My sister

[tamobhuuta]

Really anxious,, I don't want a repeat of yesterday .

[one_step_closer]

Don't spend too much of today dwelling on yesterday, if you can. I think that would make things worse. Are there things that could make today better?

[tamobhuuta]

I haven't gone for that walk yet. It's manky outside.

[one_step_closer]

As in wet or cold or what? Wet = umbrella and listen to the sounds of the rain on it. Cold = wrap up nice and warm.

[tamobhuuta]

My sister says it's chilly and damp, and it looks like rain.

[one_step_closer]

Would your sister or someone else go out with you, if that would help to motivate you?

[tamobhuuta]

No problem there, my family don't like me going out alone and N is a bit of an exercise fan.

[one_step_closer]

Did you get out for your walk? How is your evening going?

[tamobhuuta]

Yeah we went for a walk, it didn't help really, but now I'm relaxed enough to go to bed. I don't know why.

[one_step_closer]

Maybe the walk did help just not at the time you were doing it. Are you feeling any better today?

[tamobhuuta]

Feeling better but still anxious and scared.

[one_step_closer]

I'm glad you're feeling better. Is this your usual level of fear and anxiety? I'm sorry you don't get much of a break from it but I think you do really well with managing it.

[tamobhuuta]

Yeah it's at my usual level today. Thanks for your support. I've worked all the way through my coping skills, including using what I learned in therapy. But I've got seeing friends to look forward to this evening so hopefully I can keep the anxiety at bay.

[tamobhuuta]

I was really nervous about seeing my CPN this afternoon but it was helpful. He's going to look into getting me some talking therapy to reinforce the CBT I've done.

[one_step_closer]

I'm glad your appointment was helpful and I hope the talking therapy is sorted soon and is useful. I know it can be really anxiety provoking when appointments come up but you've obviously communicated well what you needed to so good for you.

[tamobhuuta]

The past few days I've had thoughts of ODing. But i don't want to hurt anyone. I have a loving family and friends, but I'm scared they are in league with the Organisation. I think I would feel better if I put foil in my pillow again so they can't read my thoughts in the night. Not sure what I can do about the daytime.

I just spoke to my CPN and told him clearly that I am having thoughts of hurting myself again but he just said to persevere with eating properly even though it makes me anxious.

[one_step_closer]

What would you have liked your CPN to say? I'm sorry things are scary and difficult for you right now. Please do your best not to OD, you're right that your friends and family are loving and I don't think they would do anything to harm you or go against you. Do you think things are more pressured for you right now because of Christmas coming up? I can understand why that might heighten negative feelings for you.

[tamobhuuta]

I don't know, maybe I wanted him to sound interested! Tell me not to do anything. Christmas is harder because lovely as my grandmother is, it's hard work pretending to be ok.

[one_step_closer]

It's a shame you didn't feel like he was interested. We care, and don't want you to do anything to harm yourself. I'm sure your CPN also feels that way but maybe just didn't express it clearly. It is hard work pretending to be ok, do you have to keep pretending? Do you get much time to yourself?

[tamobhuuta]

I can take as much quietness as I need generally but now I need to keep my granma company because the rest of the family are busy. It's ok, we've got the radio on and Granma is doing puzzles. I'm going to do a wordsearch.