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Triggering (ED) - tried so hard
tried so hard, got so far, in the end it doesnt really matter
does it? does this really matter? does it matter if i get out of bed today? does it matter if i have breakfast, lunch and dinner? does it matter if i have my two snacks? does it matter wether i go to the supermarket and buy food? does it matter if i eat? what about drinking does that matter?
you see i think it doesnt matter at all. i think i tried, and im trying cos i want to please you, but im done trying! im done trying to impress, trying to do all you want me to, trying to be what you want me to be. the reality is: i dont want food. i dont want to eat. i dont care about me. im done trying, cos ive come this far and im sick of it. in the end it doesnt matter.
one day this will go away, eithier becos im dead, or becos the issues revolveing slowly round behind get solved and shelfed away. for now it doesnt matter. each day cannot be a war about food. each day is the struggle to survive, to find a reason to continue liveing, to find a reason not to destroy. im sick of trying too hard. im sick of trying at all.
if i stop trying so hard will i find another way? a way thats not about you, and making you happy, and doing what you want, but a way that asks questions and finds out if its hungry....
if i stop trying would i find that maybe i do care after all?
if i stopped trying would i find that this isnt actually the end?
after all, all that matters is love.
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