Whatever I write here is going to be stupid and pathetic, I just need to talk.
I need people. Kind people in my life, but not too many. I don't want to do anything because that will just sit on top of how I am now and make things overwhelming. I want a hug from someone. I just want to be heard in the here and now. I want everything to be put in place to make my brother's life is secure and a happy one. unidentified things and people are in my head and they're really far away at the moment. This would be the perfect time to kill myself. I wish it was easy. I need my CPN.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm getting a call from my CPN tomorrow in the afternoon. The last time everyone was talking about me volunteering so for that reason that means I'm getting well. I'm not. And I don't know if I can write about what's actually what's going on. My writing is a bit better though but I haven't been writing much because it's doesn't last long being 'normal'. I'm feeling really bad; low, cooking easy meals and then only eating a couple of bites and giving the rest going to the birds. There are more things but I have a constant bucket of them pouring into me constantly.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Hiya one step closer
I hope you are okay, have you received your call from the CPN?
Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. I tried groups, didn't work out just made my depression a lot worse.
My CPN is suddenly off work at this time and no one knows when she might come back. I spoke to a different CPN and she wrote that things were the same as the last time someone spoke to me. She didn't let me express anything. I hope my CPN phones soon but it might be a while and I get really anxious knowing that I could get a call at any random time. I need time to prepare for when someone is phoning.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
My CPN could phone at any day at any time, or not phone at all. She might have COVID again. I hope I'm not making her unwell.
I have no words anyway because I'm always being misunderstood now and even when I know what feelings I'm having I can't translate, and since I don't know when she'll phone me I won't have any days 'warning' so I can try and prepare for the call. My house is huge and empty. How long is this COVID situation going to go on? I can only do minor self harm and it's not enough.
There are no words.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Perhaps call the Mh team, see if you can speak to someone else.
Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. I tried groups, didn't work out just made my depression a lot worse.
The CMHT phoned (I think it was their 0800 number) but I was too anxious to pick it up. I need to talk to my CPN or someone tell me what's happening with my CPN. She/whoever didn't leave a message. I hope I can get to talk to her tomorrow but I'll need to figure out what to say.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
My CPN is on sick again. Is she going to die this time?! I'm so worried and upset. I had to go on a bus to collect my cats meds, the being outside for so long has made me anxious and like I am like I am nothing. I'm getting phone calls from another different CPN.
Also the place where my support worker is from are discharging people who they think they don't need any support and are doing well. That's kind of scary but I think I do want to be discharged. Plus my brother and his partner have split up again. I hope he sticks with what is good for him.
There is too much negativity for me to continue but I am rubbish at killing myself.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
So much ache and misery. I'm trying to keep up my paper diary but it's hard and I've already messed it up. I used to write every day but I haven't do that and there are loads of scribbled over text. I feel like crying. I wish I would just note that I don't have to do absolutely everything on my to do list and that most of the things on my list are not urgent. I can't find anything to soothe myself. Except from other people they will start telling me what to do if they want me to go and look at visiting the food bank.
I'm worried about my brother being like me and he basically is a lot like me. He left work and he spit up with his partner. I know, without formality, that he has MH problems too but he won't look into these things either.
I will never be ok until my brother has sorted his life and feeling in a more positive mood.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I feel like I'm still admitted (hospital) but I'm on a too long pass from hospital. I know it isn't the true thing but there's been so little support and it's just a thought that they left me out of hospital. I just feel like I can't cope with all of this.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
This environment is wrong. I don't feel real. I've been pushed away. I'm being pushed towards a type of self harm but nothing helps in the long run. I am not truly real. I am disappearing again. The black curtain has been put up.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Talking to a different CPN today, I know her though. I've written notes but I still don't think I can describe my reality when she lives in her reality. I don't even know where to start with the way I've been. And then the call will end and I don't know when I'll get another call because this one has been a long wait. I feel very alone.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm so unexplainable. I tried to explain things to the CPN today but she just focused on the basic human stuff. I think I am the only person that is in this world and the other world and I can feel it in my brain. It's lonely. I cry. I am scared and I just want someone to explain to who can understand. I do the things required in this world but I can feel the other world pressing in on me and it's heavy. I can't get away from it. The other CPN is phoning again next week. She said my CPN is going to be off on sick leave for longer than they first thought. What if she's got Covid again and won't recover this time? I'm really worried.
I need someone to tell me it's ok. But it's not ok. I think the CMHT are expecting my meds to work or I'm a failure if they don't, and they might just take them off me and not look at alternatives.
I'm crying but there is no one here to offer me comfort. And this is going to go on forever, all these rules etc. I have no one to walk beside me.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Curveball
I hope I'm not making her unwell.
