Craving my old life *serious emotional warning*

*Grey-Glam* · 19-04-2011, 12:31 AM

I guess they don't have trigger warnings for labels anymore... I'm sorry if I go into anything here that upsets anyone..

I used to frequent this forum about 3 years ago, I would be very surprised if anyone here now recognises me. I've battled with eating disorders since I was 15 (I'm 22 now) and there were times when it was very severe, when I was 18 I overdosed to attempt suicide and was in and out of hospital for the following six months, including over my 19th birthday which I was expected not to make it to. That was around when I stopped coming here. Part of it was the need for complete isolation, and I guess the rest was guilt for always needing help but never being able to give it.
Anyway, I began a relationship with a best friend (we're still together, celebrated two and a half years last month

) and things began to get easier. He has never really known the true extent of how sick I was when we got together, I always had some other explanation for being in hospital all the time, and he remains oblivious to this day. In medical terms right now I would be deemed recovered. I am a normal weight, and aside from a truly awful metabolism fairly healthy, even the condition of my heart picked up eventually, something I never thought would happen. I am far from recovered, I have never recovered. I still constantly worry about my weight and if I'm being judged for it, I go through cycles of restricting and binging/purging, and I'm always skipping meals.
I guess I've come to terms with that over the last year or so, but lately I've been craving how things used to be. Wanting to be alone, living in my own little world away from everyone else and their crap. Craving having that control over myself again, where I would go for ages at a time eating very little, when the clothes that now barely fit used to fall off me. I feel at the moment like I really need my old life back.

I don't really know what the point of posting this was. Maybe I just needed to get things off my chest, since I don't have many close friends anymore the person I see the most is my boyfriend, and he cares too much. Maybe by coming back here I can have a safer piece of it back.

It would be lovely to meet all those I haven't met.

tiptoes · 19-04-2011, 09:24 AM

I think I remember seeing your username around. (You might want to remove the length of time you used to restrict for btw due to updated rules)

I don't think I am going to be much help because I pretty much do the same. From a distance it appears I am completely recovered and put it all completely behind me but the devil is in the detail. I don't really have any words but I hear you and I completely understand where you are coming from.

Much love x

xxhappydaysxx · 19-04-2011, 11:27 PM

I remember youuu!!

I can relate to this alot. Its great being physically better, but maybe you need some therapy to help with the thoughts, urges etc? it seems that because you were so ill, that the focus was (and rightly so given what you said about your heart) on your physical health, however there doesnt seem to have been much follow up with the mental health.

Given your past could you go to your dr maybe or talk to someone and tell them? Maybe it is time to tell your bf (congrats on the happy relationship btw!)

Sorry if this makes no sense, I just thought seeing as I remember you id say hi! x

*Grey-Glam* · 19-04-2011, 11:51 PM

Hiya guys, I remember both your usernames! :)
I agree it is wonderful being healthy again, I can walk to and from work, and get through my shift without feeling faint or worrying that I am going to faint. I'm on my feet all the time at work and it's very busy so I forced myself when I started there to try and have at least something to give me some energy at lunch to get through the day. I do sometimes still just sit with a coffee. I do need some help mentally, I'm having the same fears I always used to have about getting help, like why would they bother if there's nothing physically wrong with me. (Being more level headed now helps me see how much of a cry for help my overdose was, because I had lots of problems with mental health teams before it, I thought I'd never get better).
I might start looking into it soon. I don't really want to tell my bf about myself (he knows I used to have problems with food) because I kind of feel like this is a piece of myself that's just mine, living together means I've had to pretty much hand all of me over, which on the one hand is great but I miss having time to myself.

I hope you guys are okay and on the road forward :) <3

_plastic · 20-04-2011, 03:53 PM

Hey welcome back hunni :) dunno if you remember me?
anyways just posting to letting you know that you have someone on the other side of the world JUST LIKE YOU, it's kinda spooky lol.

Be safe <3

Nine · 26-04-2011, 01:28 AM

I have the same problem. I'm sorry I don't have better advice. I think its hard to remember just how bad bad is. I know I didn't want to get better, but I also remember moments in desperation begging that I would do anything to feel a little better. And that path can only end in suicide ...