Thank you both. I appreciate when people reply, I need all the support I can get. I just want for my emotions to ease a bit but don't know how to get that. I searched online for how to deal with being suicidal and everywhere says the same things and they're not personally helpful for me. I maybe could try and talk to Duty, not today though as they will be finishing soon. I'm thinking that this time next month it will be my birthday which will mean it will be 6 days until Christmas and I don't want Christmas to come because I don't want my brother to visit me. There's something bad going on with him and he won't talk to me or get help. He's always hungover. He rarely even has a general text chat with me any more.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I just wish I had some support. I feel very alone. I phoned Duty but hung up, I'm probably not at a crisis point and they will be more busy since the voluntary crisis team has lost their funding. My joyous discharge letter came from my support worker, it was really very jolly sounding. My Trazodone still hasn't been increased but I don't have any hope that it will be helpful anyway because I have already been on that dose and higher. The Amazon guy delivered someone else's package to me so I went to their house and there was lots of signs about CCTV and a ring doorbell which they didn't answer so I left the package on the step but it's somehow made me feel anxious and upset. I want to kill myself and wish it was easier. I don't get any relief. This time next month will be Christmas Eve. Great. I don't feel good at all.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Seeing as the CMHT aren't giving you any support would paying privately for a counsellor be an option? Then you would have someone to vent to and get a bit of support from each week. I can't remember if you reapplied for benefits or not.
I'm on UC and PIP at the moment. I don't know what I think about seeing a private counsellor, I don't think anyone can help me and I just need someone to talk to and I wouldn't really want to have to pay for that. I have tried phoning Duty today and it went to voicemail. Maybe I just don't deserve support. Everything is getting to me. My cat screeches at me so much and I can't deal with it. I just want him to be quiet but he won't. Nothing around me and inside me will be quiet. Then I fell down the stairs today and nearly started crying because everything is just so hard and I have no one. People communicate with me only to get support from me. It will soon be dark and that always makes things worse. I want to kill myself. I want to at least self harm or overdose but there is a barrier now and even when I can break through that barrier and self harm it doesn't help any more. I watched some videos about how people got through suicidal thoughts and what helped them and none of it applied to me because I don't have professional support and I don't like diamond painting and I don't want to set up my own mental health support group. Even the generic stuff doesn't help me personally. I feel like I am continually suffering and I don't want to do this any more.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Sending many calming vibes to both you and your noisy cat!
It's not at all that you don't deserve support, this country is just a catastrophe. I don't know if it's clear to you but I can certainly see from my experiences on here that whether or not you receive help is dependent on many things, all of which aren't related to how in need of support someone is. It depends on your area, on if you have the Diagnosis of Doom on your record, the general whims of whatever professional is making the decision at that time. Looking at all that, it would be so unwise to infer any correlation between help offered and help needed. Sorry, rant.
I can appreciate not wanting to pay for having someone to talk to and also appreciate that I'm coming from a place of privilege in having the means to afford to pay for it. However I think at some point if you want to move forward from here you may need to reconcile your not wanting to have to pay for something like counselling and the fact that that might be the only way to get that. Yes, we shouldn't have to pay for crucial help but things aren't the way they should be and we can either mourn that situation or work with the imperfect system.
I don't know if any of that makes sense. I think those two things you said about 'deserving' help and also not wanting to pay struck me as quite key barriers to you making progress.
I think the biggest thing is that I don't think anyone can help me since I've tried multiple types of therapy etc in the past.
Sorry for the very little reply to you. I've just been crying lots because nothing is soothing me and I can't think of anything that will help. Even stroking Crookshanks and listening to him purr is doing nothing. I feel so much of an overwhelming emotional pain. And tomorrow I'm meeting up with my brother and I really don't want to.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I think I'm too scared. I did look online for counsellors but yeah, I'm just too scared but it's hard to explain why. I just need to be able to get through to Duty sometimes at least.
Yesterday with my brother wasn't as bad as I was expecting but it did feel like we were putting on a face for each other a bit and he said things that confirmed my worries about him. I had a horrible nightmare about him last night
The following content has been hidden - Reason : sexual assault nightmare
where he was being raped by someone but at the same time he was the rapist and I was trying to kill his rapist and broke a piece off a mug and shoved it into his chest and dragged it down. I could feel the pressure of dragging it and see it was my brother's face.
It was awful. I have nightmares every night.
Today has been ok so far as it usually is. I get on with all my tasks in the morning. It's when it starts to get closer to the evening that things get really bad.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I emailed a charity counselling service that specifically deals with people who are suicidal but I don't actually know if they still operate. I think it would be very short term support and they might not be able to offer me anything. I kind of feel like if they get back to me I should just ignore them. I need to talk to Duty but can't seem to find it in me to phone. Last night I was able to stay up a bit later than usual because I didn't feel as exhausted but I was mostly just standing/sitting wondering if I should stay up because they say only to go to bed when you're tired or if I should go to bed because they also say to go to bed at the same time every night. What are peoples opinions on this? Thank you.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
If they respond you could always ask exactly what help they offer before deciding rather than assuming and dismissing it without knowing for sure.
Even short term support might be helpful and it might help you understand if counselling could be helpful and something you should look for more long term.
I get phoning being hard. Reaching Ng out can be hard especially if it just goes to voicemail.
I would stay up if I wasnt tired and wanted to go to bed later in general
But maybe only by half an hour to an hour for sleep hygiene.
I'm so distressed. Compliance by Muse was playing this morning and I know I have to start serving the men properly. The men communicate through Muse songs as well as other ways and they are telling me they can save me from fear and pain and so many other things. They even mention my fatigue (I just found out my blood results came back fine so I have no idea what to do about it now). I phoned Duty but someone unhelpful answered who just wanted to talk about how my Trazodone wasn't increased yet and she checked the computer and my psych didn't even write to my GP to get it increased so she's going to contact him and then she said goodbye and I didn't even get the support I needed. I need to do some kind of sacrifice for the men but I don't know what. I was going to put Compliance on repeat and go out to find the entrance to the other world or go to the train station to kill myself but I'm too panicky so I listened to it inside. I need to find out a ritual I can do to open up the other world inside my house even though it was scary when it was happening before. I'm ready to serve the men I just need more energy and knowledge of what to do. What is this block inside of me made up of? It's powerful and disabling. I want to be able to easily do the risky things I used to do. I am so confused and alone and trapped. I feel awful. I need a supportive person.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
You don't have to serve the men, you need to look after yourself. I'm sorry the Duty person wasn't helpful. I think listening to Muse is a bad idea but I know how if feels to be communicated to in that way.
Thank you. Things would be better if I was serving the men. I can't look after myself but they can help. I am so low and feel like I'm going to cry. I don't want to face life any more. Duty just phoned back to tell my my psych has been really busy so the letter to increase my Trazodone hasn't been verified yet but should be in the next couple of days and then it will be sent to my GP who will take weeks to sort it out. It's not going to help anyway because I have been on that dose before and higher and it wasn't helping so I was coming off Trazodone. Everything is so hopeless. I feel extra scared knowing my psych has been really busy. Soon everyone will be so busy that I can't get any help.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I need the men. No one else is there for me. I'm going to have to work really hard to serve them and be brave and stop taking my Lurasidone. I need to break through this stupid barrier that is inside me. Maybe it's something I can throw up, bash out, cut out, or maybe I can take my extra meds and that will be enough poison to at least burn a hole in the barrier. I have no idea what the barrier is made up of or where it is inside of me. I need to look for clues but the stupid barrier stops that too. There is no winning. I phoned Duty but I didn't catch the name of the person and I hung up. I think it was someone new. There are so many new people and I need someone who knows me and is helpful. I don't think I can explain everything again. Yesterday when I spoke to Duty she implied that they were busy but she had time to talk. Soon they will be too busy for me because I am a low priority. I can't be alone. I might be able to force myself to take my extra meds.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I know it's not that same as in person support but we are here and don't think you need to do anything harmful to yourself, unlike the men.
I'm so pleased that you emailed a counselling service, I imagine that was a big step for you. I really urge you to not ignore them if they reply. Things as they are are so difficult for you, surely it's worth trying something that might make things better.
Thank you. I don't think the counselling service are going to get back to me. I think it's been past the days that it says they will get back to you. It doesn't feel like people here are here, really, it's quiet. I am grateful to have this place though.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Oh that's a shame. But you reached out and that's still awesome and I hope you'll consider it again at some point, with an organisation that hopefully is still up and running and can get back to you!
I desperately need to talk to someone helpful who knows me. I'm so distressed about the other world stuff and I'm very, very low. My psych will be too busy to think about my antidepressants and I don't see him for months and also antidepressants may not have ever really been helpful, I don't know. I think Venlafaxine helped for a while. I just can't keep feeling like this and I don't know what to do because I have tried so many types of therapy and meds and self help and now the system is falling apart. I feel so alone. I have very few people in my life now that I don't have professional support which is quite sad.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
