(I'm hoping that I'm posting this in an appropriate place)
My name is Warren. I am a 27 years old, born in Alberta, Canada. I just recently found out that the man whom I had been believed to be my father after 27 years, is not. The man whom I thought was my father is a good man, decent, honest and dedicated. He hadsuspicions from the start, when I was born.
It had been weighing on his conscious for a long time, so he finally came to me with it. We had a DNA test done, it was confirmed that he is not my biological father.
At this point, I don't know what to think. He will always be my Dad, as well as, my brother and sister will always be. But, now I'm having a hard time with my mother. If she's lied to me, to us, what else is she lying about? How can I trust her? And, do I confront her with this?
To be honest, she's an alcoholic abuser whom I'm worried about, that if I tell her this, will it send her over the edge?
And, for myself? Where do I go from here? I, I just don't know...
First of all, I just want to say that I understand how big of a deal this must be for you. It must have been a huge shock for you. Secondly, I want you to know that your life doesn't have to change. My father is not my biological father - my mother married him when I was very young and I've grown up with him my whole life, and he's never treated me any differently than he does his own biological children. Like you've said yourself, regardless of biology, this man will always be your father and you need to keep reassuring each other of this - not only does he need to support you, but you need to reassure him that you still love him and do not want your relationship to change. He obviously cares about you so much that, despite how hurt he must have been feeling, he felt you had the right to know and wanted to help you find out the truth, and that's a huge deal.
In regards to your mother, I think you need to bear in mind that this was a long time ago. You don't know the circumstances of what happened and so, as hard as it must be, try not to make any judgments before you've heard her side of the story. You need to sit down with her and your father and talk about this so that everyone understands exactly what happened, and you can then get the answers that you need. I think if you try to approach it in a calm non-accusatory way, there's no reason why this has to tip your mother over the edge. If you do think she is vulnerable then just keep this in mind and tread as carefully as possible. I do, however, think it is important that you discuss it, otherwise you're always going to have this doubt in the back of your mind and, naturally, the questions you have about your biological father and this may cause rifts in your relationship with your mother if you attempt to ignore it. Honesty is the best policy. It's not going to be an easy conversation and it will feel awkward and horrible, especially at the beginning, but I do believe that it is necessary. Once you've had this discussion, you can start making the important decisions about your future.
Take care.
I wanted to remember this forever, you, us. I wanted to remember this and I was scared I wouldn’t, so I took a knife and I carved you into my arm and at night I’d put it under my head to keep you close. Your heartbeat next to mine, your name against my eyes. I carved you into my skin so you’d never leave and now I can’t get rid of you no matter how hard I try.
Thank you for your generous & helpful message. Your right, in that I do need to sit down with both and have a heart to heart discussion. That way, both sides will be heard and possibly some questions will be answered. It is and will be tough. But, it's something I'm going to have to do.
