The only thing I’ve ever been good at is being a complete and total screwup. I’m a failure in every sense of the word. Relationships, jobs, family connections, friendships, the basics of day-to-day life! You name it! I’ve failed at it! I have nothing going for me and I never will. I’m not even really upset about at this point. I decided to stop fighting and just accept it. I am what I am and it’s what I always will be. I don’t even want to kill myself because I know I will just screw that up too. Though that option still is on the table and I may still do that at some future date but that is another discussion for another time. Right now I’m trying to make a living. I’m trying to erase over 35 years of being an absolute zero!
I honestly cannot emphasize just how good I am at screwing things up. It?s honestly a talent of mine, the only talent I have! If only there was a way to make a living doing it. And so I ask, how does one make a living as a screwup? There’s gotta be a way one can turn a profit by being a failure!
Any ideas? Right now I’m just alive when I really shouldn’t be. I’m a waste of space and using up air and resources from other people who have a purpose in life and aren’t complete screwups like I am. I honestly feel guilty even existing right now. I’m trying not to feel this way and I’m trying to get myself a purpose.
What can I do with my life when all I am is a professional screwup and a failure?
Last edited by CaptainB2 : 12-11-2023 at 09:24 PM.
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
Sorry you still feel this way about yourself. Do you need/want to work right now? I think some serious 'work' is needing to be done on feeling more confident in yourself and changing some of your beliefs and finding things you enjoy and are good at. Sorry this doesn't really answer your question.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Well, I do have a job right now I just don’t know for how much longer. Like I said, I’m constantly screwing things up at it and I think it’s only a matter time before I’m let go. I also have a performance gug for the holidays so maybe they can bring me some joy and confidence?
And don’t worry if your response didn’t technically answer the question. I realize it was a rather strange unusual question to be in asking in the first place. I’m honestly just grateful for any response I can get!
What kind of “work” do you think needs to be done?
Last edited by CaptainB2 : 16-11-2023 at 01:53 PM.
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
How long have you had your job? Having a job must mean that you are at least ok at it. But if it's not enjoyable then maybe there is something better that you could look into. Is there anything you enjoy? I just think if you could view yourself less negatively you would see more of your strengths, and that is hard to do on your own.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I’ve had my current job almost a year. That sounds good but like I said I have no idea how long they will keep me. I’ve been fired for less in the past.
I also had a Halloween gig and now a Christmas gig. So, I guess those are 2 things I haven’t failed at….yet.
I honestly just don’t know how to not feel this way. I’m just so alone with nothing and nobody and I have no one to blame but myself!
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
I think at the moment it’s best for me to do what I can to try to make my current job work. It’s exhausting changing jobs all the time. I’ve been through 4 jobs in 5 years and that’s had enough of an effect on me. I’m worried that doing something like temp work would be a little too mentally exhausting. I’m kinda a “devil I know” vs. “devil I don’t know” kinda guy. It’s been a few days since my original post, and the work incident that prompted it may not turn out as bad as I originally thought. I think it’s safe to say this point I won’t be fired for it. Long story short, I work as a paint salesman, and I caused a can of floor coating to explode in one of our machines permanently, damaging it costing the company on more money than I even know. BUT if I was going to be fired for it, I would likely would’ve been fired already, so I think I’m safe for the moment.
I do appreciate the suggestion. I will definitely keep temp work in mind if things don’t work out.
I’m not as concerned about my failures in the work world as I am my failures in other aspects of life like relationships and connections with other people. To me, that’s a much bigger deal than work and money even though I realize my original post seems to be saying the opposite. Keep in mind again that was made immediately after a major accident at work. But really, my real concern of being a screwup and failure is how much I fail and screw up relationships with other people. i’m just so alone and can’t do anything about it!
Last edited by CaptainB2 : 17-11-2023 at 01:37 PM.
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
I can understand why that incident would have triggered your post. I hope everything is ok. I can also understand the alone feeling. How do you get on with the people you work with? Who have you tried to connect with in the past? Maybe you've just not met the right people or you have difficulties that other people need to take into account when you are communicating with them.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I’m sorry for the delayed response. I’m obviously not doing so well and in the last few days I simply didn’t have the spoons to reply.
As for the people at my work, I don’t really know them on a personal level and I prefer to keep it that way. I’m VERY adamant about keeping my work life and personal life separate. As has already been well established, I’m a complete failure at both so the last thing I want is to combine the 2! I know they all think I’m a total screw-up, they’ve told me so in so many words.
As for the people I’ve tried to connect with in the past, I’m honestly not even sure where to begin with all the friendships, relationships, and connections I’ve destroyed! Maybe in some cases it may have been a case of not meeting the right people but what are the odds that every failed connection in the last couple decades are so was a matter of not meeting the right person? I’m the only common denominator. Honestly, at this point, if my dog wasn’t on a leash I’m sure he’d leave me!
Some people in this world are just meant to be alone.
Some people in this world are just failures and screw-ups. Some people just aren’t meant to be happy! All of that applies to me. Like I said, I’ve decided to accept it and stop fighting it. The problem is I don’t actually know what to DO about it!
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
Feeling worse than ever now. My birthday was last week. I hate my birthday! In fact, I haven’t even celebrated it in over a decade. Just another reminder of what a failure I truly am. One year older and once again, still nothing to show for it. It’s been over 36 years of failures and screw ups at this point!
I don’t think I want to have a 37th birthday….
I don’t even deserve one. I don’t even deserve to be alive!
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
Screwed up at work again. I’m almost positive I’ll be fired this time. I don’t know how much longer I have. Just another screwup, I can add to my ever growing list of screw ups! I’ve still got no social life or personal life to speak of. Why am I even here? I shouldn’t be! I should’ve died a long time ago! I never should’ve been born. My entire existence is just one big giant mistake! The world truly would be a much better place without me in it!
I simply don’t deserve to be alive! Why can’t I just die?!
Last edited by CaptainB2 : 14-01-2024 at 07:19 PM.
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
At this point, I have nothing and nobody. I’ve got no friends no family and about to have no job! I’ve got no one to blame but myself for all of that!
I am beyond desperate for this feeling to end!
I’m all alone in this world and I serve no purpose whatsoever! I just can’t do this anymore!
Last edited by CaptainB2 : 11-01-2024 at 03:58 AM.
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
Well, by some miracle I didn’t get fired. The assistant manager wanted to fire me, but the store manager who outranks him decided not to. So I guess at the moment I do still have my job I just don’t know for how much longer before I screw up again. I wish I could say I felt better but that would be a lie.
I still hate myself and think I don’t deserve to live. I’m still more alone than I’ve ever been! I’m not sure about my future or if I even want to have a future.
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
I just want some sort of feeling and assurance that I belong in this world. I want to serve some kinda purpose. I don’t just want to be a spoke on a wheel. I want to know that if I die tomorrow, it would leave some kinda void in the world. I want to be missed!
I want some semblance of a social life! I want SOMEONE to give a crap about me! God forbid, maybe even have someone LOVE me! I realize that may be asking too much.
I guess I just want a moderate amount of success, a purpose, and to not be so alone. Not to keep harping but I cannot emphasize just how alone I am! I hate it and don’t know how much longer I can take it. I just want the basics….
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
To answer your very last question, the only things in my life I feel good about are my acting gigs for both Halloween and Christmas. As much as I love them, they are, by their very nature, only seasonal.
It’s one of the many reasons January is such a rough month for me. I go from one gig to the other then experience a huge crash and it’ll be super long before those gigs roll around again. They’re not even guaranteed every year…
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
It does sound like you have some good things, which is important.
Also would like to challenge you a bit. Re the things you want about mattering to people, being missed, etc.. What would those things look like to you? What would indicators that you have those be? Just curious if you may actually have that, at least to some degree, and just not realise or not notice? How would you know if you did?
Social connection sounds really important to you. Also just wonder, is the way you interact on here the same way you interact irl? Because if so, could also see why maybe you struggle. There is nothing wrong with wanting connection, attention, etc.. But you tend to jump to really big conclusions, re nothing mattering, you don't matter, etc. really easily. And could see how having big emotions and big reactions like that might be offputting to others.
Not trying to imply judgement, just saying this as more of an observation of the way and type of things you post. This is something we also struggle with, and it's also something we are still trying to learn to work on in terms of trying to interact with other humans in ways that are more appropriate. And working on trying to find ways to let our feelings out to be able to manage those big reactions safely so that by time we do interact with others they are much more appropriate. This isn't saying having those feeling is wrong - just that trying to find different ways to manage them and express them, especially if this is something that also impacts you day to day, could be worth thinking about.
That said, if the way you interact with others irl is different to here, curious what makes those situations and your interactions different?
What other things are you involved in to get social connection? Agree with one step closer that maybe looking into some type of acting year round, even if it's just local theater or stuff that is unpaid could be something fun for you, and a really cool hobby and way to meet people.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
OK, let me try to answer the questions from the last two posts to the best of my ability.
Irl, do I interact the same way as I do on here? Absolutely not. I’m a very private person. I really keep to myself a lot. I’m not comfortable sharing emotions. I keep everything bottled up which I admit is not the healthiest of choices but it’s better than the alternative. Then I let it all out on this site. So you guys only get the worst of the worst of me which I admit is not fair, but this is the only outlet I have. Only reason I feel comfortable on here is because of the anonymity. Obviously, I do need to work on letting emotions out as keeping everything contained and then exploding on here is probably not the best choice although it’s the only choice I seem to have at this time.
Nowadays, my interactions in person are honestly limited to coworkers and customers. I don’t have a whole lot of human interaction these days as sad as that sounds. That has not always been the case though. I used to have friends some really good. I have done some reevaluating up some of the failed friendships and relationships, and I’ve decided to let myself off the hook a little bit. Not all of them were my fault. Some of them were, some of the fault of others, and some are just a simple case of “Life happening”
As for acting and getting more involved with it, I’m always on the lookout for opportunities. However, my options are limited. I’m bound by the schedule and the work load of my regular job and the fact that I don’t practice acting a lot and therefore, at the moment I have a pretty limited skill set. I tried to make it as a full-time actor some years ago and failed at it miserably. That’s actually one of the biggest failures of my life and something that still haunts me very much to this day. It’s a big reason for how I am the way I am. That being said, I am open minded about any acting opportunities that I could make work my schedule and fit my limited skill set.
Unfortunately, I don’t really have anyone in my life right now to talk to and work on relationships with, not that I feel comfortable talking to anyways. I really wish I did. That’s something I would love to have right now. Just one person to trust and open up to!
Last edited by CaptainB2 : 17-01-2024 at 07:06 PM.
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
what would happen if you started letting out some of your emotions with others irl and started being a bit less private? that might actually help you build some relationships and friendships. it is pretty hard to be friends with someone who never shares anything.
is your schedule at work a typical weekday during the day type of job? we would guess if so that local acting and plays would definitely be able to work around that. if not, maybe you could talk to your manager about switching your schedule around?
what would make you feel comfortable talking to someone and working on building friendships with them?
are there other hobbies and things you are interested in? again same thing where it might take a bit of effort and a bit of going out of your comfort zone, which can absolutely be difficult when you work long hours and are physically and mentally exhausted. but it sounds like it might be something important enough to you to figure out how to push through for.
no requirement to answer any of these, just some thoughts and questions that might help in terms of ways to start to work on getting that connection that it sounds like you desperately want.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
