I am in a dark place right now. I used to post here many years ago, but I can't for the life of me remember my username! I was five years sober back in January, after finally cutting drink and drugs from my life. I began using them as a kid to escape and forget the sexual abuse I was subjected to from a family member over many years. After rehab, I began to get my life back on track, and began to feel good again, but lately I feel like i'm reverting back to the kid I was back then before I started it all. It's like there's unfinished business, and the child inside me is screaming out to be recognised again.
I was put on prozac at 15, and this combined with the drinking just stopped me from developig any kind of emotional growth or resilience, and now my brain is free from any kind of chemical assistance, it's like it's beginning to revert back to my scared, childhood self. It's so confusing. The hurt, the confusion, the want to hurt myself... it's like I expect to look in the mirror and see that kid staring back at me again.
I felt the need to come back here. I always found this place and the old trapped minds forum my real safe place. I even found my old livejournal and read through some of the posts, and I can still relate to the feelings I had. Things like reddit and facebook just aren't for me... i feel like places like these are really for the people that need them, and you won't get the trolls and bullying types around here.
I'm a father and a husband now, and I feel ashamed to feel like this. Especially the thoughts of self harm. I just don't know how I'm supposed to feel... I thought I was okay for a minute there. Getting sober has improved my life tenfold, but recently my inner child has just grabbed me and said "please don't forget me." I can't really talk to family or peers about this. So... I came here.
I hope this makes even a small bit of sense. Thank you for reading, and for even being here. I mean that sincerely.
Welcome back, though I'm sorry it's a difficult patch in life that's brought you back here. Well done on five years sober, that's just amazing, what an achievement! I don't think you need to feel ashamed at all to be struggling and it's great that you're reaching out for help and also that you've clearly been thinking about it a lot to try to unpick where this wobble is coming from.
Did you get any kind of trauma therapy while you were in rehab (or elsewhere!) - maybe that's something that could be worth exploring to help you process what you went through as a child and find some inner peace alongside that inner child?
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I did indeed have some counselling whilst I was in rehab. I've been having counselling since my early teens, but once many of them discovered I was coping by using alcohol or anything else, they seemed to back off considerably.
The therapy in the rehab helped me to somewhat forgive myself for the self-hatred I was dishing out. It helped me realise the things that happened weren't my fault. I did find some inner peace, which was magnified somewhat by the newfound sense of calm brought about by my lengthiest period of abstinence in a long time.
They say often in recovery that the good thing about it is that you get your feelings back again, but also that the worst part about it is that you get your feelings back again! I'm finding out the latter part of this saying more recently. I feel like I'm regressing to the emotional and mental states I was in before I ever started using drink/drugs. A scared, fragile and abused/bullied kid. I just want to cry all the time, and I'm not much of a tearful person usually. I've had urges to cut recently despite not even thinking of doing it in many years. I've got the concerns I had back then returning, ones of self-image, what people think of me, etc. It's just a returning tidal wave of the blackest, darkest thought, and it's come on so suddenly and unexpectedly.
I feel like I can't talk to my family or friends about it lest I worry them, or they think I'm going through some kind of crisis. I just want to be alone. I feel so undeserving of the good things in my life and I feel like a fraud and a failure.
what you are describing re being stuck emotionally/mentally at a younger age makes a lot of sense to us, and from what we understand, it is probably more common than you think. it's just not something talked about a lot.
are you getting any type of support now? are you still in counselling? it must be really hard to not be able to talk about any of this with the humans you are closest to. is there any part of what is going on that would be safe to share? not necessarily saying you need to reveal everything, but maybe there is part of it that would feel safer to bring up than the rest? just to kind of test how the responses go so to speak. those of us on here could always try to help with brainstorming or proofreading things if you wanted to go that route and it would help to have something written up to go off of.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Thank you. Yes, I imagine you're right. I suppose it's taken me by surprise as I spent quite a while believing I had come to terms with my past, but in essence what I've done is cast aside some of the bad ways I was coping with it, rather than the actual issues themselves, and now some of that has come home to roost.
I'm not in any kind of therapy at the moment. I have been in counselling on and off for most of my life, but a lot of what I've learnt outside of simply talking and venting has been through getting sober. So right now I'm, as you say, simply putting it out there to the world (well you nice people on here mostly, sorry!) and seeing how this works for a while. At the very least it's stopping me from bottling it all up. Right now I'm journalling in the vent sub-forum and seeing how I get on.
I don't really feel ready to share a lot of this with people offline, at least not yet. Especially the SI (and urges). Every so often my wife will notice my scars again, and will ask to look at them and just cry. It hurts her that I ever felt the need to do that. Her knowing what I did last night would probably hurt her more than it hurt me doing it, although I expect she'd understand eventually.
I'm just taking it a day at a time at the moment. Thanks again for reaching out to me.
Saw your RV and that you were thinking about SI because you are somewhere there is no-one to talk you out of it. Would you like us to try and talk you out of it?
Will respect your choice of answer is no but wanted to offer.
Thank you, I really appreciate it. To be honest, both unfortunately and thankfully, it looks like it's going to be a busy night, so I may well be too distracted anyway! By the time I finish I may well be passing out to sleep.
I hope you are ok. Don't hesitate to post if you need some support. R/V can help but sometimes you need a response. It might not be a quick response sometimes but we care.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Thank you both. It was a busy night, but there was a moment when i was lying awake where my head went a bit dark. Thankfully, I just did my best to distract myself so I could just get whatever sleep I could before I let it take over completely.
I appreciate your messages. I'll do my best to reach out. Part of these feelings is the overwhelming sense that I'm burdensome to everyone so it will take effort on my part! I find it easier to just vent sometimes. Thank you again.
Well done for managing to get through the darkness. You are not a burden at all but can understand how it feels to believe that. Do what helps you. Posting here or r/v or having a general chat etc.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
