Triggering (SI/ED) - dont read if you'll be triggered for whatever reason

[cocainecalls]

lately im just so disgusted with myself. so i made some goals and im going to stick to them whatever it takes

its day two of my 350 calorie diet. the hunger pangs are getting less and less obvious.

too keep myself from getting too obsessed im only going to weigh myself at the end of the week and im logging my intake of food.

yesterday i screwed up by eating 3 chips so i worked out for 3 hours until i passed out.

ive been doing drugs as well with my diet but i m finding im getting chest pains and my heart feels like somethign is pulling it.

but anyways [mod edit - i want to reach my goal weight]

[surprising mystery]

Im not sure what advice anyone can give if your so dead set on doing all this. Some part of you must want to change, since your posting on a recovery site, you need to look at that part of your thought if you are to ever move forward and regain a life free of 'musts' 'have to's' and 'cants'

Please take care.

[cocainecalls]

im posting ona recovery site buecase i figured people here have experience with stuff liek this. i dont expect them to tip share..but yeah. and my life isnt full of restrictions...but thanks for the assumption ;)

[surprising mystery]

I was trying to encourage you to think about, and talk about what you could do instead and what other things unrelated to an ed, would make you happy.

Thanks for the sarcasm, I thouroghly enjoyed it.

[surprising mystery]

I have read that post over and over,, the origional one,, and I find it very pro, glamorising and basically just advertising your own weight loss plan, so I guess Im saying, what did you want from that? How can people recovering and changing their ways to get healthier be giving you support?

[[Purple_Rain]]

ok guys, just step back, take a breath and calm down. as you've both mentioned this is a recovery site, and its about supporting people as best we can.

from what you've said in your post it does sound like your dead set on self destruction. not weighing yourself so often is definaly a good thing, but surely the fact you are willing to put yourself through so much pain and mental torture shows you that you are already obseesed, and out of controll of this ED. Eatign 3 chips is most definatly not screwing up. by eatign as little as you are you are probably screwing up your insides, and doign irreperable damage. if by 'today im doign really well' you mena your eating even less, then in my book thats not doign well, thats struggling with this illness. i knwo you may not be able to see it, but you are most certainly very ill. with an ED, no matter hwat weight you get to, i promise you you will NEVER be happy. with an ED not weight is every low enough.
your heart pains are your body screaming at you, begigng you to listen that its tellign you there is somethign wrong.

and if im honest, i disagree with you that you say your life isnt full of restrictions. what is restriction if its not starveign yourself and excersizeign untill you pass out? doign countless amounts of damage to your body by malnurishment and drug abuse. we do have experiance of this, and as you rightly said, we arent goign to tip share. it might help us to support you better if you could explain a littl emore what you want support with and how we can help?

liz

[cocainecalls]

I have read that post over and over,, the origional one,, and I find it very pro, glamorising and basically just advertising your own weight loss plan, so I guess Im saying, what did you want from that? How can people recovering and changing their ways to get healthier be giving you support?

what the ****?????????????//


did i say EVERYONE GO OUT AND DO WHAT IM DOING BECAUSE IM JUST SO GREAT?
no, so im not glamorising it. i started it out by saying im disgusted in myself ..how does that make it sem like thats agood thing/??



and i guess i didnt make myself clear enouhg. no, im not trying to recover. but im not trying to kill myself either. im trying to find a balance. i dont expect the greatest responses since im openly sayng im not trying tor ecover but i posted this because i was hoping someone would understand what i am doing because they are doing/done it aswell. im not trying to share tips at all but im just sick of keeping this all inside.

[surprising mystery]

The mod edits have just taken out all the bits I was going to quote as to say why I felt it was pro and glamorising,, by saying how good the behaiours of the ed are making you feel,, that to me IS advertising it.

[cocainecalls]

clearly i was misunderstood, when i said i passed out from excercising, i t wasnt from actual excercise, it was from being tired. which is good in my booksbecause im an insomniac.

i also dont agree that im restricting myself because im dieting. thats one small part of my life and i allow myself to do alot of othr things, and i still have fun. my life isnt being taken over by my dieting, but im committed to this diet because i realy just want to reach my goal weight. and if my goal weight keeps getting lesser and lesser once ive reached it, then ill seek help. but right now i feel that its not a ridiculous concept. im sorry for venting and talking about my diet plan so in the near future i wont be doing that anymore seeing as this is a recovery website and theres no hope for me clearly.

thanks for ..your support? i guess

- ashley

[[Purple_Rain]]

ok, please try and calm down before anyone says anythign they regret. this site isnt about attacking anyone personally, its abotu supporting each other weather your recovering or not. try and see it from the other ones point of veiw and see if that helps.

i knwo your not tryign to kill yourself, but in effect thats what EDs do; this ED is slowly and painfully killing you. there is no 'safe' balance between haveign an ED and not haveing one, beucase while you've still got a hint of an ED its unsafe.

its understandable you sick of keepign eveyrhitng locked up inside, anyoen would be. a lot of people on this site have been through similar things to those you mentioned, so you are definatly not alone. im not saying you ment it, but it could be possible to interperate what you have written to a different way to what you ment it. unfortuanly that the disadvantage of the interent.

[surprising mystery]

There is ALWAYS hope Ashley, I only want to help, as does anyone, and Im not gonna pussyfoot around when I give advice, especially when someones post sounds so adamant.

I will always maintain that nomatter how in control you feel, its an illusion, kept up by your ed to protect the ed's interests, never yours. As a recovery site, we can encourage maintenance, but to me, you just wanted to push yourself further and further into a place that will never ever bring you lasting satisfaction, so even if you do reach your goal weight, your ed will get bored of it, and be asking for more from you. More energy that this disease doesnt deserve. A suitable diet for weight loss and health is a balanced, nutrient rich one, with moderate exercise a couple of times a week. Your diet cant be called just a diet, its far far more like a set of behaviours of an ed.

I didnt understand things clearly, I took what you wrote on face value,, and if that wasnt what you meant, and now have explained, thats fine, but I will maintain my reaction, and my reply was suitable for what was writain, whatever hidden meanings there were.

Nobody should ever have to exercise for 3 hours over a few chips, thats so unfair on yourself, you deserve better. Think about what you could have done in those hours that wouldnt have been making you feel ill, and would have been productive in a healthy way.

I understand you dont want to get better right now, but dont let yourself get worse, this is a sliperly slope,, I know, and you soon find yourself out of your depth,, and that has zero to do with how intelligent a person is, as eds affects everyone of all backgrounds and abilities.

I hope you will post more, because you can control things better; your reaction to the chips doesnt show control, it shows despiration.

Take care, sorry if I snapped.

Marie x