Magical thinking and procrastination

[monkeydog]

Ever since I was a child, though more since my teenage years, I have struggled with procrastination in my studies and work. The need to avoid work has been inexplicable to me and I've spent years hating myself for it, until recently I realized I am avoiding experiencing feelings of anxiety - specifically fear of failure, criticism and resulting abandonment.

Most recently I've become aware that I engage in something I think is called magical thinking.

In the mornings I think "If I get up now, put on the coffee maker, open up my computer and immediately begin working, I will have a successful day.” But then inevitably it doesn’t go like that. I need to walk the dogs or some errand needs to be run, or something happens so I don’t complete what I call my “preparation sequence” in the order and the way it needs to be completed. And just like that, the day was ruined. The entire day. No work can be achieved that day.

It infuriates me and others around me but I just can't bring myself to work if I mess up a preparation sequence. The whole idea of working at that point just terrifies me, I simply can't even bring myself to think about it really.

I also can't discuss the fact that I plan to work - I have to tell my spouse that I am planning on "doing things" at such and such a time, so they know I am not available for other things then. If I say "I am going to work" or anything like that, I then can't work.

Since learning this is magical thinking, I've been trying to find information about it to see if there's anything that can be done about it. And I keep seeing this type of thinking is often connected to OCD, but it almost feels like I have it the wrong way round? Basically I have to complete this sequence to be able to do something, where as online I've found a lot of things about people needing to complete a sequence or ritual to stop something from happening.

Basically my question is, does this sound familiar to anyone here?

I feel like an idiot because of this... I feel like I'm just lazy and am using this as an excuse. It's just so terrifying to consider beginning to work when I've messed up the sequence that I am just so relieved when I finally give up for the day and decide to do household chores or something else useful instead, to make up for it.

[Aardbei]

It does still sound like you are doing the sequence to stop something happening - you're trying to stop yourself failing or the work not going the way you want it to.

We can't diagnose on here I'm afraid but magical thinking/intrusive thoughts can form part of OCD. They can be part of being a human being too! I guess the question is whether it's having an impact on your life, which it sounds like it is.

Have you considered speaking to your doctor about this?

[monkeydog]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aardbei

It does still sound like you are doing the sequence to stop something happening - you're trying to stop yourself failing or the work not going the way you want it to.

We can't diagnose on here I'm afraid but magical thinking/intrusive thoughts can form part of OCD. They can be part of being a human being too! I guess the question is whether it's having an impact on your life, which it sounds like it is.

Have you considered speaking to your doctor about this?

I hope it didn't sound like I was asking to be diagnosed - that's not what I wanted to imply. I only wanted to try and see if anyone who happened to read this might have similar experiences and how they've coped with it, or if anyone else had anything to say about it.

It does make sense, I mean trying to stop myself from failing. I guess. I mean it doesn't make any sense whatsoever, let's be honest... Because this behavior has led me to fail/quit several important projects in my life. I keep doing this until I've ****ed up beyond the point of no return, and then I feel like the worst piece of scum on this Earth - but I also feel relieved that I don't have to worry about it anymore. It's getting to where I am afraid to even begin trying to get anything important done because I'm worried I will just end up doing this.

I guess at some point the fear of failure just extends to not only the finished product (whatever the task may be) but to the process of getting there as well. And I start to shield myself from having to face that fear at all. I'm maybe even more afraid of the fear itself than what it is I am originally afraid of... I am seriously worried I will just break down if I have to feel it.

And I hadn't considered mentioning it to a doctor until you mentioned it. I think I have to when I see my psychiatrist the next time.