So... I'm in Boston. I was volunteering at the marathon. I was at the finish line minutes before the bombs went off.
I thought I was okay. I mean, I'm not injured and I wasn't there when it happened.
Then tonight, stuff hit the fan. There was a shooting on my campus and I tuned into the scanner to keep up with events during the lock down. I turned it off a few minutes ago when they called an all units retreat from explosives and shots were fired.
It's not the events themselves that triggered me- it was listening to the cops voices. You could hear the pain in the cop's voice as he yelled officer down. And minutes later someone else was calling out officer down. I couldn't take it anymore. It's just too much- too much for one week, too much for one night. And it's killing me that I have to keep posting that I'm safe for my friends and family to know. It kills me because no one should be worrying about me- we should all be worrying about those guys out there putting their lives on the line for us.
It's already been a crappy semester. My computer broke, I was almost-hospital sick for a week, then I was stranded in Boston until the bridges reopened Monday night. I'm so behind on work that I was already tempted to si for the sake of spurring myself into productivity. Usually, I si to reconnect with the world but tonight I just want to disconnect from the world. Not die- just be able to focus on school and only school and not have to worry about cops dying.
I don't know what I'm posting for. I keep saying I'm okay by I guess I'm not. I dunno, I guess I just want to not give in to the urges and I don't really have anyone around that understands about dealing with si and/or isn't dealing with the same stuff.
So, yeah. I'll keep fighting. Right.
"Absoloodle!"
"He was a fierce hunter, but he was small and easily squished."
I'm not that sure of how best to reply,
I'm so sorry for all the horrible things in the world that are happening and i'm sorry for how you have been affected. i wish i could answer all the questions or explain, but i cant.
I know it might seem like the world is just the most awful place, but amongst all these bad things we see real goodness and how people come together and perform such kindness and bravery.
You don't have to pretend and say you are ok, it is ok not to be ok.
It is strong and brave to admit you need help, you don't have to deal with this alone, is there someone you can talk to?
Thinking of you, stay safe xxx
♥ .I'm going to fall like I don't need saving. ♥
...My smile's just the armour I built when I was alone...
There was some part of me that hurt so badly, that I wouldn't ever be able to forget it.
It faded but the memories could bring it back any second, keeping me in the moment.
It would never fully heal. I could never really be free. I could never really be fixed. Now I just have to work out how to live whilst being broken.
I feel like I'm dying.
I'm sorry to hear you're struggling at the moment. It can't have been nice to have been so close to when it went off and listening to the radio after. Is there anyone you can talk to about this?
Thanks for replying DontLookUp and TimesLikeThese. You're right about how great it is to see people coming together to help each other- that was what kept me going on Monday. Seeing how my fellow volunteers kept it together and hearing the runners thank us for not abandoning them. I just wish less concern had been directed at me during the intense points- I know it means people care about me, but it was too much, too quickly if that makes sense. It felt like pressure to be okay because I wanted people to focus on others that actually weren't okay- especially as I was hearing things escalate over the scanner.
I know it seems weird to have posted when I wanted less pressure, but I guess it just felt like I needed someone to know that I was really trying to not hurt myself, someone that would know that it's not an attention thing but a coping thing.
Eventually I just shut off my computer and went to hang out with the security guard downstairs. At first it was worse because there was a suspicious package reported outside my dorm, but it was cleared quickly and it felt reassuring to be near someone that would know what to do if had turned into a situation.
Thanks to the lock down, my entire dorm gathered yesterday to watch movies, play games, and just sit together. I think that was what helped most. No one here knows about my SI which was sort of the tricky part in talking to anyone. My school doesn't deal well with SI cases- they usually ship you home immediately and I really don't want that to happen. But it was comforting to sit with the security guards (I know them all thanks to my job!) and they seemed to pick up on the fact that I just needed company.
I'm really glad that it's all over and that I can decidedly try to focus on school again. It's still overwhelming to think of all the work I need to do, but I think it'll be easier to fight the urge without crazy things happening right outside.
"Absoloodle!"
"He was a fierce hunter, but he was small and easily squished."
It must have been scary going through that in Boston. It's understandable how if could affect you. I know that there are some hotlines being advertised for people that need to talk about what's going on with the Boston bombing, I'm sure you could find the number if you google it. It might be helpful to be able o talk about it. Also do you have a couselor or anything you Could talk to? It might be helpful. I hope you have stayed safe, if you need anything I'm here. Take care and continue to try to be strong.
Is there some meaning to this life?What purpose lies behind the strife?
Whence do we come, where are we bound? These cold questions echo and resound through each day, each lonely night.
We long to find the splendid light that will cast a revelatory beam
upon the meaning of the human dream.
If you ever need anything I am only a message away
Sorry you kinda answered some of what I said in your post, I just didn't see it until I posted mine cause my page hadn't updated while I was writing the post. Sorry.
Is there some meaning to this life?What purpose lies behind the strife?
Whence do we come, where are we bound? These cold questions echo and resound through each day, each lonely night.
We long to find the splendid light that will cast a revelatory beam
upon the meaning of the human dream.
If you ever need anything I am only a message away
Just saw this post and wanted to let you know you are not alone... from a waltham, ma resident :)
"Whenever someone sorrows, I do not say, "forget it," or "it will pass," or "it could be worse" -- all of which deny the integrity of the painful experience. But I say, to the contrary, "It is worse than you may allow yourself to think. Delve into the depth. Stay with the feeling. Think of it as a precious source of knowledge and guidance. Then and only then will you be ready to face it and be transformed in the process."
Wow, IDK what to say... I applaud at your resistance to not SH, especially right now that it's a trying time in Boston but have you thought of just saying "No, I'm not OK" to see if anyone wants to talk to you about it? Maybe all you need to do is vent. Trying times like these, sometimes all you want is for someone to talk to you and be like "I'm here for you, everything will be okay".
Gargoylemaiden - I hope you're dealing with this all better than I am.
Olds442 - Thanks for praise. It really means a lot to me. I can't even say how much it means to me. I've managed to stay safe this whole time but I don't really have anyone to tell :/
I think I really do need to vent, but I don't trust anyone at school enough to do so. I'm kind of giving off tidbits here and there to different people. The security guard probably has noticed the most. I've been studying late again so he sees me during his rounds. He's the only person to notice that whenever I hear a siren, I jump a mile. And that I startle easily again, whereas before I would hear sounds, identify them, and move on. He's been sort of just doing the hand on my shoulder thing and it does make me feel better.
In general, I just feel... upheaved? I mean, I have ADHD, I'm never really in a routine or regular about anything. But lately, it's been like I'm back to square 1. My doc is being really encouraging but I feel like it's being overshadowed on all levels by my professors. I understand that they want to make sure we're okay, but when they start off class with somber talks about the past events and then move right into talking about all the work we need to catch up on because classes were cancelled, it's just like, well what do you want from me? It's not my fault classes were cancelled. Honestly, only two of my professors are being helpful and no surprise, they live in Watertown.
"Absoloodle!"
"He was a fierce hunter, but he was small and easily squished."
freakangel - no worries. The marathon organizers have set up counseling sessions but I don't really feel comfortable talking to random people, especially in groups. Other than that, yeah.
"Absoloodle!"
"He was a fierce hunter, but he was small and easily squished."
Thanks for checking back. I'm doing better now that things have significantly calmed. Still jumpy with sirens but I've overheard other people talking about being siren-sensitive now, so I don't feel so alone anymore.
Right now, I'm mostly just struggling with finishing my thesis on time while getting three other papers written for my other classes. Every time I see the sun rise while I'm working on my thesis, I just get hit with this urge to bruise, to cut, to do anything to relieve the anxiety. It just seems like such an impossible task. I'm working 90% of the time I'm awake and I'm only sleeping ~4 hours a night.
I'm doing everything I can to resist. I work out everyday to get those happy highs and as an excuse to enjoy the sunny weather. I'm wearing my recovery bracelet and look at it when the itch is worst. I try to work with friends, but it's distressing because I feel like I'm less productive and I'm always the last one to leave (by HOURS). At the same time, almost everyone I know is cheering me on. I never realized how much the janitors, the grounds staff, the security guards, and even the dining hall employees knew me. They all do little things, like telling me a joke at 3am, sneaking me snacks after the dining hall closes, or even giving me high fives during the day. I feel like if I don't finish, I'm failing them too, but I can't SI either, because somehow that would invalidate all their efforts to cheer me up.
If I can just make it to Friday... I will (hopefully) have finished everything by then and it's my birthday so I can sleep as much as I want...
"Absoloodle!"
"He was a fierce hunter, but he was small and easily squished."
