Feeling awful

[not_so_insig]

I am having trouble with feeling suicidal especially at night. I am fine during the day however I think that it's because there's more distractions then. Also its more socially acceptable to make noise/be more active as the quietness is making my thoughts worse.

I have no real problems and I know that I am loved. Yet I want to end it all. I have decided that I won't do anything until Christmas Day as I don't want to ruin the holidays for everyone by being dead. Also i have a cat and i know that is that as long as i have him i won't harm myself. But the biggest problem is how do I get through the night?

I am seeing my cpn on Tuesday and will mention it then. I don't see what she can do.

[maii]

Gosh I'm sorry you're feeling this low; I know it all too well myself and sometime out of the blue (for me in the morning) I feel very suicidal too.



I'm sorry I don't have the correct words and know how to help you but I hope when you see your cpn perhaps there is something that might give you some hope, but yeah, sometime I don't know what to expect from my therapist and I don't see mine until after the holidays and I expect to be in a numb state of mind, so I guess I get it.



I truly hope you feel better and I know its hard ... a daily struggle.



Try to take care of yourself and you have people here that care about you.

[one_step_closer]

I'm sorry you're feeling so awful, Dawn. I can relate to what you're saying. The evenings can be really hard for me too. Keep reminding yourself of all your reasons to live. Does anything safe soothe you a bit? Take very good care of yourself and do all the things that lift your mood even a tiny bit. Do you have good lighting? Sometimes that can help a bit. Keep posting here if it helps and definitely talk it through with your CPN and reach out to other people if you have other people who can listen in the moment. You can get through this.

[not_so_insig]

Thanks you two for your replies.

Lindsay i have a mega bright light bulb in my bedroom
In my living room I have my Christmas tree lights plus my window lights as well as my main light atm. I always struggle with winter as I find January the worst. Twice I have ended up IP in January.

I really don't see what my cpn can do. I doubt that she wants me IP as I have yet to harm myself. I won't have my cat with me over Christmas.

I don't see a future for me right now and I don't see what my cpn can do. I don't even know if she's off during Christmas and duty never answer their phone/call back. Not that I would speak to a stranger anyway. I might ask if my cpn is off if it's OK if I speak to my ex cpn as I feel she's the only person that i can trust. If they're both off I am screwed.

[one_step_closer]

Why won't you have your cat with you over Christmas? What are your plans for Christmas? Try and remember that this time of the year is always difficult for you and that things are not always so dire. I hope you can find someone you trust to talk to if you need to.

[not_so_insig]

I am off to my parents house over Christmas. Due to their layout of their house and the fact my cat is indoors I won't be able to take him with me. Also my mum doesn't like a litter tray in the house. So he is off to a cattery over Christmas.

[one_step_closer]

How do you feel about spending Christmas with your parents? How are you feeling in general now, any improvement?

[not_so_insig]

I am ok with spending time with my parents. No improvement last night still felt awful.

[not_so_insig]

Also had a slight touch of paranoia yesterday. I genuinely thought that people were reading my thoughts. I coped by constantly wearing a hat.

[one_step_closer]

That sounds difficult to cope with. Do things like this happen every year? Have you learned anything that helps from previous years? Are things a bit easier when you are with your parents? Sorry for all the questions.

[not_so_insig]

I always struggle with Christmas. Don't worry about the questions. I find taking prn helpful maybe I should take it. I know that I can be sensible with it atm. Also find doing something creative or updating my blog useful.

As for my parents I find it mixed. Some bits are helpful but I am expected to be social which due to my mh problems I just want to be left alone. Plus I will worry about my kitty even though I know he will be well cared for and recently they won an award. Also my ed always flares up and my dad always critises my eating which makes me more likely to restrict. I struggle with my ed.

[one_step_closer]

Please make sure you do the useful safe things, there's no need to suffer if there are things that might make it a bit easier at least. I think everyone finds it mixed with family. How long will you be with them? Will you be able to take breaks to be by yourself? I hope you can remind yourself that your cat will be well looked after and you can look forward to seeing him once you're both home. Are you better with your food when you are at your own place? I hope it's not too difficult food wise at your parents.

[not_so_insig]

I will be there for 10 days. Yes I do find it easier to manage food when I am home unless I am paranoid. The only plus side is that I don't have to cook as I struggle with cooking a lot. Even though my mh is telling me that it's poisoned when things are bad i trust my mum's cooking. Other people's not so much. I don't think I am going to my aunts house over Christmas which I have trouble coping with. Last year was bad with her.

[one_step_closer]

Good luck with your CPN today, I hope she has some good advice.

[not_so_insig]

Thanks Lindsay.

[one_step_closer]

How did you get on if it's ok to ask?

[not_so_insig]

She was helpful. Said not to suffer in silence and present at a&e rather than od. Or call 111 if she wasnt around. She said people would miss me including her if I was dead. Including my cat. I think that she was saying it to be realistic not to guilt trip me. She didn't tell me to run a bath or make a cup of tea which is good . She asked if I had enough prn which I do. I was honest with her about my feelings.

[one_step_closer]

Well done with being honest and I'm glad she was helpful. Do you think you will be able to reach out if you need to? Lots of people would definitely miss you.

[not_so_insig]

Thanks Lindsay. I had an slightly better night last night emotionally. Felt a bit more positive. Not much but something is better than nothing. I managed to keep myself safe which is the main thing.

Tbh I don't know if I can reach out to anyone if I feel bad mentally. I don't feel entirely comfortable with talking to anyone on the phone other than my cpn because my parents will listen in in the conversation. I don't feel very comfortable talking to my parents that I feel suicidal because they tend to overreact and lock away anything potentially harmful (even stuff I wouldn't use). Which would lead to even more riskier behaviour than my preferred suicide method. I guess that I could go back to my flat for a few days but I wouldn't have my cat to keep me safe but on the other hand it would make talking to my cpn easier. I will see how I feel nearer the time.

Thanks for saying people would miss me. I find that hard to believe atm.

[not_so_insig]

I have been wild swimming. S (the person I go swimming with) cheered me up. Yes I feel suicidal but rn I feel as though I can fight it and will do my best not to harm myself.