I guess I wanted to say that I feel I'm finding it hard when people seem to assume that being pregnant is only a completely amazing thing. It is but I feel its not for everyone. I'm struggling with the fact that there are some people literally desperate to have a child and I'm feeling so "meh" about it.
Then there is the fact that I think it will be harder for me. There's no escaping that. I'm not the first physically disabled person to have a baby but it still feels daunting.
Hey there, I can see why that's so difficult - people have so many opinions and sweeping generalisations about pregnancy and being parent and it can be hard when you don't fit society's expectation. I hear you.
What support do you have around you for during your pregnancy and also once your child is born?
I hope this reply isn’t out of turn- I work with Mum’s who feel very similar to what you have described. I was wondering whether your midwife is aware and whether you are under the support of the ‘mental health midwives’ or the Perinatal Team?
I don’t have answers but I just wanted to comment because, I promise, I speak to Mum’s every single day who express very similar sentiments to what you have said. There is this idealised image of pregnancy and how it’s beautiful and everyone smiles and it’s the best time ever- but actually, for a lot of women, that is not the total reality. It’s hard! It’s a massive change, even for people without a background of additional struggles. I really hope you have some support during this pregnancy and after. If you have any specific questions re service provision, please feel free to PM me and I will try to answer.
I feel somewhat unqualified to comment given I’ve never been (and will never be) pregnant, but I wanted to share some thoughts anyway.
I think you’re being a little hard on yourself when you say you feel guilty. I think whatever you feel atm is perfectly valid, and the fact that you feel ‘meh’ about having a child (which is a massive change, both physically and mentally) is completely fair enough. Just because you feel that way doesn’t mean that you’re wrong to, and that you should feel guilty for all those people who desperately want kids and can’t have them for whatever reason. It’s not on you to feel guilty about that - you have been able to and however you feel about that is completely ok, whether that be bursting with excitement or ‘meh’.
The main reason I wanted to comment is because years ago, I child minded for a couple who were both physically disabled and yes, they faced challenges that perhaps aren’t a thing for some parents BUT I was overwhelmed by the amount of support that was available to them. I don’t know what your physical disability entails (nor do you have to say if you don’t wish to) but for this couple, both of them were in wheelchairs and their son was a happy, healthy and very intelligent little boy. Your midwife should be able to refer you to the services you feel you need, both before and after your baby is born.
Do you have the support of a partner in all this? If so, could you talk to him/her about how you’re feeling? I imagine they’d want to know so they could help. If not, do you have other forms of support available ie friends/family etc?
I hope this reply isn’t out of turn- I work with Mum’s who feel very similar to what you have described. I was wondering whether your midwife is aware and whether you are under the support of the ‘mental health midwives’ or the Perinatal Team?
I don’t have answers but I just wanted to comment because, I promise, I speak to Mum’s every single day who express very similar sentiments to what you have said. There is this idealised image of pregnancy and how it’s beautiful and everyone smiles and it’s the best time ever- but actually, for a lot of women, that is not the total reality. It’s hard! It’s a massive change, even for people without a background of additional struggles. I really hope you have some support during this pregnancy and after. If you have any specific questions re service provision, please feel free to PM me and I will try to answer.
Thanks for your helpful response. Not out of turn at all.... I do have some wonderful support from the midwivery team and a Doctor but it took me 3 attempts to get anything out of the specialist mother and baby support unit for mental health reasons.
I work in the mental health field and so I know how stretched it is but it's so sad that people are denied support until they are almost completely desperate because there isn't the funding. It's wrong.
Fortunately, I do have support around me. I just wanted to vent.
This week is particularly difficult as 11 years ago I lost my paternal Grandmother and then exactly a week later (next Wednesday) I lost my Dad that's not pregnancy related but it's bringing up feelings. I was born at 26 weeks and I'm 26 weeks pregnant so there's that too. What a week.
Everyone - I appreciate your comments. To the WorstWitch - please don't feel you can't comment as you haven't been there yourself. I appreciate your care and support just as much.
That does sound like a lot of hard things going on this week. Do you feel like you can reach out to your current support options if you need to, or do you have anything nice planned for yourself for the week? Hope you can manage to get through okay. Definitely keep posting here if it helps!
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Mrs Nutkin, I appreciate you just wanted to vent and I totally get the ‘working in mental health’ being an additional problematic factor. If you want to talk further, do feel free to PM . I’m glad you have some support, even if that is not ideal- genuinely think people undervalue the fabulous work the specialist midwives (and midwives in general) do!
It sounds like a pretty heavy couple of weeks, and actually, again….things that seem really valid and not unheard of! I don’t know your exact situation or area but I *do* know that talking therapies/IAPTS etc prioritise pregnant mothers or new mothers and it isn’t an exclusion from secondary or tertiary support.
I guess I wanted to say that I feel I'm finding it hard when people seem to assume that being pregnant is only a completely amazing thing. It is but I feel its not for everyone. I'm struggling with the fact that there are some people literally desperate to have a child and I'm feeling so "meh" about it.
Then there is the fact that I think it will be harder for me. There's no escaping that. I'm not the first physically disabled person to have a baby but it still feels daunting.
Hey.
I hated being pregnant. Hated it. I was sick for 36/37 weeks out of 41, I was physically unable to do lots of stuff. Being pregnant is hard, REALLY hard. Physically and emotionally. I felt terrible mentally for not enjoying it - I got pregnant after 5 failed treatments over three years and a miscarriage and felt like I wasn’t “grateful enough” and that meant I’d be a terrible parent. After all, I’d spent so long trying to get to this point - how awful am I!?!
I got a bit (minimal) of support from my hospital’s mental health services which was really good actually, the midwife I saw was brilliant and really helped me feel okay with not feeling like it was “the best thing ever.”
So no advice really, but it’s definitely ‘normal’ to feel this way.
Hope you are okay.
"Watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it."
Hey, I hated both pregnancies, even though I had PCOS and had miscarriages I was miserable, in pain and just ready for the baby cuddles! You're definitely not alone.
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
Can you ask your team if there is a ‘PIMHS’ service or similar in your area? It is a specialist team who help birthing people or their partners who are having similar difficulties around ‘hating being a mum’. The perinatal team could also help? I’m unsure where you’re based so apologies if these are irrelevant for your situation!
Sorry to drag this back up again. Would it be ok if I did share some things here? It'll probably be mostly a rant but if people want to chime in.. they'd be welcome to.
I completely understand this.
I got pregnant last year and at first, I thought it was going to be wonderful and amazing, but I ended up feeling very "eh" about it the whole time. Even after the baby was born, I felt absolutely no emotional attachment to the baby and holding them felt like a chore at one point...
I honestly believed that being pregnant was going to make my whole world change. It kinda did, but not in the way I was expecting at all.
. I’m glad you have some support, even if that is not ideal- genuinely think people undervalue the fabulous work the specialist midwives (and midwives in general) do! 
