Can I just say, I think your son is very lucky to have so a supportive and caring mother.
thats what i was thinking.
when my parents found out they did the complete opposite of what i would have liked. the confronted me in a 2:1 situation, them on oneside me on the other. they told me i had to stop, made presumtions about why i did it and didnt offer me any real support just made me feel massively guilty. at one point they even said if i killed myself they'd follow the next day which is totally wrong for someone who is struggling!
Anyhoo sounds like your much better than either of my parents were at handling it all.
I would say a note is probably a good idea. It gives him time to think things through. Also depending on your relationship with your son a hug goes a long way as well as just telling him how much you love him. If he looks uncomfortable with discussing it then leave it as it will only make him close up more. I think just words like "i'm here if you need to talk about anything" are much better than "whats wrong, please talk to me" because its less invasive and forceful. Leaving the ball in his court so to speak.
On a slightly unrelated note how are you feeling about this? It must have been a bit of a shock for you. You know there are councillors trained in working with parents of young people with mental health issues etc it might be worth seeing the doctor to see what sort of help they have in your area. plus your doctor would be able to offer you some idea of help your son could get if he wanted it. Might be worth thinking about.
Thank you all for your support.
I apologise for posting and then not coming back to take part.
I was a bit freaked and took myself off for a long drive and a long walk.
I hadn't fully understood what this site was about, and felt a terrific responsibility that I might inadvertently make things difficult for some people, once I started reading the first few posts.
I have to say, it has really helped me to read all the advice you've given, and it's interesting to have so many (sometimes) conflicting views.
Everyone is different, aren't they.
I had made up my mind to write a note to my son but, if I'd done it straight away, it would have been a long rambling thing, full of my thoughts and questions.
Clearly, that wouldn't be a good thing.
From what I've learned here, I will write something short, just to let him know that I'm aware, and to say that I'll be here if he wants to talk.
I really can't thank you wonderful people for caring enough to offer advice.
It has made all the difference to how I feel, and I'm sure my son will benefit by my response as a result, should he want to talk to me.
I'm so glad to hear you've found maybe a few answers here. As someone mentioned before, you may never know why he started. Self-harm, eating disorders, addiction - these are things that you can never fully understand until you've been through them. I'm glad to hear you're making the effort though!
If he does begin to confide in you - take him seriously. The biggest problem I had was people minimalising my struggles. For example, the most common response I got was "just get over it". I feel I speak for many in saying that if it were that easy, we would have done it ages ago. Your son is going to need your love and support. He'll seek help and recovery when he's ready, and part of what helps get to that point is the support he'll get from others. Don't underestimate how welcomed a suggestion to go out to lunch can be when you're feeling down but don't want to talk about it. A little bit of distraction can go a long way.
I could ramble on for hours, but that's the gist of everything I'd say. Your son is so lucky to have a mother like you. Remember to be strong and that if you're feeling worn down there is NOTHING selfish about taking some time out to talk to someone yourself. After all, you can't help anyone if you're struggling to stay afloat yourself.
Yeah I agree with other people , writing him a note, askign him if you want to talk i will listen etc. I never wanted my parents to because of there reaction. Over a course of 3 days i had 2 30- 45 mins talks with them , as someone else has said i was littrally made to sit down on the sofa and talk about what was going on. I hated it also i just wanted everything to get back to normal. Which i think i know it must be very hard but as i am sure people have told you loads of questions is not really the answer. My parents i got " Are you okay?" every day for both my mum and dad for about 4 days that just made me worse. Plus as someone else has said its best not to say that your worried as it will only make him feel guilty. When mine told me 2 days after they had found out "Were worried sick about you" I felt very guilty as i never meant to hurt anyone I never wanted them to be told, but thats another story.Sorry am rambleing lol
The biggest problem I had was people minimalising my struggles. For example, the most common response I got was "just get over it".
I remember too well how isolated and overwhelmed I felt as a teenager to do that. It was a million years ago now, but the feeling is as strong now when I look back. Yet, because of that, it makes me want to break through to my son so that he knows he's not alone.
However, reading the advice here, that would be the worst thing.
The problem us parents have is that we are used to fixing things for our children. We don't want them to hurt, so we kiss a scraped knee better, we go into school to talk to teachers if there is a problem, we stop going round to a friend's house if their kid persistently bullies our kid. That's what we do. But now he's an adult, that's something we have to unlearn and it's hard to realise that you can't help your own child. Especially with something this big.
I wrote the note last night. Just said that he is probably aware of what I'd seen in his room and that I am here if he wants to talk.
Now all I have to do is 'act normal' when he gets up. It's a tough call!
First off, your son is very fortunate to have a mother like you. Secondly, thank you for looking to places and people like this/us.
I didn't read all the responses, so I'm just going to give my two cents and apologize if it's redundant.
He may not have wanted you to find his tool/evidence of SI, and the fact you did may make him close up. For some it's very shameful, and especially admitting it to a mother or someone you love... very hard. I cannot fathom telling anyone in my family for many different reasons. But, you do know, and so hopefully you can help in some way. In my opinion, notes are the best. Flat-out talking about it can be hard or impossible. Writing things down is a calm way to go about communicating the issue, plus you can get your thoughts organized and read it enough times to understand the other person's view and position. You can act normal, but at the same time, don't bullsh|t him.
If you ever want to talk, about your concerns or anything, I'm here. Welcome to RYL, and you're doing a great thing. I know it's hard, but don't stop despite his resistance.
Thank you for your continued support on here - and to the PMs people have been sending, what generousity of spirit!
Certainly finding this site has helped me, I will try to find a way to bring it to my son's attention. What I'm beginning to realise is that I can't help him at all, and that's hard. But reading the comments in this thread has made me come to a better understanding. Not quite about why (I'm not sure that will ever happen) but about his behaviour surrounding it, if that makes sense. So thank you for that insight.
He's read the note, he knows I'm here, we'll wait and see.
Hi, first off, I think that you're really great for trying to get your head around this, and not losing it completely. Even now, 5 or so years after my parents found out about my SI, they still freak out and get angry if they see new scars, but they do now try and pretend that they don't mind.
I really would say, though that I don't agree that you can't help your son. Sure, you can't make him stop, that has to be a personal decision, but help is very subjective. Just having someone there to rant at, or to be there when things aren't so good could be a real help. If he feels able to be honest with you about it, eventually then that will be a great thing. I'm coming up for 20, and I still don't feel fully able to go to my parents about it, any more than I first did 8/9 years ago when I started to SI.
Please, don't think that you're not helping just by trying to understand. He might not want your help now, but I'm pretty sure he'll appreciate it in a few weeks/months time. You can't beat SI on your own.
I really think you are doing the right thing.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."
You really seem to have a level head about all this. Writing a note seems like a great idea, and I'm glad you went through with it. I'll echo what someone else said, you can't MAKE him stop. But you can provide support. Sometimes just being willing to talk or go to lunch is enough. Just being able to say "hey, I'm really struggling right now, can we go out?" can be helpful, and at least prevent him from cutting for a little while.
The really supportive people in my life know that just because I haven't cut in months doesn't mean that I'm not struggling with it or don't think about it frequently. They also celebrate the little victories with me, the ones that a lot of people wouldn't necessarily see. More importantly, cutting doesn't define my relationships with those people- they're still just my roommates, my friends, etc.
Who can attest that when they're at their best
Oh their worst is still crouching close behind
It's coming to peace with the darkness in me
That allows the true light to shine inside "Ups and Downs" ~ Kendall Payne
You can -and are! - helping him just by supporting him through this and not treating him like some reject outcast or demon possessed child. Having a parent who reached out like you are with your son would have significantly improved my chances of recovering years before I did. Even though it may not feel like it, you are helping him. Your love and support are invaluable to his recovery. Though he may not be ready to fully recover yet, your continued love and support will help him get there.
Self harm, for me, was a way to cope when things got to be too much. So to recover I had to slowly find new ways to cope. After years of stuffing every negative feeling deep and using SI to release it all, it was hard to replace it but I did. Now I'm learning ways to really deal with life. It's been a long process with more than a few stumbling blocks and relapses, but after 7 years of self harm (and a childhood of various "self-harm like behaviors") I've been injury free for a year and 5 months. So there is a light at the end of the tunnel, never forget that.
I was confronted by my parents when they discovered and it sucked. They found out much less than they would have if I'd had time to think it through. Confrontation, particularly when the victim is outnumbered, never leads anyway good. Instead of being able to talk to my parents I flew to the defensive side and ultimately placed my trust in someone else, who was luckily able to help for a while.
The best thing to do is keep a look out so he doesn't get away with doing it too much but don't take away everything and don't stop him every time. People used to think that was the best way but it only made me worse. When I need to do it I need to do it and delaying or attempting to stop me only made it worse when I could do it.
Leave the note, but don't be intrusive. If you think it's serious, subtly hide medications and things like that.
I'm about your sons age, bit younger so if you want to PM me don't hesitate. I'm a current self-harmer who's done it for years and been approached about it in a variety of ways so I know what helps me and what doesn't, maybe its the same for your son.
