miss being sick.. :S

[Morpheus]

Okay, I know this is going to sound horrible and i feel really guilty for posting it but i really genuinely miss being ill. I somehow got it into my head that i was happier being sick.

I used to be really sick with anorexia some years ago and ended up in the hospital where i somewhat got better. At least, I gained weight. However, i never really recovered and my ED thoughts are worse than they have been in a long time. So lately, in my head, it has started to make sense that when i still have the thoughts and struggle with all that ****, it would make it easier was i just skinny again. If i was still sick. I am a normal weight but has recently gained some and i am really really struggling to cope with that. I am completely trapped in the old eating disorder mindset and i cant eat a single thing without feeling guilty and my natural response to that is well.. stop eating.

I am just longing for the days where i was really sick. At least i looked as ill as i feel now. I was prettier and happier casue i was losing weight. Now i just feel **** and fat and horrible and i know that it is actually the case. I have no numbers to prove me wrong or no shrinking body to comfort me. I am just stuck in this huge body where i feel so trapped and unhappy. I hate everything about it and i get urges to just cut off all the fat each day. All i can think about is weight and food and all the weight i need to lose to go back to my old one. To be thin and beautiful and pure again.

And i feel like the doctors are mocking me. calling me anorexic when i am perfectly aware that i dont fit the criteria. That i eat too much, weigh too much, dont exercise enough.. I am not anorexic anymore and i just feel like they are taking the piss each time they mention that diagnosis. It is really upsetting me.

I don't know what i am asking for and i know i am wrong in feeling the way i do. Especially knowing that a lot of you struggle with this illness and wants to get better and here i am, wanting to go back to that it I just feel so desperate and vulnerable and i am so close to going back to my old behaviors.. hell, i already have to an extend. And i know it's wrong, i know i shouldn't but i want to. I really want to.

[GoodEnoughSoon]

I couldn't have written this! I know exactly how you feel. My therapist told me this was 'Atypical anorexia'...ie you've gained the weight but you are still mentally back there. You don't need to be thin to have an ED. So many people struggle whilst having a normal BMI.

Try to remember the reasons why you went into treatment, why you want rid of this, why you shouldn't lose weight. Remember how miserable you felt when at that lower weight, the friends you lost, the things you couldn't do. Maybe you could also re-start a meal plan/food diary. You could take an example of what you were adviced to eat when you were receiving treatment.

Just keep reminding yourself that you don't need to go back there. Its a horrible place to be. I just keep reminding myself of all the things it took away from me rather than what it gave me. Because of course it gives you something, otherwise you wouldn't be doing it. Maybe you need to discover what purpose your ED serves for you?

If you are still talking with doctors etc, maybe it would be worth seeing if you could get a bit more therapy? Clearly you aren't coping too well at the moment.

Anyways, i'll shut up now!! I know how horrible this is for you. Don't give up though. You done amazingly well to get this far. There is so much to see in life :)

ps, sorry for any spelling mistakes!

[mikey]

Hey.

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. I can relate to what you wrote as I was in a similar place a while ago. I did go back into anorexia and it has totally ****ed up my life. Again.

I can only echo what's been said above. Try and remind yourself of the bad things about your anorexia. Perhaps write a list, or a 'pros and cons' of remaining healthy or slipping back.

Also, I've seen pictures of you and you are absolutely STUNNING. Seriously, you are beautiful - I would give a lot to look like you! I'm being honest. If I didn't think so I wouldn't have said it. You are also certainly not fat. In fact, to me you look slim but healthily so, not sickly so.

What do you think would happen if you did become ill again? Do you want people to notice that you're struggling and if you lose weight you think they will? If so, then there are better ways: just tell somebody.

Please take care.

[Morpheus]

Thak you so much for your replies. It really means a lot to me.

I dont know why i want to get sick again other than i have convinced myself it will make me happier. that it will make my thoughts easier to deal with and not as strong. I know i am probably just kidding myself and trying to take the easy way out but i really think it will at least make it a little bit easier. And i think i would look prettier. As it is now, i feel like i literally cant be in my skin. Like i am about to burst. I keep scratching my skin because of this. over and over and i am just desperate for things to change. To me, this is the only possible way I can make it change, make it better. I have no idea how to do it any other way.

I dunno really. I just feel so desperate. I want it to stop so badly but i cant and it just leaves me feeling hopeless. I spent some days in hospital last week because i couldn't keep myself safe. In my mind, i have two options: lose weight or take my own life. Everything i've tried, therapy, hospital, treatment etc. havent worked so far and right now, i just feel like giving up. I dont know what to do anymore to be honest.

[Gone.]

Why is weight so important to you? You've convinced yourself that weight is the be all and end all of everything i.e. the statement where you have to lose weight or end your life and I am wondering why this ultimatum has appeared. I've seen photos of you on here and have always thought that you have such a quirky type of beauty especially in your eyes and bone structure... even if that won't make a difference, I thought I'd say it. What is the reason you'd be happier? Perhaps it would be an idea to think about why and your circumstances.

In the past, I assume, you've had bad experiences with anorexia and going into hospital and suchlike. They may have spurred on your original recovery so maybe think back to why you wanted to recover last time and talk to someone... if you can.

Just because you are not X pounds or kilograms or whatever does not mean that you are a fraud and this isn't real to you. Of course it is, otherwise you wouldn't have posted or gone into hospital last week. People wouldn't be suggesting anorexia to you if they didn't think you were struggling. Try not to fob them off with pleasantries and talk to them. It's hard but you have the strength in you to do that.

Take care.

[Morpheus]

the thing is, i didn't really want to recover back then. I wanted to be left alone with my eating disorder but i was sort of forced. It was like, agree to go IP or we section you. I didn't want to go at all and i wasn't anywhere near ready to recover. They promised me i would be happier if i started recovery etc. but it never helped me. Recovery never made me feel better.

I do have bad experiences with anorexia, it almost killed me but as it is now.. That thing in itself isn't bothering me too much. Actually, i think thats one of the reason I want to go back to it. I dunno really..

And i suppose the whole losing weight thing as my only option is that it's something i can change and i can change quickly. Where the other things i struggle with, it's limited how much i can do this moment so it's easier to focus on my weight because i can actually change that.

I tried making a pro and con list but it didnt really help that much. I know it have negative things, going back but i just dont seem to care anymore if that makes sense. It's like i have already given up.
thank you for your reply.