Triggering (SI/Suicide) - ..... ( mentions abuse minorly )

[silverfaerychild]

i am suicidal..and wanting to cut again....

i've not gone to RIAZ events since thursday.

as my group home , thinks me going to RIAZ is rewarding bad behavior ( VIA cutting )

but its not RIAZ...i've tried telling them this...

and now even though i finally spoke about the abuse with one of the house staff's..

i since last night and a couple nights ago kept thinking about how to get a way to kill myself...or cut myself...by buying a tool..


*sigh* i..am so fcked up in the head

[88shelz]

im sorry you are strugglling right now.
can you try and talk to a trustworthy person about the abuse and why you are harming

[silverfaerychild]

i havent harmed yet...but a last week and and friday and saturday i did and monday.

and am suicidal and wanting to cut again

[88shelz]

what is causing you to feel this way right now?
have you anyone you can confide in>

[TinkerDebs]

why do you feel suicidakl? whats causing you rto feel that way?
can you talk to anyone?

[silverfaerychild]

here is a journal entry i wrote today

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Triggering

Since middle school i've prayed,wished i could die VIA car crash,or being hit by a car or some way to die and it never happend and every time it didnt i would feel disappointed or upset more.

Recently i've been stressed I'm thinking it could be old emotions surfacing and non dealt grief and feeling really disappointed for my failed suicide attempts in the past and dealing with the fear of abandonment from being adopted and not getting a return letter from my birth-grandmother to have my questions answered about my birth mom and dad. I always wonderif they are alive or dead or just back on drugs and alcohol or if my birth mom is looking for me or is thinking about me at all.


and the emotions of things in the past are surfacing such as being in elementry school I was the no.1 target for bullies and name called and had not much friends in school or the neighborhoods at all.

and i started cutting at age 12 just when i shaved my legs , i remember the first nic i my vision went black and i liked it then i started cutting everyday at the age of 16 on my wrist so since i was 12 i struggled with cutting since.

and now i've started having panic attacks recently and the stress ontop of that just became to much and i cut on friday and saturday and monday ( cant say what i used on here as it says in my entry ) and before that was i was feeling suicidal was thinking of ways to od or kill myself Via hanging or oding

I'll never be normal no one will see me as normal or so i feel and know i'll be hurting friends and family and my G/f by killing myself , but when i wake up i wish i didnt have to , cause to me its not worth it to wake and socialize with people and talk at all

sleep is peaceful

end entry 8/17/10

thats my entry

it might explain abit ..not sure

[TinkerDebs]

*glomp - big squish*
you seem very aware of the things that may be causing these feelings
is there anyway you could begin to target these reasons only slowly and one and a time to gradually start to feel better
or maybe talk through these things with somone
do you have any professional help?

[silverfaerychild]

i do ....but thankfully they put me on vistral at noon of 10 mg's

and its helped and i am stable now...which is nice and my cymbalta was up from 40 to 60

[Black_Star]

im sorry sounds awful just try and stay strong you can PM me if you want