Struggling. Again.

[Cacoethes]

Thank you
Things were better when I was on clozapine
Though I can't work out why because I'm positive this isn't mental illness.
Maybe there's an ingredient in it that the voices don't like
Like how demons don't like salt
The doctor here said she was willing to put me back on it but I'm still not taking tablets so I can't

[one_step_closer]

Maybe the new depot will be useful. Depixol? I've been on that and I think it was quite useful but I always get too bad physical side effects with depots. What stops you from taking tablets, especially if they help?

[Cacoethes]

It is depixol
I had the test dose the other day and no side effects I don't think which is good

It's because I don't want to drink and I have to drink to take meds

[one_step_closer]

Are you still managing to drink sometimes though? It's really not good for you to stop drinking completely. I hope everything goes ok with the depot.

[Cacoethes]

I'm trying not too but I had a coffee today because staff were bothering me about it
Even the other patients have started to nag me about food and drink
Thank you

[one_step_closer]

What is the purpose of not drinking? How are you getting on so far today?

[Cacoethes]

To die
It's so hard though
I'm so thirsty
Only had 2 hours sleep so not feeling too great
Also getting strong urges to ligature

[tamobhuuta]

Do you have anything you can use as a ligature? If so, could you be really brave and give it to staff?

[Cacoethes]

I will ALWAYS have something I can use as a ligature unless they stripped me naked which obviously they can't do here (it has happened before in seclusion and picu years ago)

[nonperson]

Maybe you could tell staff what you're thinking and they might check on you more often.

[tamobhuuta]

Then I agree with np, try telling staff. Be as honest as possible.

[one_step_closer]

Please talk to someone Beckie, you don't want to get all your stuff taken off you. We don't want you to get hurt. I know that urges can be really strong but you can get through this.

[Cacoethes]

I did tell them
I've talked quite a lot today
So far managed to not do anything
I was half asleep for a while
Really struggling today and don't want to keep bothering the staff about the same stuff all the time

[one_step_closer]

Staff had said to me before that they'd rather I talk to them about the same things over and over than get the point of harming myself. Well done for sharing how things are for you and please keep doing it. You have shown so much strength today.

[Cacoethes]

Thank you lindsay

Yes I've heard similar from staff
I guess that's what they are here for
It's a bit difficult because of moving wards it's all brand new staff so I don't know anyone but staff today have all been very nice
Just hope night staff are good too because I find night times hard anyway and today has been very difficult

[one_step_closer]

Could you approach someone and say just that, that you find night times hard and today has been difficult too?

[Cacoethes]

Depends who is here
Some people can be hard to talk to

[one_step_closer]

Yeah I understand that but I think it's important that you find someone to mention it to. If no one really seems approachable then I'd just go with the one who seems the least unapproachable. I hope you can find someone to mention things to. Could you even speak to someone on now (if the shift hasn't changed) and ask for them to pass things on for you?

[Cacoethes]

Shift has changed now.
They are all very busy so I'm going to wait until things settle down

[tamobhuuta]

Were you able to talk to a member of staff?