being normal

[tamobhuuta]

i don't often come to this board, and i'm not sure if i'll make much sense, but bear with me and i'll try to.

when i was 13-14 i had a bit of an eating disorder, mainly restricting (with the help of appetite suppresants) though sometimes purging or doing a lot of exercise after meals as well. i lost quite a bit of weight, but i never went either side of the 'healthy' BMI score. then i stopped and started self-harming instead.

i still have some of the habits and thoughts i had back then. i'm not at school now, but when i was, i wouldn't eat lunch, maybe just a couple of sweets by myself so as not to feel dizzy. i still hate eating out in restaurants or the like. we don't have scales at home so i measure myself often. i'll buy clothes slightly too big so i can tell myself i'm fat. there are some foods i don't eat, saying i don't like them, when really i do, but i still class them as 'bad' foods. when i choose something to eat i think first about the calories, but i don't count them up at the end of the day, except very occasionally. and with thoughts, it's the same as four years ago but i act on the SH/suicide ones rather than the ED ones.

it's not a big deal. i definitely don't have an eating disorder anymore. but i wondered, is it normal to have recovered but to be holding on to the old habits? i think i'm just after some reassurance

[xfallenangelx]

i am in recovery from an eating disorder, and i still have a lot of thoughts, or seurity things that stop me freaking out. its really good that you are managing to eat properly, and i think it is quite normal to hold on to a few habits while recovering. have you got anyone that you can talk to about it, as well as your self harm?
x

[Caffe_al_Caramel]

To me it sounds like the real problem behind your ED is still there, I mean, you managed to go over something but without solving the reason why everything began at the first place? Maybe I'm totally wrong, because it could be also a stage in the process of recovery. I'm in recovery from ED and still lots of things freak me out and I still catch myselfe attempting old habbits but I try to avoid it.
Wish you all the best. Take care and you can PM me anytime.

*hugs*
Laura.

[tamobhuuta]

i'm getting help from camhs, for a couple months more, but i don't find it very easy to talk to anyone there because they only seem interested in problem behaviours (so for me, cutting and so on) and even for that all their help is to say "stop thinking like that". i'm not filled with optimism for the adult MH team either. all they want to here is that i'm ok, they aren't really bothered.
and i think what you've all said about not having got rid of the reason is probably true, though it seems pretty impossible that i can actually change. it's reassuring that this can just be part of recovery though, i don't feel so silly.