Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. I tried groups, didn't work out just made my depression a lot worse.
i'm getting into the writing mood again. maybe something soon we'll see. been more into making music lately but i'll throw a poem here for the heck of it.
procrastination is my only friend
time is passing by
time to say goodbye
time for this to stop
time for me to drop
time to end my fear
time has ended here
time to reach the ledge
time to jump the edge
time to take a breath
time to go meet death
time to feel the breeze
time to feel so free
time to close my eyes
time for me to die
but i'm doing fine
so maybe next time.
---
collection
another to add to my collection
a number to add to my obsession
i'm collecting them all one two three four
just maybe one day i'll collect them all
i've collected them on my left and right
but to be safe i've kept them out of sight
if i trust you maybe i'll let you see
if i trust you maybe i'll raise my sleeve
please don't mind me i really don't need help
because a collection is meaningless if you keep it to yourself
---
these are super cheesy and garbage but it usually takes a while to get back into the groove.
i always write really random stuff when i'm getting back into it that i don't usually post here but i decided to do it anyways
i can't sleep when i'm dreaming of you
i can't sleep because i'm thinking of you
i can't sleep when my dream's about you
i can't sleep because i'm here without you
and if i sleep forever, you might miss me too
---
severing
severed skin
severed by
several things
severely
i'm walking around every day
looking for you to take me away
yet i don't know you, or who you are
but if we meet just take me afar
i'm so lonely, i can't stand it
maybe one day i'll give up and quit
maybe one day i can find myself
just maybe one day i can find help
a friend in need is a friend indeed
there's only silence when i'm in need
if walls talked back, i would talk to them
if you talked back, i would be your friend
i haven't had friends in years and years
i never had them at all, i fear
i leave everyone that becomes close
and so in the end i'm just a ghost
i've [redacted] again
just keep [redacted] again
can't stop [redacted]
i need [redacted]
give me [redacted]
can't live without [redacted]
can't die without [redacted]
life is [redacted]
death is [redacted]
my friends are [redacted] away
my family is [redacted] away
my life has been [redacted] away
there's nothing left in my life
so i am [redacted] again
---
i need you
with me
i need you
near me
i need you
see me
i need you
hear me
i need you
please be
i need you
reality
actual usless being
31 with 31 reasons to die
31 that's 31 years gone by
124 seasons im seeing
124 reasons im bleeding
372 months i have wasted
372 months i am wasted
5 minutes is all it takes
to make 31 years of pain go away
i need my medicine
it is just a bottle away
i need my medicine
and no one will take it away
i need my medicine
please someone save me from myself
i need my medicine
but no one's left to give me help
i need my medicine
so i can't remember today
i need my medicine
so i can fall asleep again
i need my medicine
there's no one who will smell my breath
i need my medicine
just another bottle til death
empty, brainless
dead and lifeless
sharp edge, stainless
wish this blood would stain less
staring, sightless
blinded brightness
coward, fightless
wish that we could fight less
---
posting all my poems to a backup location just in case this site ever kicks the bucket here's the link for anyone interested
still working on moving them all over, but i should be done in a few hours
thursday night
drinking away the day the week
drinking away what makes me weak
drinking away this time this place
drinking away my empty space
drinking away drinking away
drinking away another day
drinking away what makes me think
drinking away the vomit stink
drinking away 'til tomorrow
drinking away this cold sorrow
drinking away drinking away
drinking away until I sway
drinking away empty again
drinking away until the end
drinking away vision is black
drinking away I can't go back
drinking away drinking away
drinking away I'll find a way
and away I drink to the depths I sink.
the finish line
i have an itchy spot
i can't reach it, it won't stop
scratching stratching scraches
pick pink skin 'til it matches
others i scratched tonight
lightly drip dropping bright blight
puddles on black cloth kept out of sight
deeper deeper deeper
i guess this one's a seeper
or should i make it run
red racers racing for fun
they say red things go fast
a sprint from first place to last
and i don't think i will make it past
i plunge deep into me
spelunking into my sea
it's dark in there, oozing
walls of these lifecaves losing
every last drop i feel
til every last drop i spill
losing my mind, this cannot be real
drivel
my insecurity securing
my security insecurely
this breathing, heave heaving heavy breath
I breathe heavily, heavenly breaths
anxious thinking, anxiety thoughts
anxiously thought I'd found what i'd sought
sort of, like sorting an assortment
of shortcomings, shortly I lament
reasons of reasoning reasonable resentment
and like a broken record, i'm stuck in the same dent
any excuse
wind whistles whispering through my window gap
cold caressing crassly wakes me from my nap
blanket bundled below pushed down past my lap
shivering skin shaking, time for my nightcap
hey thanks, that one's kinda fun to read despite the subject matter. im just writing a lot of random things and hoping some of it's decent until i get bored again.
---
11:38pm
eleven thirty eight pm
i've gone and done it again
eleven forty one, two, three
the last train has travelled from me
eleven fifty eight, nine - twelve
another night i have to shelve
another fight i lost to myself
---
im kind of thinking about gathering a couple of my actually kinda good poems and reading them at a poetry open mic.
lockdown's been over here for a while so smaller events are back up.
idk how i'd feel about reading like a suicide or self-harm themed one, but those are usually my good ones
like what if im put after someone that does some comedy or progressive issue then im reading off what basically amounts to suicidal ideation lmao
it's cold tonight
my teeth are hurting
it's cold tonight
my throat is burning
it's cold tonight
my skin starts shaking
it's cold tonight
my bloodflow quaking
it's cold tonight
this headache won't end
it's cold tonight
so i'll eat again
this dismal rain drizzling down
down my hair, down my face
down to where i stand in place
down into my empty space
down from where i've hurt again
down and down, again again
down i go, i'm drowning then
in endless rain that never ends