Please give me a reason

[Argonite]

I'm sorry for posting on here. I shouldn't really as I don't deserve to be on here so I don't mind if you decide not to read this, especially as I haven't been supporting others at all for a long time.

This is probably not the right site for me because everyone here is so genuinely in need of support and so supportive while I just twist things around and do the most stupid things.

I don't know what to do. I have a lot of paracetamol with me and I know that I wouldn't take it tonight, I'm at least giving myself time to think. But I keep thinking about why I should take it and how much it would make things better for everybody else- I know I have no future, I just don't have the kindness or determination to be a good person.

Since last year I'd been waiting for "help" even though I don't really need it and know I don't deserve it. I've gone to talking therapy type sessions with CAMHS (I'm actually underage) and even family therapy once, but the entire thing has been completely useless. I can't talk, I don't know what to say, the entire thing hasn't helped. So I've decided to stop with the whole thing- on the other hand it makes it seem as if all the options are gone- "medication" was mentioned but I know that's not right for me- as I said I don't belong here- I'm not depressed as some might get the idea, I know I'm not, I'm just a horrible person who can't do anything right.

As I said I can't do anything right. I've grown apart from my friends, my family, "help" hasn't helped, the whole world is generally a miserable place, and I know that I'll never do anything good for the world- if anything, something horrible.

I don't know what I want. Advice? I don't know. I'm sorry for posting it.

A big part of me just wants to die but obviously there is a part of me which wants to live, but it would be so easy to shut it out completely.

I guess what I want is a reason not to.

[silent_scars11]

I am so glad there is a part of you that does want to live - you need to hang onto that part! It's very important and it's going to help get you through all this.

That being said, you don't have to be diagnosed with depression or a similar mental health condition to be upset and to need help. It sounds to me like you geniunely need support to. We all need it in different ways and in different amounts, but there's no reason why your situation shouldn't matter as much as everyone else's. We all do "stupid things," but that doesn't make us unworthy of help.

I really don't think you should feel you're a terrible person for growing apart from your family and friends either. Actually, that's a classic symptom of depression, whether you have it or not. It's not like you are purposely planning to grow apart from them to hurt them, it just happens and it's often related to mood and those strong feelings to isolate oneself that often accompany depression.

I really don't want you to die because I understand you're pain and I know that it does get better. Yes, I know life isn't perfect, but there are still so many good aspects of it and you will never get to see them if you aren't here. Who knows what wonderful places you may see/what wonderful people you may meet in the future? Only you can find that out if you stay here with us. And I know it may seem hard for you to believe right now, but I promise you that your family and friends would be devastated if something happened to you. If it's hard for them that you've sort of grown apart, it will only be 100x worse if you're no longer here.

Please reconsider what you've been thinking. I see a lot of potential ahead for you, because it sounds like you do have some hope. Please hang onto that hope, you are worth it and you deserve to see the ways in which your life can improve.

Take care