I have a follow up appointment with my homeopath tomorrow. For those of you who're not familiar with homeopathy, you can see it kind of like a holistic psychiatrist. Homeopaths don't label illnesses though, they're more interested in the nuances of feelings and what disrupts the 'vital force' from functioning most healthily. My core problem in this respect is my what my homeopath calls 'duality'. My having this other side of me that attacks life, treatment, relationship, believing that it's somehow protecting me from the past happening/again.
Anyway. In many senses of the word everything depends on what prescription he makes tomorrow.
Work. The potentially triggering, exposing, panic inducing half day trainings later this week. The upcoming changes of working procedure. I'm scared of my Other being triggered into her aggressive, hostile, frightening and shameful defences. Even though my GP says that it's not the end of everything if they come forward.
The 'holidays'. When I have no support, and with what can be hellish separation anxieties. Around this time last year I was close to breakdown again, due to the same situation. I coped better in the Summer, from what he prescribed. But this time of year is different. It's a family time, and my aloneness is all the more accentuated.
I need your help with gathering how I've been the past month. I don't want to miss out anything important. What's your perception of me? How do you experience me, online, when I go into the 'brain freeze' states - how do you experience it effecting me?
I feel very stressed and very under pressure. Having had annual leave from work has helped but also hasn't, in that I feel very adrift and excluded at work, not a part of it all.
Can I please have your feedback and thoughts?
And, as usual, encouragement and support is also welcome.
*big cuddles*
I'm sorry I can't offer any feedback hun, I've been away these last few weeks so I've missed on your updates and I really don't feel I could offer anything useful.
But you always have my support hun, and I really hope your appointment goes well. The holidays are really tough on people and I hope you find some security and calmness during the season. Time and love and honesty with what you're feeling hun.
I hope the appointment goes well and that your training day goes smoothly without any stress or triggers. Let us know how things go ok?
*more big hugs*
xxxxxx
You see a mouse trap
I see free cheese
And a ****ing challenge
I dont know you too well, but from what ive seen youre very sensitive not just to others opinions of you but everything that goes on around you.
Also you seem harsh on yourself too, you dont seem to notice or accept the good things about yourself or in your life.
*hugs* I really hope things work out for you hun
xxxxxxx
After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
I feel so vulnerable and exposed. I just want to hide from the world. It overwhelms me. I feel scared. I don't know how I'm going to cope with this week at work. My GP has said that my adult self wants to go ahead with it, and she's right. But my adult self? Where is she?
She is there :) it just may not feel like it at the moment. Maybe you feel your adult part has to be in control and strong and always capable, but what if she doesn't? What if your adult self can also feel scared and full of doubts, and sensitive and fragile?
I think your GP was right when she said, if Katrina came forward it's not the end of everything. She's come out before and you're still here. It really bloody hurts and it's scary, but you can survive and people will still be there. What if you were allowed to feel aggressive and hostile and frightened and ashamed? What if, alongside, you were also allowed to feel safe and in control and with the resources you need to get through it? I wonder if part of you is stuck in the fear of how traumatic these training days have been in the past, but you're not giving yourself credit for the strength you do have now. Also... something that's helped me is to know that, as adults, we have choices. We don't have to do anything. If you're feeling panicky, you get up and leave and make yourself a cup of tea. You're not prisoner, though I totally know it can feel that way.
Also... with being exposed... I don't know if this would make you feel more exposed, but when I feel exposed I wear a hat and big coat or cardigan. It helps me feel more held and less "skinless".
I'm not sure about the holidays. What sprung to mind is, maybe you can have something in place. (I'm of the firm belief that most of us here should develop a sort of "crisis plan" for the holiday period, because it's such a stressful time, and it can help to know what to do when the emotions are too much). I sort of thought... and I hope this doesn't sound sad, but it's a thought I've had for myself too, when you're feeling lonely, could you spend time with other lonely people? Like on Christmas day, serving in a soup kitchen or something. Last Christmas day I went to my usual volunteering and it really helped... just some normality and structure.
I think online you have seemed vulnerable and exposed, like you said. I think things have felt raw and painful, feeling the loss and grief of times gone by and perhaps the future too. But there is a sparkling strength in you, too. You're a brave woman. Sometimes it's easy to forget that we're brave and strong when we feel so young and alone.
Thank you Laura.
I want to reply properly, but I'm too sleepy and dazed at the moment to concentrate. My homeopath prescribed the same remedy, same potency, just to take it likely more frequently, whenever I start dipping too far. He didn't increase the potency, as it has a [rather nice!] tendency to make me feel quite 'high' and blissed out for a while after taking a dose, and he said we're looking for a steadily rising line, not a steep climb and then the fall is too far.
I took a dose as he prescribed this morning, and I've been dozing under 2 blankets this afternoon, and my brain's still rather foggy. Good job I had annual leave!
I'll come back to this a bit later.
