I've never really been abused as such, I've been beaten up and other things, but nothing major.
Thing is, just recently I've realized how violent I can be. Not outwardly, but in my head...I'm just worried it'll transfer.
I love kids, I really do, and for the most part, they love me. I remember, when I was about 10, I used to go and play with a little girl, who was about 1 or 2 and she had the same name as me. She loved me, her mum trusted me and my little brother was friends with her son so I'd be round quite often. Thing is, I can clearly remember causing this girl distress, deliberately.
I'd put her in her cot and tell her she was going to have to go to sleep, knowing she hated it and it'd make her cry, then when she started whinging I'd go in and pick her up, cuddle her. I vaguely remember taking some sort of pleasure out of doing this, not completely realizing it was wrong.
Over the years I've had many, many urges to do the same sort of thing - drag kids along by their arms, put them in horrible situations and stuff. I haven't, and I hope I can say I wouldn't ever, but the thoughts scare me. They terrify me.
I know I'm a horrible person, please don't respond telling me never to go near kids, I've not done anything since then I don't think, when I was younger I did a couple of horrid, horrid things, but I know they're wrong now. I just don't understand why I want to hurt people, I envision physically hurting friends/family. I'd never go through with it, ever, but why am I thinking it? It scares me. Really, really scares me.
I'm wondering if it could be a control thing? I don't know. Sorry.
"I've never really been abused as such, I've been beaten up and other things, but nothing major."
^ That is still abuse and to be honest Fyr my lovely, your behaviour isn't something unusual, or rather, the thoughts you've been having aren't unusual. The kind of thing you're experiencing happens an awful lot and whilst not always the case, thoughts of this nature can be "common" within a psychotic environment; yet regardless of how the thoughts come about, alot of people are extremely frightened that they have such thoughts.
Something that may be good to do - and wouldn't it be lovely if we had a penny for everytime we said this? - is talk to a counsellor about the thoughts you're having. Through counselling you'd hopefully be able to look into these thoughts/behaviour, exploring what's happening and in so doing, discover the route cause, something that would hopefully in turn put an end to the thoughts. Does that make sense?
As Shona says, being beaten up is abuse, and having the urges that you have are indeed natural given what has happened to you.
I experienced some similar abuse as a child and teen, and also myself have had violent thoughts. And, yes, I've been a teacher. I felt so scared and out of control inside some of the time. But I managed to hold it in pretty much. I did tend to yell a lot, in some of the classes that were more out of control in the first place. So, in that sense for me, it was about control, as well as the repeating what was done to me scenario.
Also, sometimes when I'm feeling really volatile and agressive, its usually because I want to be understood and cared about myself, but it comes out wrong, as it were.
Also, remember that having thoughts of doing something, doesn't necessarily mean that you will act on it.
As Shona says, counselling/therapy is the best thing to learn to understand and manage such feelings. I know it is helping me immensely.
Amy, you're not a horrible person, honestly. Katie and Shona gave really good replies so I know I'm just repeating what they said - but I also want to let you know that I'm here for you if ever you need to talk. What you experienced - being beaten up - is a form of abuse. I'm sorry you had to go through that, m'love. It must have been awful. *Cuddles*.
Shona and Katie have both suggested counselling, maybe you should give it a go? It could help you so much. Hope you're okay, take care of youself.
"When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around.”
The more you understand where the impulses come from, the more control you'll have.
Observing when the thoughts come in, if there's any trigger, tracking them, and communicating with the parts of me that experienced the abuse, are all things that I find help.
Occasionally I do 'snap' - not with children though now. But even though I feel embarressed and ashamed, it is never usually as big as parts of me feel it was, if that makes sense.
If you've got any ?'s about the above, let me know, and I'll try and explain more when I'm more awake. :)
I think this fear of acting upon thoughts might be symptomatic of OCD, from what I've read about it... worth talking to your counsellor about anyway.
I have these type of thoughts too, difference with mine being I know I'm never going to act upon them unless I'm provoked into it, but it's scary nonetheless realising you have this vicious streak in you. ((hugs))
It can come from a bitterness towards past abuse- I reckon mine does anyway- and like Katherine says it can help you to understand where it comes from a bit more.
The song "thoughtless" by Korn describes perfectly in it's (extremely triggering) lyrics a lot of my feelings, that "come and have a go if you think you're hard enough" rage I can feel sometimes... I think it's very common for victims of bullying or abuse to feel this way.
I think I've rambled enough, sorry this isn't very helpful.
I want something else to get me through this
Semi-charmed kind of life baby baby
I understand how you feel it takes a lot to get me to angry but when I am I feel like my head is spining and violence does seem to make it better I have never hurt someone intentionally but I know the thoughts are there but it's human if it really bothers you could you talk to a therapist about this and see what they say. Hang in there sweetie, it is obvious you don't want to hurt anyone! Thinking it and acting on it are two totally different things. If you need to talk pm me sweetie!
Over the years I've had many, many urges to do the same sort of thing - drag kids along by their arms, put them in horrible situations and stuff. I haven't, and I hope I can say I wouldn't ever, but the thoughts scare me. They terrify me.
I'm wondering if it could be a control thing? I don't know. Sorry.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mockingbird:.
Thanks guys, it's just, I have acted on them in the past, before anything like that happened. What if I snap one day?
The past is the past and should stay in the past at 10 year's old you don't really know what you are doing and you say you are horrified thinking about it now so I think that say's alot. I can remember babysitting when I was younger and the kid stirred in her sleep, I got her up and regretted it so much when she didn't stop crying all evening! I caused her distress but at 14 I didn't know what my action would result in at 10 it's even less obvious.
I know how scary it can be to wonder what could happen if I lost my rag in an extreme fashion - I know that sometime's I have horrid thought's but I also know that I won't act on them - because I know that if I get in a situation where it is likely I will walk away and if I don't well I'll cross that bridge when I have to at the end of the day worrying about what if's are only going to make them stronger, more frequent and more likely to turn into realities.
The above makes it sound so easy and it's not but talking it through with someone can give you a different perspective and that can be a valuable thing to have.
xoxox
When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty. ~Woody Allen
Is a chocolate muffin loving glitter ball
I can't add anything to what anyone else has said, but I wanted to let you know I've read. I also want to let you know I don't think you're a bad person, at all. You're lovely =).
*sends you massive hugs*
Love Claire x
the beauty belongs to the people that follow their dreams
