I don't mean to be alarmist but sometimes the truth can be scary.
This basically happened to me. When I was younger about 19/20/21 - collapsed, dizzy/sick, low electrolytes, hospital, radioactive drip
A few weeks after that I was diagnosed with SVT (now IST) Turns out eating disorders on top of damage already done from previous overdoses (as with you) is really really bad for your heart.
I've been fully recovered for about 8 years now, but I still have to take beta blockers daily and I had to have a surgical ablation of the damaged pathways in my heart a few years ago because my pulse was shooting up to 200+ and wouldn't revert without adenosine restarting my heart.
I hope it's not wrong of me to share this story.
I just know how easy it is when you're ill and your brain is too malnourished to function to forget about next week or month or year. The damage is being done now, even if you don't see the effects yet.
I appreciate you sharing your story, and I'm sorry you went through that.
That does sound terrifying. I do worry about my heart doing things, especially since my dad died of ischaemic heart disease that not even he knew about.
It is definitely really easy to forget about the future, especially when all you think that matters in the future is being thin. Which is stupid.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Psychiatrist has just been and she's putting in an application for a MHAA
She did stress that they may not agree to do one or agree to section me, but in my extensive experience, they usually do. I do not have time for this. So now I'm going to spend all day waiting for a phone call.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Will you definitely get a call today? I know it's scary and you feel like it would be interfering with your plans etc but you really need some proper support to hopefully work towards getting on with your life without all these setbacks.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I don't know. It depends if they agree i need an assessment at all, so i might not.
Years of eating issues are not going to be fixed with a random admission to an acute psych ward.
I could literally lose my job if i took more extended time off sick, as they have exhausted reasonable adjustments.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
A stepping stone to what?
I've already been referred to the ED team again, who i doubt will even take the referral.
All an acute ward is going to do is hold me there and blackmail me into eating regularly while i sit and rot in a dark room for however long they feel like keeping me there. Meanwhile, the guinea pigs are left alone, L is upset, she really struggled when i was in hospital last time, and i potentially lose my job.
There is absolutely NO part of that that has any benefit to my life.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
it keeps you alive though. which on your own might not occur. don't disagree with you, but the thing is, you literally have to eat. and it sounds like if blackmailing you into eating is the only way for that to occur, it is something they are considering.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
to be honest beckie, the fact that you haven't seemed to grasp the seriousness of the situation at all, or the fact that eating is like, you know, a necessary thing that must occur, is why a couple of us on here have said it doesn't sound like you have capacity. so it's possible that they are noticing that too.
i know our countries are different, but i was psych held for a similar thing. that due to the medical complications of the ED, you can't have capacity to clearly understand what's happening or take care of yourself.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
True
I never grasp the seriousness of things. I really wish i could, but i just can't. I don't know why. I think because I've nearly died so many times, that the 'high chance of death' thing has lost all meaning.
Turns out i was admitted to hospital for refeeding syndrome on the weekend. That's why my electrolytes went weird.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Just have a minute so do forgive me if this is a bit of a jumbled reply but I did feel the need to share a bit of my experience in case it's helpful.
My last admission for my eating disorder was to a pysch ward, I'd been admitted to ED units a lot and they weren't helpful... like not in the slightest. So I was admitted to the general psych ward to refeed and get medically stable. I was discharged pretty quickly after that, despite my team wanting me to stay for whatever reason. I agree it wasn't the best place, but it was a good enough place for doing that (physically getting well). I did have therapy weekly though, like I would have at the EDU. Therapy wasn't that helpful then either but that's beside the point.
Anyway, I'm saying this because I actually had the best outcome after being admitted there (I haven't had a ED admission since) and I hadn't been admitted to the pysch hospital for my ED, ever. It was helpful because I was well physically afterwards and while there, there wasn't any ED competition going on between patients and I found it was less structured and food-focused. Once out the real work began to keep myself well which I believe I was in a much better place to do because physically I was stable etc.
Just wanted to say to maybe not write it off straight away as being pointless. I mean, it's not ideal!! but please don't underestimate the effect of being physically stable. It makes working in therapy etc etc a lot easier.
I'm glad you managed to have a positive experience
There are never any psychologists on the wards. And if there are, they run a group or two a week.
I find the food situation in hospital absolutely awful.
I was actually very lucky i was only on the 11 bed ward when i was in for the ED in December, and that the ward was pretty chill, because no way in hell would the 18 bed or 20 bed ward have been able to spare 2 staff to take me to the shop to get acceptable food. Beds on that particular ward are like gold dust and everyone wants to go there.
And they let me eat in my room.
The dining rooms are small and loud and there's always a massive queue and they only order literally 4 sandwiches despite having 18/20 patients so if you don't queue early, you're not getting one. Everything is stodgy and heavy and I'm getting panicky thinking about it.
Ordering groceries is one idea but again, depends on the ward. On the bigger ones, there is a communal patient fridge. As you can imagine, nothing is respected. There are no other places to keep food.
I know it sounds like I'm making up excuses, but acute wards, literally every time i have been in one, i have dreaded the food situation. Even pre-ED.
And if i don't eat, i get staff saying they wish i had my willpower. A lot of comments like that.
It is absolute hell on earth
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
we can absolutely empathise with you and we get why hospital and the food situation there is awful. but if it comes down to that or death, then it might unfortunately be the only option you are given and it sounds like it may not even be optional.
we very much wish there was a better or different option for you, but we aren't getting the sense that there really is.
your ed has taken so much from you, and you aren't being properly supported. it isn't fair and it isn't right. but your life as is is not really a life. so yes, we get you have things that would get messed up more in hospital. but really your ed has done a pretty good job of messing them up already.
at least hospital would be a temporary awful that would maybe start things on the path to being less awful and getting able to get some of your life back. because without some type of intervention, we don't see how else that will happen.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I know something needs to happen
And i did want something to be done because i wasn't going to be able to do it, but now it's more of a possibility, I'm panicking and remembering how horrible hospital is.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
I understand that conflict. I know it's not really the same but I feel it too when I'm going to be admitted, that I need help but don't want the horrible parts of hospital. If you are admitted I really hope there will be enough helpful parts.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I haven't heard anything yet so they may well have rejected the referral.
I do think the psych exaggerates a bit.
She said with the sodium levels that she would have put me straight in intensive care if it was her?? Like that is just a massive overreaction. So maybe the MHA people think she's just a bit overzealous, as i do.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
It is super stressful.
I called the cmht again. He said to give him a few minutes. The list is apparently quite long for duty, obviously they close soon and will be closed until Tuesday.
Hopefully he will actually call soon. It doesn't even need to be duty, just anyone that can open my notes! Someone must know what's happening!!
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
kind of doubt the psych was overreacting given they have a medical degree. what happened WAS extremely serious. you could have died. don't know about the intensive care part but it's very serious to need to spend multiple days in hospital getting medical treatment.
you're still the one underreacting. uncertainty sucks so hope you were able to find something out.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
