I finally got a therapist after around 6 or so months. I'm out of my school situation. I feel like I have no validity to be relapsing since I am living a "perfect" and "happy" life. I was doing better for some time and now things are awfully sticky feeling. I don't know when it worsened again. Depression has been overwhelming and I've been hallucinating again. A lot of negative and somewhat traumatizing things have happened.
I become so overwhelming while doing sh that I find it difficult to put the tool down. It's not relieving but more so enjoyable. I can't describe it easily without it sounding odd. It's like a state of euphoria.
But, I've figured out some reasons as to why I'm inclined to sh. Safety and control. Safety because I hold the mentality of "if I hurt myself first then no one else can." Control because it's a way I can finally have a sense of security. That I'm the one chosing what happens to it, not someone else, and to me, that's more than desirable because I don't want anyone to touch me inappropriately again. Everything is fear driven, irrational fears yet very prominent ones.
I come to points where I want to stop. When I do, I need it again. "Need," I suppose.
I really don't think you need to berate yourself for feeling bad when things are objectively good - depression can strike in all sorts of situations and it's not your fault!
Are you able to talk about this with your therapist? It's good that you've managed to pin down some reasons why you are drawn to self harm; that's the first step to finding alternative strategies to manage the feelings.
I really don't want to tell my therapist that I'm self harming because then they'd tell my parents. I don't want another thing added onto the list of why I'm a disappointment. They wouldn't be disappointed necessarily, but they wouldn't understand I feel. I know I should tell my therapist, but I don't want to. As long as they don't know then they don't know. I've been a burden enough already. I shouldn't add more stress onto their already overwhelmed lives. And as long as everything heals properly and I can hide any signs with clothes, it should be fine. That's my logic anyways.
I think they're obligated to, not sure if by law. But during the first session, they explained everything and that if I threaten to hurt myself or someone else, that my parents would be involved.
It's fine now, though, but sh is still something I struggle with. If not the action, then the urges. I'll get over myself eventually.
breaking confidentiality generally refers to suicide/homicide or if you talk about abuse given you are a minor. but you could definitely ask them about it in a hypothetical sense to find out more specifically. it will unfortunately differ from therapist to therapist how they view it and how they see self harm in general, and differ based on the severity of the self harm as well. and differ based on whether they view providing updates to your parents as necessary or whether they keep what you discuss confidential. it's unfortunately a bit of a grey area and there's no one size fits all answer.
so basically point being if you're not struggling with it at the moment, you could absolutely bring it up with the therapist as a hypothetical question!
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I really don't want to explain why I even SH to begin with to my parents. Then I'd have to actually tell them the extent of my trauma and I don't want them to know everything like that. I don't want to feel any more disgusting than I already do. I know they wouldn't view me as gross or shameful, but I don't want to get into bad stuff. Because then the memories and pain will come back to the surface and I'll be just as broken as I was during everything.
So I'll wait. The best chance not to get them involved is to not mention SH at all.
I think because I don't really want to heal/get better for multiple reasons. Often times during the sessions, I disconnect and I don't feel real/alive anymore. It makes it difficult to function in a way. Besides that, I think they've noticed how I'm stuck since they've been suggesting I do different things like exercise. Today they asked me what I wanted out of therapy and I didn't have an answer. I don't know what I want.
Things like me not knowing what I want or having an answer besides a general one that anyone would say along with my disconnecting, it makes it difficult to be productive. I feel that way at least.
That does sound difficult and I think it is important to know what what you want out of therapy! Can you expand on not knowing what you want? I assume that you don't say that because life is excellent and there's nothing that you want to change?
Oh, I wish life was excellent and nothing had to change.
They had also asked where I saw myself in 10 years and I didn't have an answer for that either. I know general answers people would give for that: have a house, job, family, etc.. But for me, I have no idea. Thinking about it, it might be because of my abuser. When I got away from him, I had been with him for almost half my life. Every day was a loop of itself, appeasing him and fulfilling all his needs then disregarding my own. Along with some other horrid stuff.
My point is that I believe my feelings and wants towards what I want are watered down in a way. I'm just expecting someone else to grab and pull me where I'm supposed to go since I haven't really done that for myself before. Or someone else to tell me what to do like I had been before. To be honest, I'm not too hopeful in the future. I think I'll just end up in another abusive relationship, except in real.
It honestly feels so pathetic or like I have no control over my life. I don't know how to provide an answer, my mind is completely blank and it's almost as if I'm in shock. It's difficult to describe.
I don't know how to feel in general or about anything else. I lost a lot of my emotions because of him. I often become overwhelmed and I either shut off or totally explode. I have a hard time describing what I feel because I just don't know. It's so inhuman.
That all sounds so painful and I think it makes sense that you're not used to taking the lead in decision that affect you.
Two thoughts - maybe your first sentence response is a starting point for listing some things that you would like to change. You don't have to have a perfect answer to the question and it's entirely possible that what you want from therapy will change as it goes along anyway. And my second thought is could you show exactly what you wrote above to the therapist? I can understand that it does need to be led by you, but hopefully they can also take into account how difficult it is for you to give that direction initially.
I told my therapist along the lines of what I said here. They said it's understandable. They also suggested that maybe my "emotional compass" has been suppressed which is something I agree with.
They also mentioned how healing from past trauma would be beneficial, obviously. But I also don't want to heal for multiple reasons. I'm stuck. It's like there's another me inside my head that says everything different. I can't help for the thoughts, but they're usually contradictory to my original thought, negative, invalidating, and either sadistic or masochistic. Even if I want to heal, that other self says otherwise.
It's a whole wad of knots to untangle except they're also soggy and my hands are tied behind my back. What I'm trying to say is that everything is connected with each other that it's hard to fix anything. I'm walking in circles. Not forward, not backwards, but nowhere. And I don't know what to do about that.
During the session today, I contemplated telling them about my sh but dismissed the thought. I'm not ready for that when I'm relying on it practically every day. I know it's not good for me and both my physical and mental health, but I can't stop. Right now, I don't want to, either. I want to stop sh on my terms, not from someone taking my tools and locking up anything else.
I think it's totally valid to want to stop when you're ready rather than be forced to stop. As long as you're managing the risk in a sensible way - using something clean, doing appropriate first aid etc?
Have you told your therapist about the 'other' part in your head that wants to sabotage your healing?
If I stopped abruptly, I feel it would be like when someone tries to stop smoking "cold turkey." I don't find it effective.
I haven't been keeping up with sanitary tools and things afterwards. Sometimes I don't even wash the cuts afterwards. Only if they're bleeding badly or are deep is when I'll bandage it.
I have told them about the other me but it's difficult to explain since I don't fully understand it. Whatever I think, the other says the opposite. I end up half believing the other. My therapist thinks it'd be best for me to see someone else. And that they "are used to working with people who are motivated/want to get better."
I find it frustrating. I know I am the one who has to put in the effort. Everyone I talk to, my parents included, seem to downplay how I feel. I can't just magically make myself want to get better. I've been like this for 7 years, I can't be expected to immediately step out from the shadow I've been lurking in all this time. It angers me and that's why I don't talk to anyone about how I'm doing. Because all they ever do is minimize or invalidate it. It's easier to keep it to myself or vent to strangers online.
Oh for goodness’ sake, it sounds like you’ve been trying and it’s so frustrating to that your therapist seems to have decided that that’s not enough for them. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Please don’t give up on getting help though, there definitely is a better life than this that’s possible for you.
I would strongly urge you to start taking better care of your injuries. If not for your own sake now (if maybe you don’t feel like you care) then for when this is over (and one day it will be!) and you’ll be glad to have as healthy a body as possible.
It's been going better. I started talking about the very superficial layer of my trauma, barely skimming the surface. It's different telling random people online than someone I'm physically facing, looking at, and talking to. I find it more embarrassing when I can actually be seen. I just don't like feeling as though I'm being forced. I'm getting tired of repeating the same story over and over that it doesn't even feel like mine anymore. But maybe that's because I'm so disconnected. I don't know how much I can actually help for not wanting to get better or struggling. Not to scream, "oh, poor little me! I can't do anything!" But I think a lot of my inability to decide for myself was lost since I was told what to do by someone else every single day. Or that I deserve to be miserable. I know I shouldn't perpetuate it further, but it's difficult when it's how I've been living for a while. It's like a habit. I don't really know what I want anymore.
I digress. I was clean for a week or so and recently relapsed which I regret. I've noticed that when I actually clean and bandage them, they don't look as nasty and red. They have a softer color. I've been trying to take better care of them. I feel like I should throw my tool out at this point. Besides, it's probably filthy. If I end up getting a new one, it'll be a bit cleaner in the least. I hate my scars. In the moment, it feels good. But the regret keeps me up at night.
I'm glad things have been going better and that you managed to start talking a bit. No idea if this will be any use, but I find it much easier to talk in these kinda situations if I'm fidgeting with something and not looking at the therapist person at all. Like, I don't do eye contact anyway, but I normally look in the vague direction of the person, but in therapy I would always be much more able to communicate if I was looking at and fidgeting with something.
Yay for taking better care of wounds although sorry you relapsed. I hope I'm not overstepping the mark but I wonder if using the expression 'clean' isn't very helpful for you - that implies that self-harming is 'dirty' (aside from yes, throw out that old dirty blade!) and can create unnecessary feelings of shame. It's great to be motivated to stop because of not liking the scars and wanting to be free of self harm, but I just wonder if sometimes the language used can be detrimental.
I hadn't thought of that before, so thank you. I might bring something in during my next session. Maybe playdough since I have an odd liking for it, ahah. I also brought up with them that I might write my thoughts out on paper. Some things just feel preposterous to say out loud.
I haven't cut I think since I mentioned that I did. I hate what I did to myself. In the moment, I didn't realize how deep they were. But now that they've healed some, there's too many scars and I've come to hate myself for it. Pain doesn't seem appetizing at the moment, if that makes sense. And I never really thought about "clean" that way. It was terminology other people used so I used it, too. But I understand what you're saying.
I've been doing better, I think. My birthday is this month and had a party since I haven't had anything during and after the lockdowns. A friend broke ties with me and the others have been making excuses for why they couldn't come to my event. It doesn't matter. I met someone else who was really nice, I'm just awkward and shy and nervous to speak or start any conversation. I got a library card so I've been reading more. There's manga at the library and I'm waiting for the first volume of Neon Genesis Evangelion to be available. My classes are over in a few weeks, some time in May. I'm not excited for finals, though. Oh, and I started playing the bass guitar which gives me something else to do. It's fun, I've been enjoying myself a bit.
