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Feeling it might be make or break recovery wise?
I am really, incredibly overwhelmed by feeling horrible about my body. One minute I look in the mirror and think ok, you are ok. Then a few hours later I am grabbing and tugging the fat all over my body and feeling physically sick by what I look like. The ed nurse said avoid the things that make me feel bad about myself, tight clothes, mirrors, windows. So tell me, how do I avoid my body? My flabby stomach? My no longer toned legs? What feels like a million double chins round my neck? How do I avoid THAT? Because that is what is haunting me right now. Everytime I look down I just hate it. All I keep thinking is I *must* do something about it. I am gaining weight and I don't seem to be stopping. Which I cannot handle and I cannot deal with. But the fact I have this weight on me is making me feel horrendous, low, depressed, and disgusting and I can't deal with those thoughts and feelings. Not when I am supposed to be getting better and away from all of this.
I keep thinking I want to do something about it. I want to tighten up my legs and try and loose some of my stomach, but can I really do that without getting sucked back in? But I have no choice but to try and be more healthier in my choices. Maybe I have gone to far? I'm eating things I wouldn't have dreamed of a few months ago, but maybe I am just becoming to absorbed in trying new foods, things with a higher fat content than usual, and I'm applauding myself, telling myself well done for being brave and trying it, when maybe, just maybe it's an excuse to stuff my face? Maybe not going to the gym or exercising is actually really bad for me and my body, but I let it go because it's showing that I am loosening my control, that I am not obsessed with it anymore. But perhaps actually, I have just gone to one extreme.
I DO NOT want to swing from one eating disorder to another. So far I have resisted purging, and have done so for about 4 months now. But over the last few weeks the urge has become extremely difficult to avoid and the voice has been hard to quieten. I am being careful not to fall into that trap.
So what do I do? I think I'm going to have to be more sensible. Allow myself treats, if I feel like them but also place some boundaries, not restrict or deprieve myself, but just make sure I don't over consume. Try and make healthier choices. Just in general. Exercise a little more, moderately. A few runs a week and some yoga and weight training. It's so hard though, the thought of relapse petrifies me. But if I carry on how I am, stay how I am, I will start to loathe my body even more and more, then I'll do something stupid. Cut back unhealthily, throw myself back into exercise, whereas if I do this in a moderate, sensible way I can prevent that, but also start to work on being happy with my body?
Whatever I do, I cannot deal with the fat on my stomach any longer. It genuinely makes me want to cry and I am absolutely terribly ashamed of it.
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