There's no point in reaching out. I'm apparently just overreacting. And it's all my own fault. I love being told every single thing I do or think is just wrong. I have no job. I have no place to live. And everything else is just too much.
I went to go see a movie tonight by myself because it was something I wanted to see. Even that was overwhelming. I had my headphones with me and put those in because it was too loud to try to make it quieter. But then people kept laughing and talking for no reason and I wanted to stand up and yell at them. Then the person behind me was kicking my chair so I got up and moved.
It's pretty clear that it is me that is the problem.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I don't know what is going on. I should not be this excited. I should probably tell somebody but there is no point. Then it would not work. I don't know how to tell my roommates not to come in my room. I'm excited for it all to be over with, as stupid as that probably sounds. I'm not asking for support. I'm not asking for help. I just… I want to be heard. I feel excited but confused. My mother wants me to tell her about my day tomorrow. Everyone at work said they will miss me and to visit. My project advisor said she is excited for tomorrow and told me what I should bring and read over. And I'm just here laughing to myself because it's hilarious and they have absolutely no clue. None of it even matters. At all.
I probably should keep this in my rv. Sorry.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
It is okay to post it here, I'm glad you didn't keep it to your RV because you deserve for people to be able to reply to you and to allow you to know that you have been heard.
Although you haven't said what your plans are, I am quite worried about you. It sounds as if you are planning to commit suicide? You don't have to say anything you don't want to because I understand how personal it is and the fears of it not working if you were to say anything but remember, we are here to listen to you and support you.
I can relate to being excited when having plans to end my life, the idea of never having to face all the painful things I felt was incredibly enticing and although I was terrified, I was also excited so if that is what is going on for you, you aren't alone and it is okay to share that with us. Although of course I'm not saying it is a good thing to be excited about! I'm just trying to let you know that I do hear what you are saying.
I'm not sure if I'm on the right track at all or if I have missed something previously said, if I have I'm really sorry for being such an idiot!
I'm very very worried, I've been trying to keep an eye out for Carmen she is normally online now but hasn't been for several hours. I have to go to sleep I'll keep checking through the night.
Sorry Aimee. How on earth I managed to get admitted and talk them out of it I've no idea. I think they just needed to clear up a place. They really weren't happy about letting them go and I had to lie out my ass. Had a bit of food and going to have a shower. Not slept all night or day but energy!
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Yup. Tyler freaked out on me and called the cops. Handcuffed, cop car, taken to psych er for what should have probably been 72 hour hold. Handcuffs were way too tight- I have bruises on my wrists. Ow.
Doctor last night was an ass. Had to wait hours to even see him, and then he said he wanted to talk to Tyler before making a decision. Yet other staff told me I was definitely being admitted. He also told me he saw no distinction between self harm and suicide, and kept wondering if I was bipolar? WTF.
Talked to Justin early this morning who had talked to dr. NOT Tyler. Again told I was being admitted and there was nothing could be done.
Problem was, there were 12-14 of us in the psych er waiting for beds. They had called around the city and there were no beds. So we were all just waiting to be admitted SOMEPLACE. Meanwhile there are 6 hospital beds, all occupied, the 2 "quiet rooms" are occupied, and every chair is full. There is nothing to do besides the TV, and all the staff are in their office and really don't respond to any patient requests.
I finally got fed up this morning (after getting halfway through the second of three crappy books they had there) and made a fuss until they let me see the doctor. Was told she had 16 patients total and was the only doctor on staff.
Finally between me, Justin and Tyler showing up in person (and being told to go home as no visitors allowed in the ER), and convincing Tyler to call, I got to see the doctor again.
I heard the staff talking. They didn't want to let me go but I think they were desperate for a place. They kept getting calls to take new patients and refusing as they were at capacity, but called even an hour up north and couldn't find beds for anyone. I'm almost positive they knew I was lying.
But, managed to convince them that as long as I made an appointment with my doctor I could go home. Justin was meant to pick me up so I couldn't find him and walked halfway home before he found me.
Haven't eaten since dinner last night and its 4pm. Not slept. Finally took a shower and had a bit to eat but my stomach feels horrible. My eyeballs are itchy and I may try to sleep even though I have a lot of energy.
Still can't believe I was legitimately admitted and I managed to (badly) lie my way out of it. And then came home and rescheduled the appointment with the doctor for late next week. May even cancel that. Follow up care? No.
I shouldn't have been there. There was no need. The people there clearly needed care that they were not getting. I'm wondering how legal it is to keep people there. Some had been there multiple days, and there wasn't even a working shower! Was so angry and frustrated not just for myself but for everyone.
It seemed like I was the only one who really made a fuss, so that was why they let me go. Glad those other people are staying though so they can get some help.
I don't know. That sucked. Really mad with both Justin and Tyler for not only calling the police but physically restraining me until they arrived.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I'm sorry things have been so crazy for you. I don't know you all that well, but I'm wishing you the best of luck
*hugs*
We want it, we want, we want a reason to live. We need it, we need, we need more than this. Going through this life, looking for angels. People passing by, looking for angels. Walking down the streets, looking for angels. Everyone I meet, looking for angels.
I was trying to leave so the police wouldn't find me but Justin blocked the stairs and finally Tyler lifted me up and held me back and the police officers were inside and grabbed me as I tried to leave.
I slept for a couple hours. Think I'm crashing and feel like utter shit and the plans were ruined. But if I get caught saying or doing anything I'm fucked because there's no way I could get out of that again. I don't understand and I'm really tired of being told I'm ill and need to take this seriously blah blah blah
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Tyler did apologise so that was nice. I think once Justin and Tyler calmed down they realised what a mess the whole thing was. Justin said when they handcuffed me he wanted to tell them to stop, and I think once they realised that all they were doing was keeping us under observation at the hospital and not actually providing any treatment, they wanted me to come home. I guess they tried to set up a meeting of some kind with a doctor or social worker and were told no, that the decision was only in the hands of the doctor. So part of me feels lucky that they were willing to back me up even though I think they knew I was lying. I am still very angry with them though.
The doctor said I was very high risk. But she also said that she thinks I am most likely always very high risk. I'm not totally sure what that means. I did explain to them that my general behaviour and moods are by no means normal, but for me they are, and abnormal for me is going to be a bit different. That I did not lie about.
I told Justin and Tyler I might cancel the appointment with the doctor and Justin said if I do that he is calling the hospital to have me readmitted. I don't like this. They say they are worried that absolutely nothing has changed and the same thing will happen again.
This time I just feel like I need to keep my damn mouth shut.
Edit: I missed the orientation for my summer research program. I didn't have contact information for anyone, and when I told hospital staff I needed to be there for it they didn't care. So I came home and had to call my advisor and apologise. She wants me to bring in a discharge note to turn it to the program leader but all I have is the things with my diagnosis and the psych hospital stuff. I'm not about to ring the hospital back because I don't want them to say they changed their minds and they put me back on a hold. I don't want to do this anymore but I told my advisor I would be in to get started at 10am. Hoping I can manage some sleep. Our air conditioner stopped working so the apartment is warm.
I want to self harm but I am afraid if anyone finds out they will just put me back in hospital.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
How are you doing today Carmen? I hope you are doing/feeling at least a lil bit better *hugs*
~Matt~
Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
thanks Matt. I don't understand. Tyler and Justin say I need to get help but I don't think so. They both know I lied to the doctors in the hospital. Justin said he told the doctor I would which was not very nice. I had to lie otherwise they would have kept me there. If something was wrong and I needed help, I would know. So I don't get it.
I think Justin might call the police again if something happens. Tyler said he did not think he would. I really need to self harm but not sure I can keep it manageable. If I end up needing stitches or something I don't think I'd get lucky enough again. I think they would admit me.
I have started my summer research and I missed the first day but yesterday my advisor showed me some things to work on. I am in the lab today by myself. I've been here for almost 3 hours and I am really bored. I guess I may take a break and get a coffee, and probably pick up my key. I don't want to do this anymore though.
I still want to be dead. But the plans got ruined. So that just means a new one will have to happen.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Tyler lied. Yesterday he said I could stay here and live with him and his girlfriend. So I asked today if he meant it and he said he was joking and that I cannot stay here. That's not nice to joke about and I saw a place that was ok but I don't want to live there and I know I'm not going to find anything better or less expensive and I'd rather be dead.
I can't tell them that though and that means I need to fill out the papers to sign a lease and I just want to be dead.
i dont want to do this. i walked away from him in the middle of the conversation. there's no point.
fuck.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. I don't really have much advise right now. could you talk to Tyler and ask him why he lied to you and explain that, that was rude of him? *hugs* sorry I'm not much help right now
“Because everything that goes around comes around. Maybe it's luck or maybe it's fate, but either way, it comes back around."
Rest in Love Sar-sis. I'll see you the next time around hopefully <3 12/11/92-05/18/16
AJs mommy ❤️ 11/26/17
Married to my best friend and Soulmate 3/5/18 ❤️💍
I did. He said it was a joke. I NEVER understand his jokes and I always take them seriously. He said he thought I would have known it was a joke because of how ridiculous it was but clearly it wasn't ridiculous to me. I don't know.
Whatever. It's probably way too late for it but I feel like I need to self harm. I said I'd be in to meet my advisor tomorrow morning at 10am which means I need to not be stupid and need stitches or medical attention because I need to get some sleep. I just really don't even fucking care. I don't want to fill out the paperwork to sign a new lease. I don't want to be alive.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
thanks beckie. basically he said i could stay there as long as i didn't care if he and his girlfriend walked around naked and had sex on the couch. knowing him i knew he probably would but I didn't take that part seriously. just the staying and living there still. i don't know.
i haven't filled out the paperwork for the new place. i don't want to. L said filling out hte paperwork doesn't take the option of dying away from me but i do not know.
i don't feel safe and i didn't even want to come in today. i was almost an hour late and felt guilty.
tyler refused to let me have any of his pills and i am contemplating taking them from his room but i am afraid he may get mad. justin did when i brought it up.
i'd rather od or cut and just not do any of this. i feel like an idiot and it's clear i don't know what i am doing. don't know why she picked me.
i am trying to do what i am supposed to but i cant tell if i am just so tired or what that i keep almost falling over while standing up. i did get some sleep.
she wants to meet up "after lunch" which is in an hour and get started on something new and show me what to do. but i will only have been here for 2 hours and that is not lunch to me. i do want to go get a coffee because maybe that will help but have not been here long enough to justify a break- and i am already technically taking a break to type this.
fuck i don't know. i'm sorry. thank you both though. <3
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
