I have the tendency to feel depressed when I am alone. When I am with a friend, I may still feel a bit depressed but not as much, but the longer I am alone, the more I start to feel depressed and get extremely anxious. I always feel like I am unwanted, but the feeling intensifies when I am by myself for long periods. I like my alone time but at the same time hate the feeling I get when I am alone. I still do other things by myself that I enjoy, but at the same time I still feel depressed. I don't consider myself to be dependent on friends but for some reason I just feel very sad and even worry that I did something to bother them if I don't hear from them after several days, especially if they start talking less or seem less enthusiastic than they used too. If a friend starts acting different, I immediately apologize just in case I did something. My friends would always say I am fine but honestly most people are not going to admit that they are annoyed with you right away, especially if you took the initiative to apologize before they even said anything.
And sometimes doing so seems to help at times which really makes me think they were actually annoyed with me and the fact that I apologized made them feel better. Anyone else have this issue? Is this a form of dependency even though I don't demand them to hang out with me all the time? Just wondered. I know no one needs to hang out all the time. That could actually get old, never understood how some people can hang out literally every day without getting sick of each other. But at the same time, I just get concerned, depressed, and anxious after not hearing from a friend after some time. I feel like it isn't normal but I can't seem to help it or stop it. How do you deal with these kinds of feelings? I hate sounding clingy, I don't mean to come off that way. I don't demand a friend to hang out all the time, usually it is once, sometimes twice a week.
And even at times there will be a week when we don't hang out. But after a period of a few days, the feeling starts coming back. I never told any of them about it since it would turn them off but I secretly do feel this way. Is the fear of abandonment and feeling dependent almost the same thing? Just curious. I definitely try to give them lots of space though. I feel depressed even when I am with a friend but no where near as bad. I almost forget about it at times. One friend can be very moody when it comes to talking and is perfectly okay with ignoring messages for days to weeks or even over a month at a time. That is another reason i get panicky. Makes me wonder if she has depression or something. She will go in phases of wanting to hang out a lot to not giving a crap. Like, for a period of time, she will want to hang out up to 3 or even 4 times in a week, which is fine. She will be so eager.
But then there will be a phase where she just doesn't seem interested and either not hang out at all or if we do, she is very reserved and will even make sure we only hang out one time in a week. It gets to the point where I wish she would make up her mind of what she wants to do. Either is fine, I just hate the constant back and forth. From one extreme to another. Makes me think there is something wrong with me that is causing that. Only other possibility is something else going on with her mentally since I really don't think that kind of behavior is exactly normal to be going from one extreme to the next and back again like that. And she is never that busy. I work way more than she does. I don't expect her, or anyone to hang out with me all the time, but I just feel like that kind of behavior switching between two extremes is a bit off. I know she has ADHD but I still feel like there could be something else, whether it is about me or her. If we do hang out during her phase where she is more reserved, conversations seem more superficial, she acts like she could care less about anything. If she forgets her phone or loses it, she will not even attempt to find it or retrieve it and say oh well, no big deal and that she doesn't care. And if I tell her she may need it in the event of an emergency when driving or if someone needs to get in contact with her and her response is well that is just too bad then. Just hope that doesn't happen and if someone is trying to contact me then oh well, they will have to wait. Just her level of not giving a crap is alarming to me in all honesty. Same goes with other stuff. She is like that a lot, but during her reserved phases, she literally doesn't give a crap about anything which doesn't seem normal to me in my opinion.
Hey. It is common for depressed people to feel worse after prolonged periods of time spent alone. Is it an option to spend less time alone? What makes you feel like you are unwanted?
I wonder if you enjoy some alone time, but get uncomfortable when you're alone for a long time. Is it the case? I can relate to getting worried and sad when you don't hear from your friends for a while. I get anxious about it too, but most of the time it turns out not to be a problem with me or our friendship - it's just that other people might be going through their own stuff that can make them appear less enthusiastic and not want to talk or hang out. So I understand you being anxious, but I just want to reassure you that, judging by my experience, most of the time there really isn't anything wrong, people just go through their own stuff.
There are different kinds of people, introverts and extraverts. Some people really do feel best when they can hang out with their friends all the time, and others would be really uncomfortable if they had to. There's nothing wrong with one or the other. Some people just feel comfortable being together all the time and if it's okay with both sides - that's cool. I understand where you're coming from - so how about initializing contact and getting in touch with your friends from time to time when you begin to feel depressed about the lack of communication? And if you feel like your social needs might be a bit too much and you need to keep in touch all the time, have you ever talked about it with a professional? Are you getting any professional help? Do you think you could talk to anyone at all about the way you feel, professional or not? From what you've said, you don't seem like a clingy person, so maybe you could ask your friends what they think about it?
I don't think that there is a fixed timeline of how often you hang out with someone for it to be okay. It depends on many factors. I think the best way to go about it is to get in touch with your friends whenever you feel like it, but to be prepared that they might be busy or just not in the mood to hang out. It doesn't mean it's your fault or they don't care about you, it's okay, it just happens. I think many of us missed our friends or felt anxious when out of touch with them. Why do you think telling your friends you feel this way would bother them?
Hey. It is common for depressed people to feel worse after prolonged periods of time spent alone. Is it an option to spend less time alone? What makes you feel like you are unwanted?
I wonder if you enjoy some alone time, but get uncomfortable when you're alone for a long time. Is it the case? I can relate to getting worried and sad when you don't hear from your friends for a while. I get anxious about it too, but most of the time it turns out not to be a problem with me or our friendship - it's just that other people might be going through their own stuff that can make them appear less enthusiastic and not want to talk or hang out. So I understand you being anxious, but I just want to reassure you that, judging by my experience, most of the time there really isn't anything wrong, people just go through their own stuff.
There are different kinds of people, introverts and extraverts. Some people really do feel best when they can hang out with their friends all the time, and others would be really uncomfortable if they had to. There's nothing wrong with one or the other. Some people just feel comfortable being together all the time and if it's okay with both sides - that's cool. I understand where you're coming from - so how about initializing contact and getting in touch with your friends from time to time when you begin to feel depressed about the lack of communication? And if you feel like your social needs might be a bit too much and you need to keep in touch all the time, have you ever talked about it with a professional? Are you getting any professional help? Do you think you could talk to anyone at all about the way you feel, professional or not? From what you've said, you don't seem like a clingy person, so maybe you could ask your friends what they think about it?
I don't think that there is a fixed timeline of how often you hang out with someone for it to be okay. It depends on many factors. I think the best way to go about it is to get in touch with your friends whenever you feel like it, but to be prepared that they might be busy or just not in the mood to hang out. It doesn't mean it's your fault or they don't care about you, it's okay, it just happens. I think many of us missed our friends or felt anxious when out of touch with them. Why do you think telling your friends you feel this way would bother them?
I feel unwanted because that is how I was made to feel my whole life. People in general just feel closer to others than to me. At times they may be okay with talking to me or even hanging out with me but they still prefer to be with their closer friends, I'm never on the top of their list. Always at the bottom. You are right, I do enjoy being alone but at the same time I get anxious if I don't hear from a friend after awhile. Due to being abandoned in the past, I always expect a friend to just drop me instantaneously.
Even with the friend I hang out with, every time she drops me off at home after hanging out, I secretly think, this could very well be the last time we ever hang out. She may wake up tomorrow and decide to never hang out with me or even talk to me again. It has happened before and this friend used to treat me poorly. Even though it has been five years and she has apologized and admitted her wrong doings, I still worry she could revert back to her old ways if she finds more people to hang out with.
She has ADHD which can cause anxiety and depression so that is why sometimes I suspect depression in her even though she denies it. Either she denies it due to a fear of being judged or it is so mild that she may not even realize she has it, especially since her view on depression are those who lay in their beds all day thinking of suicide. This can be the case for severely depressed people, but not always. People with depression, especially mild depression, can go about their lives looking perfectly happy and normal.
So it is possible she may not even realize it, although she does admit to being lonely a lot which she mentions she does it on purpose. That is one reason I get anxious a lot. I worry something is wrong and I always want to help, I love helping others which can cause me to be hurt by others. Another reason I get worried is because she will go back and forth between being super eager to hang out 1-3, sometimes even 4 times a week. Other times she will not talk at all and we won't hang out or if we do, she is super reserved and conversations seem more forced or emotionless. She also just doesn't seem to care. If she loses her phone, she will make little or no attempt to find it. A few times, I even said what if she gets stranded or someone needs to get ahold of her. Her response was, "well, oh well, hope that doesn't happen and if I get stranded or someone tries to contact me then that is just too bad." To me, that comes off as almost rude and just not giving a crap.
The level of her not giving a crap alarms me sometimes. As if she really just doesn't give a crap about anything whatsoever. Recently her phone got soda in it and stopped working permanently. I kept on asking if she would get it fixed and she said no and that there is no need to. If something happens or she gets stranded then oh well. That is just too bad. That is what she told me and that mindset alarms me to be honest. I also worry about annoying her and even others since I know people tend to be afraid to admit when they are annoyed about something due to not wanting to cause problems which I can understand to an extent. I will always just apologize just in case I annoyed her that way if I did, she will feel better and be more willing to talk. I will admit, I am like this on certain occasions if I get annoyed a bit. If someone annoys me and I haven't told them yet but they just come out and apologize, taking the initiative to do so, I will actually save them the embarrassment and trouble and not call them out on their behavior.
Due to not wanting to make them feel worse than they already probably do, I will just say it's okay, no big deal and you are fine. That is my way of letting the person know it is okay and not to worry about it and me being secretly glad they apologized. I rather do that than tell them they really are super annoying and better to be sorry. Not only would they feel worse but they will probably get mad. That is what I feel like my friend does sometimes. When I apologize, she will deny it but at the same time, her mood actually seems to improve such as increased texting or more eagerness to hang out or something.
You are right, there is no timeline of how much you must hang out with someone. If we go a week without hanging out, that is fine. I don't mean to sound clingy or anything and I really am not clingy. I don't expect anyone to hang out with me every single day. I understand people have their own stuff to go through. Although she doesn't work a lot. We are both part time but I still work more than she does. We don't work at the same place though so I know she is not as busy as she may say she is, especially since it has been proven by her parents who told me so a few times when she wasn't in the same room as us. I didn't ask them about it, they just came out and told me one day which I was surprised. She does it to other people as well from time to time. But at the same time, when someone goes back and forth between being super eager, it makes me think either their is something wrong with me like they are annoyed or weirded out by something, or something else is wrong. She did admit that at times she just doesn't feel like talking to anyone. That is fine, but it still worries me because you never know if during a time where she is silent, whether or not she is annoyed or just doesn't feel like talking.
That's why I am always careful and apologize if she goes a certain time without replying. I start getting anxious if I go more than a couple days without hearing from her, or anyone as well. I do not see a therapist but sometimes I think I should since it is really hard for me to control my worry and constant sadness. I am sad even when I do hang out, but it is a lot less severe. When I am alone, especially after a prolonged period of time, I start getting very worried and very sad. The longer I go alone, the worse it gets. And I can't seem to help it no matter how much I try to distract myself even by doing things I like. I sometimes will even lose focus on doing things I like due to my sadness and worry. She is definitely introverted, which is okay. I am too, I just worry a lot that's all.
What makes you so sure you were never on top of anyone's list? I mean it's not like there is an actual list you can look through. I understand the feeling, but I've been surprised to find out that there were people who see me as sort of their favourite person. Maybe there are people that see you as such as well!
As for your friend, since you're still friends and you still hang out after all these years, then I think she really does like you and cares about you and she isn't going to just randomly disappear forever. She never did so far, so I think we can assume she isn't going to do that in the future.
Your friend seems to have a pretty easygoing and carefree attitude, so I don't think she is likely to get overly annoyed with you, so I hope you can see it as well. I understand worrying about annoying other people, that happens to me too, but most of the time it is just your anxiety playing up and other people don't even notice things that you expect to bother or annoy them. Trust me, most people are way too engulfed in their own thoughts, worries and lives to notice all the little things about us that we might worry will bother them.
But if you really feel like your friend might be secretly annoyed with you and it really bothers you, then maybe you should just talk to her about it?
I'm not trying to imply that you're clingy, not at all, but I hope you do understand that going between craving and avoiding company depending on the mood might just be your friend's personal trait and you might have to either accept it, or just not be friends anymore. I don't think that is because of you. I think your friend might just be an introvert, so when she is doing well and feeling energetic, she takes a chance to hang out with her friends, but when she is down she just needs alone time to recharge. Hope I make sense.
I think that you might have a bit of a social anxiety, which is what makes you feel so worried. Maybe seeing a professional could be really beneficial for you, so they'll help you deal with it. Would you consider it?
What makes you so sure you were never on top of anyone's list? I mean it's not like there is an actual list you can look through. I understand the feeling, but I've been surprised to find out that there were people who see me as sort of their favourite person. Maybe there are people that see you as such as well!
As for your friend, since you're still friends and you still hang out after all these years, then I think she really does like you and cares about you and she isn't going to just randomly disappear forever. She never did so far, so I think we can assume she isn't going to do that in the future.
Your friend seems to have a pretty easygoing and carefree attitude, so I don't think she is likely to get overly annoyed with you, so I hope you can see it as well. I understand worrying about annoying other people, that happens to me too, but most of the time it is just your anxiety playing up and other people don't even notice things that you expect to bother or annoy them. Trust me, most people are way too engulfed in their own thoughts, worries and lives to notice all the little things about us that we might worry will bother them.
But if you really feel like your friend might be secretly annoyed with you and it really bothers you, then maybe you should just talk to her about it?
I'm not trying to imply that you're clingy, not at all, but I hope you do understand that going between craving and avoiding company depending on the mood might just be your friend's personal trait and you might have to either accept it, or just not be friends anymore. I don't think that is because of you. I think your friend might just be an introvert, so when she is doing well and feeling energetic, she takes a chance to hang out with her friends, but when she is down she just needs alone time to recharge. Hope I make sense.
I think that you might have a bit of a social anxiety, which is what makes you feel so worried. Maybe seeing a professional could be really beneficial for you, so they'll help you deal with it. Would you consider it?
Oh yeah what you said makes sense. I can accept that it may just be a personality trait. I'm not going to stop being friends with her just because of that. That would be stupid. It is just the back and forth that makes me nervous since you never know if she is just simply not in the mood to hang out or if something is wrong. I should just trust her but I like to make sure just in case. Yeah she is very carefree, sometimes a little too carefree in my opinion since anyone with that kind of attitude could easily be used. I used to be that way, very carefree and naive and I got used a lot. That had to change. But yeah, she is very easy going. Yeah she is an introvert, nothing wrong with that. I am too.
I definitely am not one of those people who get energy from being around others. I probably do have social anxiety and I should see a professional and yes I would consider it. Yeah like I mentioned, I don't expect her to hang out with me every day of every week. In fact, I think people who do that with their friends run a higher risk of getting sick of each other and getting on each other's nerves. I've known people to do stuff like that and there were times where I could see that the effects of hanging out so much was taking its toll on each other. I would never want that to happen either. But yeah, what you said makes sense and yeah I should definitely talk to someone.
