I "started" recovery several years ago, after being hospitalized at a really really young age for it, but didn't really start actually trying until about 2-ish years ago. things were really hard at first, and I slipped back a few times, but it got easier the longer I was in recovery, and the slips backs were farther apart and less intense.
a couple of months ago my grandfather made a joke about my weight, and my mom just laughed at what he said, and by proxy at me. for some reason that got under my skin. both of them know I've struggled so much with AN and BN in the past, but still made the joke.
now it's harder to eat, and harder to keep food down. I can't eat unless I can read, guess, or calculate the numbers of anything I eat. it feels the way it felt when I wasn't really trying to recover, just cover it up. part of me feels guilty about it, but another way louder part of me wants to continue to get worse.
I'm worried that it won't go away until it gets severe again, i don't want it to get that bad. My brain doesn't really like my body, and my body doesn't like my brain, and it feels like the two of them are just trying to ruin my life. I don't know how to(or if I even should) bring this up to my therapist because she's going to tell my mom, and my mom will just get mad and nothing will change.
I don't really want to feel like this but I'm not sure what to do.
" I am lost without you here and outside it looks like rain."
why would the therapist have to tell your mom? not saying we don't believe you, because we do and we understand why that is problematic. but would it be worth trying to find or access different support that maybe doesn't have direct contact with your mother?
one of the things we really struggled with and often still do is trying to figure out how to take care of our body as best we can until we are able to make the physical changes we need, like surgeries etc.. we actually got turned away from getting hrt when our ed was really bad, and so trying to stabalize things a bit in order to access t at the time was really good motivation for us. is there any way to reframe it in your own mind? to saying i need to take care of the body i currently have in order to be able to change things later on? it's okay if not. just something that we've been told and thought it might be worth bringing up.
also could look into some of the resources by fedup collective (formerly trans folx fighting eds) and see if any of them are helpful. they used to have more virtual options than they seem to now but it's still a resource we do like to suggest. https://fedupcollective.org/
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Camden I don't know if that has a bearing but in other posts the OP has said they are under 18. So they are a minor so that may explain why their therapist may be required to inform the OP's mom.
Last edited by not_so_insig : 09-01-2024 at 12:01 AM.
Wannabe CPN : -)
"He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life." - Homer Simpson "I hear those voices that will not be drowned" Sanity is a nasty disease. The world would be a happier place without it. - Rilic
RIP Kat 4th July 1987- 11th June 2013
Yes, that's my confusion though Dawn. Confidentiality, at least in the US, still holds for minors unless there is imminent risk to self or others, or abuse.
That doesn't mean all therapists will abide by this, thus asking. ED behaviors wouldn't be classified as imminent risk unless they are life threatening.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Wannabe CPN : -)
"He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life." - Homer Simpson "I hear those voices that will not be drowned" Sanity is a nasty disease. The world would be a happier place without it. - Rilic
RIP Kat 4th July 1987- 11th June 2013
every time I've told a therapist anything to do with physical health at all they've always told my mother. I am under 18 and given my other issues (and the visible damage from those other issues) it's always taken as "Oh this kid will keel over any second better tell mom". it doesn't help that with any eating issues my slides tend to be pretty severe and border on safety issues. also, the state I live in is awful in terms of confidentiality for minors, it's practically non-existent.
I've tried the rephrasing thing in the past and it helped back then, but it's sort of slowly becoming less and less helpful. I'm still trying my best to think about the future with that kind of thing so it is helping a bit.
" I am lost without you here and outside it looks like rain."
that's totally valid. we were unsure if that is what you meant or not. thanks for explaining. really sorry you have to deal with that. would trying to find a therapist who is more versed in chronic illness and disability be an option? they might be less likely to freak out and more willing to stick to confidentiality?
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Unfortunately my town is very limited in therapist, and I'm very limited in what my insurance will cover. I haven't been with my current therapist long enough to see how they are with confidentiality, but the fear is still there and very real.
" I am lost without you here and outside it looks like rain."
yes absolutely. we were not trying to suggest it wasn't. only just trying to understand your situation. sorry if we implied otherwise.
most therapists do offer virtual options these days, if that is an option you'd be willing or able to consider. we were able to access a lot of other therapists because of this, because it means we can broaden our search to be state wide instead of just locally. that said. we get that fear of the unknown can sometimes be worse than sticking with what you know, even if it is not ideal.
are looking into getting a dietician and/or medical monitoring options? or do the risks with confidentiality apply to those as well?
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I did have a dietitian at one point, but because of my mom not telling them I was sick and forcing me to have a no call no show I was dropped. I honestly was to go back to that recovery clinic hut I don't know how to even start that process because I need my legal gardians to help and none of them belive that I still have eating issues (or ever had them in the first place). I'm not sure if its possible for me to attempt to get back into that recovery center on my own, I'm not sure where id start the process.
" I am lost without you here and outside it looks like rain."
the first step might just be contacting them yourself and asking for advice and/or asking if there is a way to get around the guardian component?
is there anything from previous treatment or support you've gotten you can reuse? like tips, previous meal plans, schedules, etc.?
edit to add: don't know if you are familiar with the concept of harm reduction in general, but we have found a lot of good resources on harm reduction specifically in reference to eating disorders in some groups we are in. so could be something to look into and think about for yourself as well.
Last edited by Auror. : 11-01-2024 at 06:36 AM.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
harm reduction didn't even cross my mind. I know one group of people I know had a lot of people recovering from these kinds of issues too, so I will try to ask them if there's anything they do to avoid/cope with slips like this. despite being in recovery for so long, I never really picked up any of that myself.
I appreciate the advice, thank you.
" I am lost without you here and outside it looks like rain."
