doctors are moronic

Kelly* · 29-09-2009, 03:23 AM

To make a long story short. This summer I've basically been in treatment on and off. I was in residential for a month starting june 6th.. then i went to a partial hospitalization program for 3 weeks, and then back into the residential program for another month. I've currently been in the partial hospitalization program for about a month to this date. My eating disorder is mostly purging and restricting, and this summer i really decreased the frequency of using behaviors by a lot, and i'm happy about that. But it still pretty much terrifies me. I feel so much bigger, and i know I've gained since residential.

To address the title of my thread, I went to the doctors this past friday for a regular follow up appointment. She weighed me, did my vitals, and took blood , like the normal routine. I know i gained, but i asked my doctor anyways, and she told me an exact number and i freaked out. She also told me to start exercising 4 or 5 times a week for a couple hours. This killed me. I felt like all the "work" towards recovery i had done was basically failure. I know it was failure toward my ED, but it hurt me so much. Since friday I've been struggling a lot. I know its been only a couple days, but today struck me. It felt like one of my normal ED days, before treatment. My every thought was consumed by my eating disorder and i couldn't get away from it. I'm so scared I'm going to slip down and spiral out of control again. I feel like i should be ready to recover and be over this. I know recovery is a process and it has no set path, but i've disappointed people countless times and i just cant do this anymore. I know i should be moving on with my life, but i just can't seem to let ED go. Its the only thing thats never left me. Its what i know, and I'm scared to let it go completely.

I'm stepping down to intensive out patient this thursday because of insurance. Less care isn't going to help me, and i just am lost. I feel like everything thats happened this summer is going to waste, and I know its all my fault. I'm a failure, and a disappointment. any advice or words guys. this was long and basically rambles so i apologize.

Stellata · 29-09-2009, 07:17 AM

It sounds like you're feeling pretty conflicted with it all?

And, to address the title of your thread, because it shows some black and white thinking, and it might help you to expand perspective on your recovery if you see it from another angle. Doctors in themselves aren't 'moronic'. There are doctors who handle patients empathically and sensitively. The way in which the doctor you saw managed communicating things with you maybe wasn't the best sensitive way of handling things. I'm interested in finding out how you would have preferred her to handle it - what could she have said and done better so that you felt supported in your recovery?