So

[Margo]

So let's just say I took an overdose. Then I self harmed. The. I did it some more and now in back at the level I was 7 years ago.

I'm being assessed by the access team tomorrow. I feel a fake and a fraud. I'm so much better than I was.

I told them I have more drugs and intend to use them with alcohol. Who knows if I actually have the guts to do it.

IVe failed. I've failed everyone. Tomorrow they either put me in crisis , send me to a ward or send me home with a few leaflets.

I'm a total failure. I am so ashamed

[Eir]

You haven't failed, you've stumbled. You did well to make 7 years. And you were honest with them so you are letting them help, which is a huge deal, not many people can do that.
*hugs* I hope whatever drove you back to this brink eases off and you feel better soon.

[Margo]

Thanks. My mood is low. I can't stop cutting. It's only a few cuts a day but they are getting deeper and deeper, just like the old days.

I sat on the kitchen floor last night at 1 am with a large ****** tracing my veins over and over again. I didn't do anything. Was more a lovely daydream I guess.

My Gf is scared because she says I make it sound like there is nothing wrong.

I get told I'm a good person and I know deep down I am. but you know what, right now I don't give a **** about anyone.

I'm grinding to a halt again. Worst I've felt for years.

I wish my old friends were here.

[Eir]

I know what you mean. I'm on the verge of relapse myself and I feel as though I know basically no one, and no one knows me. And it sucks.
Was it just low mood that triggered everything? Hope things have gone well with the access team.
*hugs if you need them*

[Margo]

Ive made a promise to both my gf and the People at MIND that I will not take another overdose until I have at least been seen tomorrow.

I've tried to cut as deep as I can. My skin, being one that enjoys healing, keeps closing and making what I have done seems trivial.

Cutting is exhausting. For me it's calculated and controlled. It Feels the only thing I have left in control of my life right now.

I haven't a ****ing clue why I'm writing again.

I'm going to be sober. My heart is heavy and I feel little or no love.

There is a terrible storm ahead. Apparently drowning is quite beautiful.

[Eir]

*hugs*
Try to make it to tomorrow hun. Its a struggle, yes, but you can beat this back till then. Youve done it before.

[Margo]

Thank you. I made it to Monday.

I found out today that whilst off my face i text someone for 4 hours telling them I was going to kill myself. I also found out that I had a similar conversation with a friend about arranging a week in Dorset.

Ok so the Dorset thing is hilarious. The other thing has left me mortified. We spoke about it over coffee today and she was ok about it but I was totally distraught. I had no recollection at all. She's training to be a therapist so dealt with it well and we've moved on. It's left me in a panic all afternoon.

This isn't the first time I've overdosed and left someone upset and had no recollection.

Today I cut myself badly too.

I'm actually scaring myself.

[Eir]

Oh hun, I know finding out that sort of stuff is scary. Stuff you do where you aren't quite there. It's frightening not knowing how much is missing.
It's fortunate that your friend is a trainee therapist. For both of you. She has or is learning the skills to cope with what you said, so i imagine she was the safest personnel for to talk to in that state. And because you seemed to know that, despite the lack of recollection, you can take comfort in the fact that even when you aren't 'there', something in you recognises boundaries and safety
Keep moving forward with this. Get the help you need. I'll keep floating by ryl as much as posdible, you can have a yarn with me, either post or pm me
Others here care for you, despite this being a slow board. Your gf, your friends, they care. I hope things improve for you

[Margo]

I want to write thank you but I can't lift my fingers to type.

I can break make it to the kettle. I've not taken anything. I've not cut. I've not done anything hd t all today. Yet I can barely move.

Still waiting for the access tem to call. It's been a week now. Supposed to go to therapy tomorrow too but I simply can't drive. Told my dad, he shrugged and walked off.

im sorry I haven't thanked you properly

[Eir]

It's all good. The people here have done the same for me in the past, and I'm pretty sure you may be one of the ones who helped me then. Not that that matters. It feels a bit selfish but supporting you is helping me work thru my s*** right now.
Sounds like the MH team is being a bit slack. Is it possible for you to call them again or get someone to call on your behalf? And maybe call your therapist, maybe they will have ideas who might be able to give you a hand getting to and from your appointment, or even organise a phone appointment. I don't know what's available where you are.
I know how exhausting fighting ddepression can be. And dealing with the after effects of 'breaks'. Take care of yourself today, do what you can, do what you need. Very little cannot be put off until tomorrow If need be.
Your dad doesn't sound particularly supportive, but then he may not understand much about mental healt, or the current issue. But you have done well in not being self destructive today. You should be proud of yourselF especially considering recent history
Take care hun and I'll post either later or tomorrow

[Margo]

They called me yesterday evening. Asked me how I was and it all went a bit wrong. I mentioned I dropped some mens and we never got past that even though I tried to explain I'd been on a lower dose for over a year. Oh well.

So I see these people at the local psych ward on Sunday at 10:30. Great ****ing time.

The access team are who came and rescued me the last time and were amazing. I doubt they can help this time as im so much better than I used to be. Pre christmas and I was really fight functioning. Now ive managed to shower today for the second day on the trot. Go me!

One of the reasons I wanted help is because I'm scared of the feelings I have. I'm scared of the cutting im doing. I'm back to past superficial level (in medical terms) and it is getting worse.

I feel ive got to harm badly enough for the people I see sunday. I feel ive got to have cuts that mean I'm poorly. I know there's no correlation between depth and severity and mental pain but to me it does.

I'm scared they will laugh at me. I'm scared I'll have to go through the same **** ive been through all before. I ****ing hate being spoken to about self harm like I'm a teenager. I'm past 40 now. I'm sick of being told about distraction methods. When I want to cut I want to cut. Simples.

Im scared. I just need some extra help. I'm bright. I'm a model patient. I'm never any trouble. I'm never a burden. I just need some extra help. I'm so scared they won't give it to me cus im making it all up.

I sit on a board that talks about collaborative workings with the local MHT. I know there are no beds. I know the staffing levels are dreadful. I know therapists are virtually non existent. I know there are people in a million times worse position than me.

They are going to laugh at me.

[Sefka]

But you're not making it up. There's nothing you have to prove, especially not by harming to an extent that you think is 'bad enough' to show you're ill. But having said that, I understand the feeling. Like if only you could just show a doctor your cuts and yell 'THIS!!!' and they'd understand.

And unless you have some weird manifestation of depression where you constantly make puns (or you have a really **** access team) I can't imagine anyone's going to laugh at you. You expressed it pretty clearly in your post above - you're scared and you need help. I hope you can get that accross as clearly to the people you're seeing and get the help you need.

In the meantime, keep posting here. PM if you want and if I can help, I will.

Thinking of you
S

[Margo]

Thank you hedgehog face ;)

[Eir]

I get that Matthew. Totally. And sadly it's true sometimes, you won't always get the help you need until you hit crisis point. Unfortunately Mh often doesn't have enough primary health care measures. Invisible disease and all that.
Hopefully they will be more helpful in person.
Thinking of you
Annie

[Sefka]

Penguin butt

[Margo]

Heh, it never even occurred to me that there's a really high chance they won't even ask about my self harm let alone see it. I've only ever had to show one psych in the past.

Yet I'm still obsessed that I should have something "worth" showing.

Im still going to cut more though.

Holy ****ign brain. I know I know I know. It know it's all wrong and messed up.

I sound like a attention whore now.

****. Idiot. **** **** ****

[Eir]

*hugs* it's not attention seeking. Brains do crap things be safe and good luck today. Hopefully they are helpful

[Margo]

So I cut some more and well I guess it's never enough but it's enough.

I know it's stupid wht ive done.

I'm in bed and I have just over 12 hours to see them. I've been interviewed by them in the past. I've been interviewed by a dozen psychs and a few ologists and a few different 'teams'.

I know no one is going to make me do anything. I know no one is going to be dreadful. I know there aren't going to be a full restraint team pinning me down and forcing me with tranquillisers.

I know that what will probably happen is nothing..

But I'm terrified. I have to go alone.

I've permanently marked myself 'again' fo no reason what so ever.

Oh ****.

[Margo]

So it was actually the crisis team that i saw. They've changed their name and no one told me, mostly because of my known dislike of crisis teams.

The appointment went well I think. I cried when filling in yet another 'mood' and anxiety sheet. It was the same old set of questions. I tried to explain im scared of my actions and kept mentioning the self harm but she didn't get it. Because I told her I don't cut to bleed she assumed I don't bleed when I cut. Of course I bleed. I bleed ****ing loads at times but I don't do it to watch the blood, I hate blood - I do it to punish. So she made up her mind that I didn't bleed when I self harmed and therefore it must have been extremely mild.

But aside from that it was ok. I'm getting a referral to the psychiatrist for a medication review and to also talk about my self harm. I'm getting referred to the intervention team who are lovely and a possible referral back to the OT team that I did the peer support work with.

She also told me to go and see my friends (as im supposed to be going to dorset with them this week).

So I'm tired. I feel justified in m y had for now that I'm not making things up. I'm angry I cut so badly. Looking today it's worse than I thought. I feel the need to cut to punish what I've done just before I leave for tomorrow.

Yeah I know I have a ****ed up thought pattern.

Thank you for reading xxx

[Eir]

*hugs*
Hate it when they're like that, hearing but not listening. But it sounds like they have set you up with the help you need regardless. And that's great.
There is no need for you to punish yourself, but I know telling someone that never works. Hell, telling myself that never works. Just be safe hun. And be honest with the intervention team and psych, but I think your pretty good at that
Good luck hun
Annie