Will I ever get a normal life? Big scramble of words

[Un_Forgiven]

This is some thoughts about how my life is right now, about what is filling my head.
In August I turn 20. As 20 years old I’m no longer considered a teen and therefore no longer able to continue my treatment and therapy at the psychiatric ward I am connected to right now. Now I have two possibilities, one is to send an application to the adult psychiatric ward and with 99% security get rejected or get the best end of my therapy as possible and live without a safety net. Without someone to catch me or help me withdraw from my medication (antidepressant, mood stabilizer and antipsychotic).
On the surface I feel ready to try to stand on my own two legs. But deep down, I am SO afraid to have a relapse. So afraid I won’t be able to withdraw from my meds. So afraid of life. I’m so afraid.
After almost 5 years of therapy I get cut loose just because I turn 20. Just because of my age.

I haven’t selfharmed in over 4 years. Or to be correct, I haven’t cut myself for over 4 years. But selfharm is much more than just cutting, or what leaves scars or marks.

Not only does the situation with ending my therapy frustrate me, but my whole life. I’m a nursing student and I absolutely love it! But still I wonder if I should be a nurse because of my past. Because of my scars. I once had a patient asking me what happened, and I totally panicked. I just kept quiet. I hate myself for giving myself those scars, but hate myself even more for not accepting them as they are. I can’t turn back time, only make the present.
Will I ever be able to go to work, put on my uniform and feel confident as I am, with or without scars. Will I ever be able to accept me?

As these thoughts is rummaging through my head I think of how a person like me, mentally ill, suicidal when in affect and former selfharmer, can ever be a good nurse? How? Will I ever be good at anything? Will I ever get a normal life?

This was a big scramble of words flying around in my head at 9 pm on a day that is one of the harder ones.

[Tautology]

Does your ward have a transition program? What makes you think there's a 99% chance of being rejected? If they don't have room in their adult program, they should be able to refer you to someplace that does.

I know it's a scary time, but try not to put the cart before the horse. You have over a month to figure out what your next step is and to put it into action.

If you love nursing, continue it! You don't owe an explanation to strangers for why you have those scars. They in no way affect your ability to perform your duties. If someone notices my scars I tell them it's from a biking accident, fell over onto a broken bottle, then change the subject. That's enough for most people. I know that's contradictory to not owing an explanation, but often any explanation is good enough for them to forget about it.

[Un_Forgiven]

No they don’t have a transition program. Unfortunately. But they will try to let go of me the best way they can do.
Im simply too well-functioning. My therapist are trying to see if a private psychiatrist can take me instead of the adult program.
Yeah I guess any explanation is better than none, and to be honest most people already knows what happened before they ask.

[Pi.R^2]

I hope that your therapist will be able to find a good treatment option for you for after you turn 20. I'm sure it'll be a big relief once you know what the plan is going forward.

In terms of nursing, if you love it, go for it! Having had first hand experience of hospitals and treatment could well make you an even better nurse as you'll have an understanding and empathy that not ll your colleagues will have. I know lots of people who work in healthcare (both doctors and nurses) who have a history of mental health problems and have visible self harm scars. I'm not a nurse but I am a teacher and what has helped me not get flustered if a child asks a question about my arms is having a rehearsed answer so I can quickly brush it off and not get flustered. In my case I say "ooh, that's a bit of a personal question" and quickly move on. Obviously that's more suited to my particular role, but you could choose something you feel comfortable with.