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Old 24-09-2010, 10:18 PM   #33601
MammaMia
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ribenalion View Post
Should do, I mean I'm being irrational, it needs doing so I can eat again properly, but still, the thought of things poking around inside me terrifies me. :(

*hugs all* sorry for my lack of individuals, I just feel terrible and my memory is horrific right now
*cuddles tight* What terrifies you about it? Feel free to PM if you want it to be kept private x

Quote:
Originally Posted by IceQueenHasAHeart View Post
I don't know if it's time or if I will regret it only if I keep it in much longer, I will bottle it. And now I feel I'm being utterly stupid.
You know you can tell us, but we won't push or force you. Be kind to yourself, especially if you feel able to tell. Do you know what's stopping you?

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Originally Posted by nicole94 View Post
lia-we cant force you into telling us, but i'm sure you will feel a lot better when you have, and you shouldnt bottle things up, its not good for you. but you're not being stupid hun.
*agrees*

Quote:
Originally Posted by Scarletdreamer View Post
Wow, the ward IS moving quite quickly at the moment, hasn't been like this for awhile - you're right, Hels. :)

Oh & Kahlia & Hels - I've been counting weeks and it was 12 weeks for me on Wednesday so now I'm confused... lol... because I know that we were synced up at some point, so how could it go wrong? I've been going by counting weeks with each Wednesday... ahhh, brain totally NOT WORKING. :( But congrats to you anyway!!! XD *cuddles*
Well...I think me & Kahlia count by months so like everytime it's the 25th in Australia/England we are another month free?? Every time I've give up, I've counted the first four weeks, then one month, two, etc!!! Does that make sense???

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Originally Posted by shadowedsoul View Post
Er okay this half an hour should be interesting. Erm
What do you mean?



Have left RYL.

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Old 24-09-2010, 10:18 PM   #33602
FlyingNy
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*Draws deep breath.* While I am utterly disconnected from my emotions I will get this over with.

I don't even know how to start as there's nothing really to tell. I'm just scared there might be. Right, well I guess here goes.

Damn, I'm sorry I can't figure out how to hide this so I'll just warn you now this contains SA.

I'm worried I have repressed memories of sexual assult. There, said it now. Might as well finish.

I have reasons for thinking this...I think the best way of going about it is making a list, but that just seems stupid. Oh I don't even know and I'm meant to be good with words. This is stupid anyway. I'm stupid. I just don't know how to do this. There are no rules and this isn't one of my fictions. It is very, very real.

I hate physical contact. But not all. I just don't like intimate physical contact, including hugs (although cyber hugs are fine). I have a friend who wants to 'cure' me of this and keeps putting her arm around my waist and I just want to shove her off me each time. It makes me feel uncomfortable and weird.

I also dislike men. They make me feel uncomfortable too, although the ones in my theatre class are growing on me. Girls are my preferred company.

I know there's more, but I can't even think now.

Oh yes. My other fear is public toilets. Not as in 'argh! It's a toilet!' But I hate being in them alone. I get all paranoid and it freaks me out.

I'm also just a generally jumpy and fidgety person. I can't sit still and jump every time my phone goes off or the toast pops out of the toaster. I get moods where being around people is just awful and I develop a random fear of everyone around me.

There's also the 'badness'. The worthlessness I feel, so deeply that I want to kill myself sometimes just because it's the only way to be away from me. I feel dirty, disgusting. I hate myself so much, I can't even put it into words. I don't even know why, there's just a badness somewhere there.

What started this off is an episode of EastEnders of all things. For those of you who aren't in the UK, it's a soap opera. Basically, there was this SA storyline, and I was like 'oh that's pleasant' but I watched it anyway and just totally freaked. I was shaking afterwards and panicking and I had no idea what was wrong with me. It was weird, but since then, this is all I've thought about.

I also seem to 'know' the topic more than I should. If the topic comes up (which is a surprising amount), I can say things and people will just be like 'how the hell would you know that?' I know what it feels like and I shouldn't. ANd that's when I try to restrict what I say so people don't give me odd looks.

But I'm being dumb and I doubt anyone will bother to read this and I am so so sorry because I know there are people that really have been through it and then there's me who can't even remember and I'm so sorry if I offend anyone and you have every right to call me any name you want. Throw me off the ward, call me the pathetic, dirty cow that I am. I'm so sorry.

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Old 24-09-2010, 10:23 PM   #33603
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*cuddles Helen* I'm just scared of the pain afterwards, I'm such a wuss :( though I wish I could eat without feeling sick. Also I know mum will make my recovery awkward, she's been mean to the dog after his surgery. I worry too much.

*hugs Lia* We'll never throw you off the ward for something like that, we're all here for you. Wish I could do more to help you :(

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Old 24-09-2010, 10:24 PM   #33604
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*hugs lia* sweetie, we arent gonna throw you off the ward, call you nasty names or do anything nasty towards you, well, i know i'm not, and i'm sure noone else will. you're not being stupid at all, a lot of people block out memories of SA because it's just so much easier for them. and even if nothing happend, that doesnt mean these feelings arent valid, everyone deserves to feel safe, and if you dont then you need to do something, is there anyone you can tell about these feelings? well done for telling us though hun. x



You called me an angel, there must be a twist,
Have you ever seen an angel with scars on her wrist?
And blood trickling down from a gash on her arm,
Have you ever seen an angel self harm?-Unknown

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Old 24-09-2010, 10:29 PM   #33605
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*Hugs Lia* You're NOT Dirty or pathetic , we wouldn't want you to leave the ward . I'm sorry you feel so freaked out , I think I would be freaked out too in your shoes *Extra hugs*



I'm still not comfortable in my skin and the anasthetic's slowly wearing thin - Otep
Everyones lost but me! - Indiana Jones

It's okay , they know me here .

Kahlia1981 is my adopted little sister :)


''Courage doesn't always roar , sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow"

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Old 24-09-2010, 10:48 PM   #33606
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*Hugs the ward* , I'm gonna log off for the night , I will be at my parents until Sunday so sorry in advance if I can't keep up in the ward .



I'm still not comfortable in my skin and the anasthetic's slowly wearing thin - Otep
Everyones lost but me! - Indiana Jones

It's okay , they know me here .

Kahlia1981 is my adopted little sister :)


''Courage doesn't always roar , sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow"

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Old 24-09-2010, 10:49 PM   #33607
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Don't be nice to me please. I appreciate it, but I don't deserve it. It's alright, you can be honest. I don't expect people to believe me.

I'm off to hide somewhere in a hole.

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Old 24-09-2010, 10:52 PM   #33608
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*hugs mark* night night.x
*hugs lia* sweetie, you do deserve it, and we all beleive you, please stay safe hun.x



You called me an angel, there must be a twist,
Have you ever seen an angel with scars on her wrist?
And blood trickling down from a gash on her arm,
Have you ever seen an angel self harm?-Unknown

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Old 24-09-2010, 10:53 PM   #33609
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I'm glad it's the weekend. I don't think I could of handled everything going on at school for another day. I really don't wanna go back there on monday. So I'm just going to catch up on my sleep - I have purple bags under my eyes - and rest for once. Give my cuts from yesterday time to heal - no signs of infection, incase you're worried - and forget everything that's happened even if only for a short time, it would still be utter bliss. xx



There's a hand;
Reaching into the darkness,
Pulling me back towards ethereal white
.
Did we know this?
That we would be each others...
Never-ending light?


-My Thread-


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Old 24-09-2010, 10:56 PM   #33610
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Lia, hon, we're not lying to you. You know us better than that (I hope). We're being nice because it's honestly how we feel about you. You're not all the things you think you are - pathetic, dirty, useless, etc., etc. I'm not trying to invalidate those feelings because sadly they are very very real, but you AREN'T all those bad things. *gentle hugs* Proud of you for telling people here... and I don't know about you, but in a way, I think that those who think something may've happened but can't remember are worse off than those that know something has. I mean, I say this without being in the shoes of someone who HAS known that something has happened without it coming back in bits & pieces (that's me, repressed memories & all) and I am also NOT invalidating those who've experienced it and remembered it (SA, I mean), because either way it is AWFUL and should NEVER EVER BE. But... I mean, knowing for sure that it happened, SA or whatever experience have you, or being hazy on the details? I would prefer knowing that it happened, whether it's just everyday life or SA stuff. But sadly mine is all haphazard and broken up into bits. And it's not easier that way. May've been for a bunch of years ("my" SA stuff happened between the ages of 14 and 17) but then BAM a memory hits you and you can't stop thinking about it, it dominates your life and sometimes sends you in a tailspin (like me recently with the ED crap). But anyway, sorry, enough about me - I was just trying to explain what I meant before I offended anyone. :-S Hopefully I didn't, definitely didn't mean to!!! :-/

But yes, Lia, well done for telling the ward. :) *more hugs*

'Kay, now I'm gonna shut up before I seriously make someone angry... :-S



RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.


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Old 24-09-2010, 10:59 PM   #33611
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the devil telling me i must die i cant fight him

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Old 24-09-2010, 11:02 PM   #33612
shadow13
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Don't give in, don't give up Ryuu. Your stronger than this, we'll help you through it! Please...Don't give in.

And Lia, Well done for telling us. I may be young but I know that must have taken alot for you to write. I'm proud of you. You're not stupid or disgusting. If anyone on here thought that about you then they are. We all love you honey, don't give up, it'll be okay, it'll be okay.



There's a hand;
Reaching into the darkness,
Pulling me back towards ethereal white
.
Did we know this?
That we would be each others...
Never-ending light?


-My Thread-


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Old 24-09-2010, 11:05 PM   #33613
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Oh Lia. We could never throw you off the ward sweetheart. I don't want to invalidate your feelings either, but you're not disgusting or pathetic. No matter how much you feel like that. From what you said, you very well could be repressing memories. I did that for well over four years and even now some memories are still hazy. It's really **** thing to deal with. Sorry, I have stuff I want to stay that I think would help but struggling to get it out. But you're not alone in this darling. I promise you.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Ribenalion View Post
*cuddles Helen* I'm just scared of the pain afterwards, I'm such a wuss :( though I wish I could eat without feeling sick. Also I know mum will make my recovery awkward, she's been mean to the dog after his surgery. I worry too much.
You're not a wuss sweetheart. It's understandable that you're scared about the pain. I'm sure they'll give you painkillers or something to help you cope. *cuddles lots*



Have left RYL.

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Old 24-09-2010, 11:11 PM   #33614
shadow13
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okay, ummm help? The place I cut on my arm yesterday hurts everytime I move it. is this because the plaster is pulling at it or because i'm stretching the skin? I know this is a medical question but I'd prefer to ask it here cuz i know all of you. :( help? xx



There's a hand;
Reaching into the darkness,
Pulling me back towards ethereal white
.
Did we know this?
That we would be each others...
Never-ending light?


-My Thread-


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Old 24-09-2010, 11:18 PM   #33615
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Could be to do with the plaster. Is it showing signs of infection??



Have left RYL.

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Old 24-09-2010, 11:27 PM   #33616
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Thanks guys. I was so scared that you wouldn't believe me and I'm sorry for thinking any of you could be like that. It wasn't you, more me. I can't see why anyone should or would believe me. But thank you for your support. I guess you're right in a way April. It's awful not knowing, I can't even let myself get properly upset because it's like I don't deserve to since I don't even know what I'm meant to be upset over and it might be nothing and then what does that make me? Gah, stupid.

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Old 24-09-2010, 11:28 PM   #33617
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hugs lia.
sorry ingoure what i posted. not important. sorry curls up.

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Old 24-09-2010, 11:32 PM   #33618
MammaMia
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IceQueenHasAHeart View Post
Thanks guys. I was so scared that you wouldn't believe me and I'm sorry for thinking any of you could be like that. It wasn't you, more me. I can't see why anyone should or would believe me. But thank you for your support. I guess you're right in a way April. It's awful not knowing, I can't even let myself get properly upset because it's like I don't deserve to since I don't even know what I'm meant to be upset over and it might be nothing and then what does that make me? Gah, stupid.
Oh darling, I can understand why you thought we wouldn't believe you *cuddles tight* I know I'm not April, but what you said makes total sense. You're not stupid though.



Have left RYL.

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Old 24-09-2010, 11:32 PM   #33619
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Thanks Helen, don't know what I'd have done without you tonight *cuddes*

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Old 24-09-2010, 11:50 PM   #33620
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*Hugs all* I've never met any of you, but in some ways you're the best friends I could ever ask for.

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