I can't post this on my regular account. I'm sorry, it's hard enough posting it already.
For about a month someone hurt me. Nearly every night they'd pin me down in bed, and do stuff to me. Violently, using objects and their hands. They'd threaten to use a knife to f**k me if I tried to stop them. Some of it I don't remember, I've blanked it out. Afterwards I couldn't walk/move without pain. It always hurt when I went to the toilet, and sometimes I'd be bleeding too.
The violent aspect stopped just under a year ago, although I had pretty regular sex with the person for a few more months. Everytime I did, it really hurt; even though they weren't being violent, they weren't exactly gentle.
Anyway, it's all stopped now. But it still hurts down there. Like, all the time - it stings when I pee. It's itchy a lot of the time. It hurts. And the sensations brings back body memories in that area. I'm scared, ashamed, embarrassed, humiliated... I haven't told my doctor, it's too embarrassing, and what if they say they need to check? I can't, just the thought makes me feel nauseous and anxious and sick with shame.
I know I should go. I just. I don't know what to do. Could use a hug for sure.
I'm so sorry that these horrendous things happened to you. It is absolutely completely wrong and its natural to feel anxious even though it has now stopped.
Sweetheart, it sounds to me like you really need to go to see your doctor. I know how hard it is, but your doctor will have heard similar stories of sexual abuse before. Also, I had to have an STI test once for a residential programme that I was going to for help, and I was terrified. It is quite quick, and the nurses who do them often do more than 10 a day, so although it will be hard for you, it will be nothing different to them.
Maybe you could make a list of pros and cons about going to your doctor? Maybe you could write down what you want to say to him/her? Just think, maybe it will be difficult to discuss, and if they test you it might be uncomfortable for a few moments, but after that think how relieved you will be to know what is wrong, and I'm sure your doctor will offer you ongoing support if you want someone to discuss things with.
I hope this helps. **Huge hugs**
I'm here if you need someone xxx
'I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, in whom I take refuge, my sheild and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.'
Psalm 18:1-2
I don't have words right now, but I wanted to post any way because I'm so sad to hear what you have been through.
I would encourage you to go and get checked out... I had this done recently and would be happy to talk to you about it if you wanted to know more about it.
If you ever want to talk, please PM me. Thinking of you and wishing you all the best.
Pros:
know what's wrong (if anything's wrong)
can get medical attention if needed
Cons:
embarassing
humiliating
makes anxiety worse
makes flashbacks worse
need to be able to function and probably won't after any 'checks'
might get the person into trouble
It's probably not an STI as... bodily fluids were not exchanged. It would be pretty hard to get an STI from objects.
I don't mean to frighten you in any way but it sounds like some damage could have been done to you. I know it's really hard to talk about but maybe you could try and just mention it to your gp but maybe also say that you don't feel ready for an examination yet???? Maybe it would be less scary to talk a bit about it first????
No one will force you to be examinated, you can do it when you feel ready but i'm just a bit concerned that the damage might not heal up well without treatment. But i won't pressure you into going because i do understand it could add to an already painful situation.
If you can then try to mention it to someone. Maybe bring someone with you to the doctor. If you're not ready yet that is totally ok. I can understand how hard this must be. I hope you're as ok as you can be given the circumstances. If you ever need to talk then feel free to pm me :)
Hey hunny, well done for writing a list of pros and cons. I know it looks like there are more cons, but when you GP knows what you are struggling with he may offer you support for your anxiety and flashbacks. Could you go to the doctors one day that you're free so you can go home and relax afterwards? In terms of getting the person into trouble, if you are over 18 the doctor can't do anything without your permission.
Sweetheart, please take care of yourself.
I'm only ever a PM away xxx
'I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, in whom I take refuge, my sheild and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.'
Psalm 18:1-2
**Hugs sweetheart** take some deep breaths and think about somewhere you feel safe. It is okay to cry. xxx
'I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, in whom I take refuge, my sheild and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.'
Psalm 18:1-2
I just want to say I know its really hard, trust me I know how scary it is having to do something like that. You never know, if you go to the doctors and explain your symptoms (you dont have to say anything about how they came about) they might say its as simple as something like a bladder infection - it may not be an STI at all.
But it is really important that you go and tell a doctor your symptoms - you dont even have to have an examination if you dont want one. Just simply talking to the doctor about it might give you some more indication of what it is and you may not even need an examination.
I dont mean to scare you, but if it is an infection, then if its not dealt with and treated - it could make you infertile. You could never have kids - ever. And then he has not only hurt you in an unimaginable way, but he has also had a direct impact on your life in the future as well.
I had to go and have an STI test, and Im not going to lie - it wasnt very pleasant at all. But the nurses were so so nice to me, and so gentle, and I know in the UK if you go for an STI test at a GUM clinic you have to fill in this form saying why you're there, and you can tick a box that says that you have been assaulted and need to get checked out. if you tick that box then you dont have to say a thing about what happened, but they will know that you will need the nurses to be extra careful and extra nice.
I ended up having an infection and i had to be treated for it - if i hadnt of gone, and i hadnt have been checked out, then a few years down the line and i could be infertile.
Maybe the first step could be to make an appointment with the doctor (or make a thread in the first aid forum and see what they say, and then make an appointment with the doctor) and just go and talk to them about it - you dont even have to have an examination or anything if you dont feel up to it.
I really hope you manage to get this sorted out.
If you wanted to ask any questions about what happens in an examination or anything like that, then just give me a pm :)
'I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, in whom I take refuge, my sheild and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.'
Psalm 18:1-2
didn't go well
although no infections from swabs
good
but they didn't do a full examination
just outside examination and quick swabs
when they called with results they said they didn't want to do the full examination unless absolutely necessary as they couldn't see anything from this time round and it was too traumatic for me and i'd need to be sedated and they doesn't think that's a good idea right now
