Feeling unloved

[beautiful_seclusion]

Why do people think its ok to treat other people like ****? And then apologize and do it again and again? He says he just "loses control", but if that was true, and he really cared about me, wouldn't he seek help? Sorry for the rant. I'm just tired of being the verbal punching bag when things don't go his way. Yet it's not as simple as "he's just an asshole". Sometimes he's nicer than most spouses would be. Just not during certain times. And I sometimes wonder if I'm just overreacting and this is normal in relationships? Maybe I'm the one being too forceful when I tell him what he's doing isn't ok? I wish I had someone to talk to, but I don't, and I know how badly it turns out when you try to confide about things like this...

[Patent Pending]

Hi there.

Sorry you're struggling at the moment.

I don't think you're over-reacting. Yes, you have the odd arguments etc in relationships but NO ONE should feel like a verbal punching bag for someone else.

Seeking help for anger issues can be difficult...I've recently had it suggested to me and I'm struggling to deal with the idea...but if someone describes how they act as 'losing control' then it may be something they need.

I hope you feel like you can talk about it here, and if you ever need to feel free to PM me.

x x x

[beautiful_seclusion]

Thank you for responding. It really helps a lot. :) yeah I know some of its not normal. He used to take out his anger by psychologically manipulating me with a lot of lies. But once that stopped working, it seemed like he just switched to saying mean things and calling me names. He'll say he knows it was wrong, but other times he'll blame it on me. And I start to wonder if I am too hard on him in the last few years after he finally stopped all the lying stuff. But it's like, if he doesn't like what Im saying, can't he just say so and say why? Rather than saying hurtful things? I know I can get heated, but I don't call names or threaten to leave or say things I know aren't true just to be hurtful. I always attack his behavior, never him. Ive even told him that, but he attacks me and refuses to tell me what I actually am doing that I can change. And sometimes it's not even after I've done anything but just cause he had a bad day or something but will still take it out on me. I've begged to go to counseling, and he always ends up claiming he will. But he never does or goes once and then refuses. I told him I don't believe his apologies anymore. But sometimes I think I'm just crazy cause no one else sees him like that. And I feel bad cause sometimes I do get angry and wonder if Im no better.

[crazykat]

I don't think you are overreacting either, they way he is treating you is unacceptable. No one deserves to be treated like that. It's hard though because often we stay in these relationships because we feel we don't deserve any better or that we are to blame or we excuse their behaviour because they are nice sometimes. All relationships will have an odd argument here or there but when it becomes more than that and you feel like you are being used as a verbal punching bag then that is not okay. You deserve better than that.

[Patent Pending]

From what you are saying, it sounds like it's simply that he's transferred his behaviour from the lying to hurtful comments - neither are 'better' or 'worse' they equate to the same thing. He is in the wrong. Don't feel you're being too hard on him or anything - after all while it's good he's stopped the lying it is a basic request of any relationship; it's not something you've asked for which is out of order.

You should call him up on his behaviour; anyone in your position would. If you were behaving the same way you would expect him to call you out on it.

I would ask him to go to counselling again; perhaps make clear how you relationship is going to be affected if this carries on. Maybe you could look into relationship counselling so you can go together?

x x x

[beautiful_seclusion]

I'm definitely going to keep trying. I've offered to go as a couple and to work on anything the counselor says I can work on so it's not all on him. He simply doesn't want to and seems to think he doesn't need to do something if he doesn't want to. Unfortunately I can't push it too hard for another month or so as we are moving out of state. But once we do move, I think I need to be more forceful about it and make him follow through on his promises. I just am not sure how to make him actually do it. I don't know if going to counseling on my own would help or just be a waste of time without him there.

Thank you so much for the replies, it really helps to know I'm not completely off base. I agree, it does feel like he's just transferred the behavior since the old stuff stopped. Just wish he'd take care of the problems :/

[Patent Pending]

I'm glad you're willing to keep trying to get him to see someone - it may help for you to see a counsellor too; often relationship counsellors suggest you are each seen separate and together as well.

Keep trying.

x x x

[beautiful_seclusion]

Thank you :). I think I may seek out a counselor once I move. If nothing else, they might have some suggestions for how I can handle it better and maybe it'll get him to realize how much this really is upsetting me.