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I'm new and confused and could use some advice
First of all I'm really sorry if this is in the wrong forum or breaks rules, I'm not sure how this works yet. If it is please let me know and I'll do my best to delete/move/repost/edit as necessary.
I've been self harming for many years, I've also been very unsuccessfully trying to stop for many years. What I did manage in those attempts was regulation/stability in it. This past year that stability kind of fell apart, it was always shaky but mostly got pulled back to 'normal' levels eventually. This time after several months it settled ish, even more shaky than last time, on a more difficult to manage level than before. Due to a previous agreement after a short period seeking help about a year after I first started seriously harming, I spoke to my GP and got referred to pretty much every single NHS and charity based organisation in the area in turn.
Nobody would accept my referral. The principal MH team who I was first referred to said (after two assessments spreading over several months) that my issues were most likely due to my potential autism (assessment pending, two years and counting, not before 2023) and therefore they weren't the right centre, I needed specialist help, not that I can get that without a diagnosis. They referred me on to talking therapies and then began the merry-go-round of all the organisations anyone could think of that is non-anonymous or online based. Every single one of them said they didn't manage my level of risk and that I needed to go back to the MH team. So back I went to the MH team and now I'm discharged back to my GP who's admitted she has nowhere left to send me and it's beyond her expertise with instructions to go back to my GP if it gets significantly worse or unmanageable. The same conditions I got given last time, and having followed them I just get the same but with a new bar?
I've used pain to manage overwhelm of various sorts for nearly as long as I can remember, I don't know if I can fully stop. But it keeps escalating every spiral and it doesn't return to previous levels consistently. It's just getting worse, over a fairly long timescale, but it is. And I'm scared of it.
I'd love to say the health service rejections felt purely because of my circumstances. I understand every individual reason for not accepting my referral, but I don't understand how I can sit in risk assessment after risk assessment of people saying "you did the right thing by seeking help", "you definitely need some professional support", "you really need to make sure you get some MH support in place for this upcoming triggering thing" and just get a whole load of "not us", "we're not the right service for you", "you would be better served by X service" and just finish with nothing but a recommendation that was already followed and information sheets and apps that tell me to go speak to my GP and have no new information that I hadn't already found in my years of trying to sort it out on my own.
I'm losing the will to try to stop, but my efforts to stop and my ambition to stop is what's keeping everything under control so if I lose that then the only outcome I can see is a quickening descent to whatever awaits me at the bottom.
I can't see what stopping will get me any more, let alone a path to get there.
Well this was long, if you reached the bottom well done! Any advice is greatly appreciated, anyone who's experienced something similar just knowing I'm not the only one stuck in this weird rubbish limbo would be great.
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