should talk about it really, but I wouldn't even know where to begin. I've done somethings that make me hate myself this weekend and I can't take it back or make it go away and so I'm left with this all consuming guilt...
Lindsey - Thank you. =) and the same to you I know what you mean about just concentrating on your online life....you can pretend that real life doesn't exist.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself
to the best others can do,
but to the best you can do.
I've learned that it's not what happens to people,
) How are you today?