My friend got in touch, she's coming to stay over later, she is struggling. I worry about her staying after last time.
I'm going to see Frankie's grave today. I feel nothing, it's not real, but maybe that will change. I remember last christmas she was in hospital but they allowed me to give her some presents through my support worker. I wasn't allowed to see her. Shortly after she ran off with me and were going to go to london but got found by the police. Apparently I was hysterical at them taking her away. I don't remember much I was rather drunk. The bruises from the hand cuffs lasted for days though. That was the last day that she ever went out alone, not far off a year ago. I wish she had got the chance again I was going to take her and my friend to see Matilda the musical, that was my 21st birthday present off my mum. We never got the chance, that makes me so sad.
I just want the chance to hold her again
'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥
I'm glad your friend got in touch. It must have been a relief. It must be hard to have someone who is struggling staying while you're not in the best place at the moment. Is there some things you can put in place to ensure you both remain safe and well?
It's really hard going to a grave; memories will flood your mind. Are you going to put something on the grave? Try to think of good times with her though, times when you both laughed. That sounds like a really traumatic experience for you both.
It's sad that you didn't get to see the musical with her. Could you maybe do it in her memory?
I can absolutely understand the longing of wanting to hold someone you've lost again. Sometimes you find you miss them so much it hurts to breathe. Time will make a difference though. You'll never stop missing her, but thinking of her will get easier. You'll be filled with good times rather than bad.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
I'm glad she got in touch, she is with me now, we are drinking but not excessively. I've got pills to get me by my Olanzapine really herlping. We are safe and I've taken pills to a safe place so she doesn;t take them from me again. We are having a good night. Shes going to bed now, while I;m awake so everything is sadfe.
I went to Frankie's grave and a tear didd roll down my face but it's still not rea;. I wish it would just becoome real so I could start to deal wiht it. But no. I laid flowers and read the message I sent her last but didn't peroperlu that is dsomething I need to do. I need to accept shes fone but it's too devastating to face.
I don't know anbout the musical I don't know about it yet. She shouuld have been a part of it and she won't be and I don;t know if I could face that.
I miss her obviously, but I do remember thw funny and good times that we shared together. But I won't let myself believe that shes dead yet so it;s not real.
I'm drunk, I shouldn't be, but that is how I'm coping right now. Muy freind got me sweets and chocolate for chritsmas. Worst thing ever for a Bulimic. I'm kind og angry she obviously doesn't understand how much that stuff triggers me.
'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥
I can understand how frustrating it must be to not fully believe or accept what's happened. I think that you sound like you're moving towards believing it; they way you write about her now is different to how it was. But equally, it is a protective thing; you need to take your own time with it.
It sounds really stressful with your friend at the moment. You are so lovely, and it's great that you're being so supportive but please please remember to look after yourself first. Would it be worth talking to her about how much you can actually do, and what she might need to turn to other people for?
I'm sending you lots of love and hugs. Always here if there's anything at all I can do xxxx
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
I think I'm starting like you say towards beginning to accept the fact the she is dead. But it's still not real.
I'm scared to ta;l to her about what I can cope with for fear that she will not feel she is able to go to anyone for help. I don't think I could could cope with her ending up like Frankie, that would literally kill me.
She knoes she has her CPN and staff where she live to go to, but it's a trust thing.
I shouldn't have got drunk, I really shuoildn;t have. I want to cut. I want her to go away and leave me to it. I'm such a horrible person.
'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥
You are NOT a horrible person. You are a lovely, kind, caring, amazing person who happens to be struggling right now. That is nothing to be ashamed of! I'm sorry that you're feeling like you want to cut though; is there anything that might help keep you safe, or would you be able to get some sleep?
Does your friend know that you're struggling too, in general I mean? Maybe if you could let her know that you're having a hard time, she might realise that talking to other people as well might be a good plan. xx
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
It sounds like things are really intense for you. What's brought this on for you tonight? What thoughts/feelings are behind it?
It can be so frustrating when you don't want to feel/act/be like this any more but you are.
Well done for staying safe while you friend was there and going to vol work; that's a really positive thing to do. How did you feel when you'd finished it?
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
It makes sense lovely. How are you doing now? So proud of you for all the positive things you are doing xx
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
Hey Amy,
I'm sorry things have been rely hard for you :(, but you're doing so well. You've managed to keep yourself safe and you're fighting everything you're feeling. It sounds like you could do with some extra support at the moment... After Christmas; when will you be seeing anyone from your team? Would you benefit working with HTT just over the holidays? It may help speaking to people when you need to especially to prevent you from acting on your urges? You're doing so well Hun. I'm always here if you want to talk xxx
Ballerina123 - My lovely superstar
Call me R -
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time - Abraham Lincoln
Thank you lovelys for replying it means a lot to me.
I managed to get through last night safely, thankfully.
I don't know if I can face going in to vol work today, the markets are on in town and it will be rammed. Plus I'm fucking huge right now, or feel like I am.
I now have a date in mind, new years eve. That is a really bad thing. I'm going to talk to my CC about it on tuesday. See if I can have a planned admission for that day and the day after. I don't want to die but I know I'll get all irrational at the time, and just want the pain to go away. New years a hard time of year for me anyway, I've always hated it and done bad things to get through it.
I know though if I'm on my own I will act on it and it will happen, and right now I don't want it to. It's like theres two parts of me. It's confusing.
'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥
I just hope I have the balls to say something, I really do.
I don't really want to go into hospital but if I don't I know I'll do something potentially life threatening which is not truly what I want in the long term.
I just hope that they let me. Do you guys think they will? or is it a stupid thing to ask for?
'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥
Welcome.
Good, yes planning out on what to say will help you a lot.
Oh dear Ames, I don't know what to say..
*hugs*
I don't think they'll say no, all they want is for you to be safe, it's better asking than not knowing and acting on them when you said yourself you don't want to die.
Trust is like a hurricane.
Never give up.
Never say never.
Live life to the fullest.
Keep smiling.
