living at home

[zivalover16]

I am 23 and currently live at home. I do not have money to live on my own yet. Things have been ok until recently. When I first came back my mom promised to do my laundry as long as I put my clothes in the basket right side out..... Well my parents have managed to ruin my last 3 weekends... 3 weekends ago they started on my case about stuff literally the second I woke up. They were on my case so much I was sobbing. I went back to bed........
2 weekends ago we were in PA...I won some money and my Dad got made because I offered to buy dinner. Then on the way home we stopped at a rest area that had a Starbucks in it. I was going to get a drink until my dad told me I could only get a small...It pissed me off and they thought I was over reacting when I got upset over it.
Last weekend my mom dumped my clothes out of a basket and on to the floor.. She claims she told me she needed the bucket but she never did. It led to an argument and her saying she wouldn't do my laundry anymore.. This made me angry because once again, she went back on her word and it makes it hard for me to trust or believe her anymore. She is constantly doing this and I've had enough. I don't mean to sound selfish because I know how lucky I am to have her do the stuff she does but between work and doctors appt. I don't have time to do my laundry. Her excuse is that because the circumstances changed so did her word. She tried saying that I don't show appreciation for what she does for me which pissed me off because I have made sure to actually tell her thank you.
I wish I could live on my own but I owe them money and loans from school.

[Laura2.0]

I'm not sure from what you wrote, but am I right that you were living on your own and then moved back to your parents?

I was in the US as an Au Pair for 18 months in 2009 and 2010, I had to do a lot of chores. Laundry of the kids, preparing dinner, grocery shopping, driving the kids to places and so on and so forth. Just things I would have had to do if I had my own family, I was responsible for the kids and that things got done.
Then I moved back to Germany and back to my mom, stepdad and 4 younger siblings. At first it was really weird, because I was used to doing all the things and mom always did all things. So it was confusing when one of us did something that the other wasn't expecting and so on. After a few weeks we had a conversation where we agreed on who was responsible for what. I used to do the laundry until I started to train as a physical therapist. And I did the cooking on tuesdays. It has really helped with the relationship between my mom and me to talk about responsibilities.
Do you think you could talk with your parents abuot this?
Also talking with them about you as an adult person who can decide for yourself what you want to drink/eat and what to spend your money on. I had to tell my mom a few times that I can decide those things on my own, and now she even asks me if she can get something from the store for me when she is going there. I do the same though, if I go grocery shopping I also buy things the others need.

[~invisible~girl~]

I want to jump in and say I've been doing my own laundry since I was 12, and how lucky you are your mom is willing to do it, and stuff like that. But honestly, I'm the same way with my parents, just about different things. So I've done my own laundry since I was 12 (I stupidly volunteered, after feeling grown up doing it at summer camp for 3 weeks... regretted that for the next 6 years :p), but that was *all* I did growing up, or even as an adult living at home after college... I was never even expected to set the table, or wash the dishes, or anything. I lived at home for about a year and a half after college, age 23-25. Then I had to move back in with my mom for a few months at 26, when my roommate situation fell apart and I ended up moving out on very short notice. Same kind of things you're describing: my mom was constantly nagging me about things, and even when rationally, I knew I was lucky, and she expected very little of me (really, there's no reason as an adult, I should be expected to do only children's chores, things taking turns with my sister emptying the dishwasher or feeding the dogs, when I'm living at my mom's house rent-free), it would still just grate on my nerves any time she asked me to do anything, and we'd end up arguing all the time over even the littlest things. When I moved back home, it was less than a year after my dad died, so I knew I should have been cutting my mom some extra slack because of that... but I still couldn't stand her telling me what to do, or (worst of all) when. As if being asked to fix her computer wasn't enough, she'd want me to do it right then, not when it was convenient for me (even though often, I'd already been putting it off for a week at that point).

I think that young adults just aren't meant to live with our parents, and it's hard to do so... but the economy doesn't give us much of a choice a lot of the time. Even at 27, the only reason I'm able to live on my own is that my grandma gives me money, which makes up the difference in rent and other expenses. I think that for older adults it's less of a problem, but for young adults, it hasn't been long enough since our teens for our relationships with our parents, especially when we're living at home, to catch up to how much we've changed. For our parents, they still see us as kids... and to an extent, they always will (my grandparents still see my mom as a kid to some extent... and to some extent, she and her sisters act like kids around their parents, even though all three of them now have grown kids of their own... but they'll still compete for who gets the front seat in the car, or things like that that they'd never do with anyone else), but when it hasn't been as long since we *were* kids, they see us more that way than they will in another 20 years. And for us, it hasn't been that long since we were teenagers, and all of those tensions about wanting more freedom than our parents were willing to give are still pretty fresh, and being told want to do (no matter how reasonable -- things like being asked to take out the trash or empty the dishwasher because our parents don't have time or hurt their back or whatever it is) bring that right back up to the surface. And having to go back to less freedom after living on your own is also hard. And living with anyone who cares about you, not just a parent, takes away a certain amount of freedom in that you're accountable to someone, and they're going want to know where you are, worry if it seems like you're not taking good enough care of yourself, etc. But with parents and adult children, I think the biggest challenge is to start relating to each other more as equals than as parent and child. For you, it means thinking of your parents more as people than as caregivers. Things like remembering that they need their free time just as much as you do, and when they're doing things for you, they're giving up their time, rather than that by asking you to do things for yourself they're taking away your time. For them, it means thinking of you more as an adult than a child. Things like remembering that you can pay for things yourself now (e.g. a Starbucks drink), and not being insulted when you offer to help out (e.g. paying for dinner... they don't have to let you pay -- when we go out to dinner with my grandparents, they still never let my mom pay if they can help it, even though she's almost 60, and has way more money than they do -- but they shouldn't be insulted by it, either -- my mom tries to pay every time we go out with my grandparents, and it becomes more of a joke about who can grab the check first than anything else, which leaves everyone in a good mood).

With the Starbucks drink, I'm assuming your dad was paying for it? I've had similar arguments/issues with my mom. The biggest one being when she refuses to buy me anything with alcohol because she thinks I drink to much. I always feel a bit bratty for being even a little annoyed, let alone furious, that she's refusing to pay for something for me... but what irritates me is that it's not about money -- she'll buy my sister a drink, but not me -- it's about her thinking she knows what's best for me, and trying to tell me what to do. If your dad is only willing to buy you a small drink, rationally, I think that's perfectly reasonable... Starbucks drinks are expensive, and it's his money. But I'd probably react the same way -- it's him telling you what to do, more than actually caring about the extra 50¢ for a bigger drink.

I do think you need to have a conversation with your parents about responsibilities and boundaries when all of you are calm, and there's no specific issue you're upset about. Hopefully you and your parents can clarify what they expect of you, what they are and are not going to do for you, and where they're going to stay out of it and let you make your own decisions (for example, letting you order whatever you want at Starbucks seems reasonable... but so does saying they're only going to pay up to, say, $3, but if you want a more expensive drink, you're welcome to pay the difference yourself... that way they still have control over their part, i.e. how much they're spending, but you also have control over yours, i.e. what and how much you're drinking). You can also try to figure out a better way to communicate about these in the future, and make sure you all agree about how much change there might be to distribution of responsibility in the future, so there are no surprises like with the laundry. I think that if the situation has changed, and your mom needs you to start doing your own laundry, that's perfectly reasonable -- you're an adult, and you're busy, but so is she, and if she needs the time for herself, it's not really her job to take care of your every need anymore. But what you need to communicate to her is that you need more warning, so you can figure out your own schedule to make it work. Or if laundry is particularly problematic for you, maybe there's something else you can do to help her out so she does have time to do your laundry. And together you need to come up with a system to make sure that you do know what's going on, and can plan accordingly.

[zivalover16]

Thank you for your responses. I feel a bit better hearing I am not the only one going through this... I still don't know if the laundry thing is sorted out but someone did my clothes last night...As for the starbucks drink, no he was not paying for it, I was and he knew I had plenty of money (As I had just won it the day before) but he still told me I could only order a small which pissed me off.

[~invisible~girl~]

Unless you have a hard time managing money and want your parents' help, they should have stayed out of it, then.

[Morpheus]

Honestly, i think you sound a bit unreasonable and selfish.

The fact that they letyou live at home at that age is huge, not all parents would do that and i bet you can be sure, it wasnt their dream to have their 23 year old daughter living at home. By that time they would have expected you to move out and them to not have to act as parents in the same way the used to like doing your laundry etc.

The fact that you live in their house does allow them to set out rules you have to follow. They really dont have to give you reasons for those rules, their house, their terms and since you are an adult, you should follow those terme. Also, if you owe them money, that might be why they commented only to have a small coffee or whatever it was. They probably thought you had better things to spend your money on, such as paying them back or your loans.

For other adults, if you dont do your laundry, you have no clean clothes. Its as simple as that. Many people may not think they have time, but they make time. I dont see why you should be so much more busy than other people. You are lucky that your mother is doing this for you and in spite of you saying you do say thank you, your attitude in this thread, does imply that you take it for granted. This is a luxury other people do not have. And if your mum doesnt want to do it anymore, you will have to find the time to do it yourself. You cant expect her to. Maybe she feels like she doesnt have time to do your laundry as well and nor should she have to.

In the end, it is there house so you do have to follow their rules. Whether you find them unfair or not and maybe trying to put yourself in their place would be helpful too. They are letting you stay as you are their daughter and they want to help, but you can be pretty sure it is putting a strain on them as well, living with their adult child. Maybe show a bit more appreciation of what they are doing for you. Not every parent would.

Also to me, you really are overreacting if you let small things likethese ruin your weekends. And i think the fact that you refuse responsibility in these conflicts is rather unfair. Conflicts happen because people disagree, have misunderstandings, overreact and so on. Maybe your parents needed to be more specific about what they were unhappy with but you also need not to overreact to these things. To have your weekend ruined by one comment about only having a small drink is just too much and probably makes living with you pretty difficult if you react that way to other things as well.

In the end. There are other people than you that ypu need to be considerate of. They dont just have to be considerate of you. It goes both ways. Id say, be grateful for all they are doing for you and if you have issues, talk as an adult to them insteadof going sobbing in your room. That wont solve the issues you have.