Losing weight healthily?

[Cacoethes]

So idk if I would even consider myself 'in recovery' or whatever. I don't feel like I've been at this long enough to be able to say that. Plus I am still rather problematic
But is it possible to lose weight in a healthy way after/still having an anorexia diagnosis?
I've heard that it's not really a thing.

[Auror.]

nope.

there's no healthy way to lose weight period.

[Auror.]

also the fact that you're still trying to figure out how to lose weight shows that you aren't anywhere near okay.

[Cacoethes]

Fair point.
I'm just really not happy with my weight (probably never will be tbh) and also, I can't go back to horseriding unless I'm at x weight. Which has been a dream of mine for many years. The only other barrier was driving.

I guess in my mind I'm just like, food is a thing now so I'm ok to exercise etc right?
Even though I have heard that people in ED recovery can't just exercise

[Auror.]

unless things have dramatically changed for you (we don't interact with you outside of your support thread so no clue) then you definitely would not be in recovery. and your relationship with exercise was extremely disordered.

sounds like a bad idea to assume you can just exercise. so yea it's definitely different for some people than others but in general given how over the top and excessive you are, probably unlikely you can do so in a safe and more reasonable way until some point further down the line, if at all.

re being unhappy with your weight, you might as well be heavier and not dying if you're gonna be unhappy with your weight no matter what. that's what we have had to come to terms with - and it's a lot of challenging fatphobia and other societal norms and is often a constant thing. not easy to do but worth it if you can.

re riding - know we can't talk specific numbers but as an equestrian, we know plenty of fat riders (and considered one too at this point). so it's definitely possible to be able to ride at a higher weight. places that have really low limits are likely not gonna be healthy environments to be in ed wise anyways. you probably already know that eds can run pretty rampant in the horse world, so definitely a thing to be mindful of. it might be worth doing some research to find other options for riding. we bet they do exist, and if you are able to drive you can also travel a bit more for them.

that said, riding is physically demanding. and so is being with horses in general. they are big animals and you ABSOLUTELY NEED TO BE IN A GOOD PLACE PHYSICALLY to be able to do anything with horses safely. this is something we personally have to be extremely mindful of constantly. you can't be at risk of passing out when you're working with big prey animals, and even more so when you're on top of them.

eta: if you are actually doing better then that is absolutely commendable - but still question your judgement on this stuff.

also the one good thing about riding is that it's not something you can just do mindlessly for hours on end. it requires your brain to be active and engaged, and in that vein you have to be mindful of your horse's limitations as well as the weather and other factors. if it's a hot day you can't just keep going and going and work the horse hard. you have to take it easy. so in that sense it's very structured and rigid, and hard to realistically overdo. especially if you'd be riding with instructors and on school ponies at first versus riding on your own. so in that sense it might be a good thing.

[Cacoethes]

Thank you Camden
I very much appreciate your replies.

I don't think things have changed quite that dramatically.
Food is a thing but the disordered thoughts/rules etc. Are still in effect. Sometimes I don't see it, sometimes I do.

I think it's a thing here that riding schools have a weight limit. I think I could probably get away with it tbh, unless they decide to weigh me which idk if they can do. Because the general consensus is that I don't look my weight at all and most people, especially health professionals, don't believe what my bmi is and are convinced I'm doing it wrong. I think I have a lot of muscle.

Good point about the actual riding and needing to be in good physical condition.
I know at my worse, I would have NOT been able to effectively control a horse. And I dread to think what would happen if they bolted or whatever. Riding school horses tend to be pretty bombproof. But you can't really say that about any animal.

[Elmer]

I think that Camden has said it all really, but I just wanted to add that I'm so glad you're doing a bit better, it sounds like you've worked hard. I think that it's important to try to remember the amount of damage the ED is likely to have done/still be doing to your body and it's going to take a lot of nutrition and rest to begin to heal some of that, so pushing yourself to lose even more weight will be not only unsustainable but also incredibly dangerous.

It sucks that horse riding isn't possible, that must be difficult but as mentioned it sounds like it wouldn't be the best thing to combine with an ED anyway.

Do you think you might be in a place where you're more able to engage with specialist ED support now?

[Cacoethes]

Thanks Lio

My blood tests still aren't completely normal so you're right about the damage I think.

I'm not sure.
I feel embarrassed about the weight I've put on since I last went so being weighed would be incredibly distressing.
Cmht psych said I don't have to be referred to the ED team now because I'm doing better. It's hard to talk to her about the ED because although she listens, she doesn't really understand. I do have to repeat myself quite a lot and she still doesn't really get it.

I don't know if I could cope with seeing the ED team again

[Elmer]

That makes sense, I can imagine it would be very difficult. I know it's not ideal because she doesn't really understand, but I am glad your psych is making sure you're being monitored regularly.

You have a lot to live for and a lot to be proud of in your life, and I hope that things with food improve enough for you to be able to properly reap the rewards of your hard work. I saw you might have found a riding school - please be careful for all the reasons Camden gave, but hopefully riding will be another reason to keep fighting the anorexia.

[Cacoethes]

Yeah I am at least having regular blood tests etc.
I'm hoping I'll get to see my CC if I was struggling again, idk why I haven't heard from her but my psych is keeping an eye on things anyway.

Thank you. I do have a lot of good things going on atm and am pretty satisfied with my life in general. Apart from my weight and the issues that brings.

[Auror.]

again re riding since it's obviously an important thing to us -

while some schools here have weight limits, others do not. the one where we go now doesn't, and has smaller ponies than some others too. but also have never heard of one actually weighing folks. obviously there are differences country to country, but there's no one hard set weight to say someone is too heavy to ride. because it depends on the pony as well. the amount of weight a pony can safely carry is not the exact same for each pony. if you can find a school with healthy and sturdier, stouter ponies then it'd definitely be possible at a higher weight (thinking cobs, etc.). it's really subjective and a controversial thing in the horse world anyways. not to say personally not mindful of it, but am by far neither the heaviest nor oldest rider where we go. for what that's worth. really think it'd be worth it to keep looking around for a school that either doesn't have the restriction or doesn't strictly follow it in any way.

also to say about riding - your physical body is uh. under scrutiny in a sense. so you would also want to be REALLY careful about the instructor you work with. while mine are generally fairly body positive in that they never comment on anyone's size or capabilities in a negative way, there are times where things like balance and flexibility do get called into question. to say hey this is impacting your ability to ride. and if you're not in a solid place body image wise, that's very likely to be triggering for you. it can even get triggering for us sometimes.

while we weren't up front about ed/mentals etc., for us it is pretty obvious. and if the instructor can't be mindful and respectful of that, and if you're not in a place to be able to call it out or walk away and find someone else, that could also be really damaging.

we love ponies and we know how important they are for us and our mental health. and how much riding is good for us too. so not saying any of this as a deterrent, just in a things to be wary and carefoul about way.

would also v much suggest doing some unmounted lessons for a while, to see how it goes physically, and to get a decent gauge on the vibes of the school and instructor. it would also get you back with the ponies in a less pressured way than riding.

[Cacoethes]

Thank you Camden

I've emailed all the riding schools I could feasibly get to and this one is the best in weight restriction wise. I'm a fair bit below the max so hopefully shouldn't be a problem
Idk how strict places are with it though. I haven't ridden at an actual school since I was a child, as I had my own horse as a teenager.
I guess I won't be able to gauge it until I go and see what it's like.

What's an unmounted lesson?

[Auror.]

unmounted just means where you go for a lesson but you don't ride. so you do groundwork or other things instead.

where we go doesn't have an indoor for bad weather, so if the weather is too nasty to ride we do unmounted lessons instead. we've been working on learning how to lunge, for example. where others learn how to bandage legs, or discuss nutrition or other things. just really depends on your current abilities and what types of things you want to learn. for complete newbies their first lesson is often unmounted, so they'll learn how to lead the horse, groom them, and so on.

[Cacoethes]

Ah ok. I see what you mean.
I'll ask them about it