Triggering (Abuse) - Remebering things trig si/suicide also
Ok, I've posted on RYL a few times in the past for various things, but never here. Basically, I've suffered from depression for 6 years, been on and off anti depressants but can never let myself keep taking them to get well, because basically i dont believe that i deserve to get well, this goes for meds on physical complaints aswell. I self harm, but am currently trying to stop, I apparently have an eating disorder, but i dont think i do ... I also suffer from anxiety attacks etc and my gp has prescribed Valium 2mg for that to take when i absolutely have to , just this once to take the edge off things while im working through it with a counsellor.
Basically I started remembering things that I didn't particularly want to after my counselling sessions, and I dont feel able to cope with them. I've told my counsellor that I can't cope and she's said that history has proven otherwise and i will be fine, i can see where shes coming from but im so scared ill hurt myself. Today i took one of my valium, spent most of the day after my counselling session sleeping through the unpleasantness of memories. I was physically abused a few times, only a few times, so that doesnt really classify as abuse. I was also emotionally abused quite alot i think ... things just keep coming back to me over and over again and i want them to stop. My counsellor keeps terming what happened as abuse, but i dont think of it as that, its just the way things happened. I hate remembering it all, i need to hurt myself to stop it all , but i dont really want to, i just dont know what to do.
Emotional abuse can scar deep, right into your soul and sense of yourself.
I was also emotionally abused, and physically abused several times. Once has an impact. It doesn't matter how many times, it's still abuse if it hurt you and had such an impact, if it was all about the other person wanting power over you.
I suggest you have a read of the article I wrote in the current eZine. It's all about the effects of emotional abuse, and how you cope with the aftermath.
Thanks, I read your article, it was really good. I can't let myself do those things though, i cant care about myself, i dont deserve it. I deserve everything thats happening to me and more, and thats why i hurt myself. I'm on constant painkillers at the moment because of constant stomach pains which noone knows what they are so im on strong painkillers which at times, including today, i withhold on purpose beacuse i deserve the pain without them. I keep remembering too many things and all i want is to forget them again but i cant, is there anyway to just make it all stop without hurting myself? i just need it to stop now.
I make myself feel like i deserve pain, noone did anything ... not now anyway, it cant be from all that stuff, it was years ago, like over 10 years ago. I shouldnt even have talked about it, not to my counsellor, i shouldnt have told anyone and now ive messed it all up. It's all my fault anyway, always was.
Because it should have been kept a secret. I wasnt meant to tell about any of it, noone told me but its just assumed, i mean, you dont talk about things like that usually. My parents love me, they didnt mean it, did they? I dont think they did. I hate this, i didnt mean to remember :(
My parents love/d me too. But because of their own problems, they weren't able to express or show or feel this as much as I needed to for healthy emotional development to take place.
'Secrets' are common in dysfunctional families. 'Noone should know' because it's like it brings shame on the household. But living with the impact of the secrets can cause toxic shame to grow inside of us, leaving lasting emotional wounds that need healing.
My counsellor wants me to talk about it all "out loud" but what am I meant to say, I can't cope with this, I just can't do it anymore. Why can't I just give up? Why won't people just let me go.
