I can definitely say that I feel the same a lot, about most everything you've described. I often wonder if it's an addiction or a very hard habit to break. And I've gone for a while without cutting (6 months+) only to fall back, so I understand how frustrating that is. As I understand it, it's possible to become addicted to the endorphines released during self-harm that can make you feel great and give you a rush or "high". More likely you have become "addicted" (I think this is debated) to the psychological release of it, of how good it makes you feel in that instant. it's hard to not do something when you know it can make everything feel so much better, just like that. even if it does hurt you in the long run. I don't think it's ingrained in your brain in the sense that you can't break it, like it's become a part of your biological make-up, like your eye color. But, if it's something you've been doing for 12 years it's just like any long-time habit you've formed, except that this gives you more release than most things. Not invalidating how hard it is for you to stop, I definitely get that. I'm just saying that you can still beat it. As for part of your identitiy, that depends on how you see it. Do you see it as part of you, do you identify yourself as a cutter, etc. If you keep coming back it's because you still don't have healthy ways of dealing with your emotions and coping in other ways if you still hurt yourself. Motivation can help you so much, but without other methods in place they will do you little good. I know it's a cliche, but maybe you could consider seeing a counselor? He/she could help you figure out other methods of coping and help you lessen your urge to self-harm. Hope something here helps you (sorry for ranting ^^), if you need anything at all pm me. take care.
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