Hi there..
ehm, I don't really know what's going on in my mind at the moment and if that, what I'm going to post now, is just a stupid thing my mind does to me because I can't remember that I've ever had memories of what I'm about to write... It's just all appeared during the last few weeks and I'm a bit scared...
I've always thought that I wasn't abused in my childhood or at any other time than that night almost two years ago... I was 18 to that time and went home from a party in the early morning hours. Well, that was the night when I was raped by a neighbour...
Now, I'm in a relationship and it's been the first one since that day.
Maybe some of you read the other thread about the problems my boyfriend and me are having at the moment and I'm not sure if that's one of the reasons why my mind seems to be absolutely crazy and is playing funny things with me...
Ok... from time to time I have kind of flashbacks but I'm not sure if I'm seeing "real" things then or just things which I think they might have happened.
When I was younger (maybe 10, 11 or 12), I can't say exactly how old I was, it was right after I left primary school and went to High School. My best friend to that time, who also lived in my street, was at another school but still we met each other at least 3 or 4 times a week. We used to play computer games and stuff like that, but one day, he brought a teenie magazine which contained also sexual stuff. It was the time when kids usually discover sexuality and stuff.
Anyway... I remember that it was the time when I first got my period and while we were talking about the things we just had read in the magazine he asked me if I already have "it". Well yeah, I don't even know why I told him.. but he was really interested and wanted me to prove it. He wanted me to show him. I said no but he pulled my pants down and he said wow you must be wet... He said he knew it should feel better if a woman is not wet because then it's more intense if someone touches her. He said he saw a porn and knew it from that movie. I didn't know what to say but the stupid thing was, that I wasn't even scared of what he said. In fact, I was interested in watching a porn movie. The next time we met we downloaded some short movies from the internet and watched them together. Later on, we played Monopoly but not that kind of Monopoly how everyone would play it. He wanted to have a very "special" one. So wrote some other things on the cards and you couldn't buy streets with money but with "sexual activites" like touching my breasts, pulling clothes off or stripping. Yeah even touching each other and stuff. When one of us had to go to prison, we could only get out through masturbation.
When we got used to those games, it got stranger and stranger. I think I didn't find it strange, it had already become normal (??!!). When I was at his place or he was at mine, we didn't give each other a hug or said hello, we gave each other blow jobs or hand jobs...
I remember that I always felt disgusted afterwards and I was always happy when he left or when I had to go home but still, a few days later or even only the next day, I missed those experiences and wanted to see him again. At the beginning I was always curious about what would happen, but then I always felt like it was something really really bad and I wanted him to stop but he never stopped. He said it was the kind of experiences young people do and I thought he was right. It was the same what I read in the magazine...
Am I allowed to feel the way I do? I mean I feel horrible now, and disgusted and embarrassed and I'm not even sure if I can feel like that. I mean he did nothing wrong, didn't he? Everyone should make experiences and I didn't feel reluctant I never did when I knew he would come or I would go to him. But when the time had come to actually do the things I felt awkward and didn't want it to happen. I'm sure I didn't want it.
Hmm.. that was the thing which gives me the most strangest feeling, but there are still two other things...
When I was 14, I had my first boyfriend. I actually don't even count him as a boyfriend because you can't really name that a "relationship"... We met through a chat room and we didn't live far away from each other. Still, we met only once because I didn't (and I still don't) want people to come to my home because of my parents, but that's another story. Also, my parents didn't allow me to visit him.
When we met we talked a lot and I remember that I was quite shy at the beginning but when he started kissing me I felt pretty much the same way I did when my ex best friend and I did those things a few years before that. We kissed a lot, he was laying on me the whole time, I could feel his erection and he pressed hardly against me... I didn't feel comfortable but I wasn't able to say something. I thought it would be over soon because I didn't move at all and I was sure that he would stop if I didn't react. But he didn't stop, he kept kissing me, he touched my breasts, he kissed my neck, licked my ear and I felt so disgusting. He didn't stop until he had an orgasm. The way he was breathing and moaning when he came it is in my head. It hasn't been in there ever but why now?
I don't even know why I feel so bad, we were not naked, we had all our clothes on and it was absolutely different to what I know now about Sex.
A short time after that day, he broke up because he "couldn't cope with the distance"
I actually didn't feel anything about that, I'm sure I hadn't felt anything about him, I just wanted to have boyfriend I think... Because everyone made fun of me for not having a boyfriend
When I was 15, I had my first "real" boyfriend but I think this wasn't such a good relationship either. We'd known each other for years, we went to the same guitar lessons and he was in the same class with me.
I told him right before Christmas how I felt about him but we didn't became a couple until August the following year. We started meeting each other in June or July. We already had made sexual experiences before we became a couple. The only thing we hadn't done so far was sleeping with each other. About 2 weeks after we officially became a couple, he wanted to have sex with me. I was not ready for that but he wasn't stupid and everytime we did something else like when he used his fingers and I was right before an orgasm he jumped on top off me and tried to enter me. He said there was not much difference between a penis and a finger and I shouldn't be like that... He nearly begged me to allow him to enter me but I really feared to be pregnant. I said no but he said he knew when he was coming and there would be nothing to fear about. I did not want him to do that but he didn't stop and he came in me and said well, there's nothing to fear, I just have to buy the morning-after pill. He didn't even give me money for that.
Later on, he said he was sorry if he pressured me it's just that he really loved me and found me so sexy that he had to do it and he really really hoped that I wouldn't break up.
I didn't. Until I was a wreck... We were a couple for a about four months but I never felt like sleeping with him but still we slept almost every day with each other. He even wanted to do it when we had lunch break at school.
When I broke up I felt free. I felt really good. And for some reason, all that stuff didn't seem to affect my next relationship which began 2 weeks after I broke up with that guy. We were a couple for years until the last time I was raped.
Hmm.. I don't really know what I want to hear now... It's just strange, I haven't been thinking about all that stuff for years. The only incident which seemed to affect me was when I was raped 2 years ago. Why has it come back now? I feel a lot more like I didn't deserve anything and it really influences everything now. But why? Is it really possible to forget everything?
Because at the moment I can't even say if I just had forgotten all that stuff or if I'm just so weak at the moment that it feels like it destroys me?
I don't know why I'm posting this here, I don't know if it makes sense and I don't know if I'm really insane now.
Is there anything to say about?
Maybe some support?
Please?
