Visiting family is killing me inside...

singing potato · 20-11-2012, 08:23 AM

I am going to give you the short version. Last year my best friend, Brian, from Michigan flew out to California to take me back to live with him because he had to talk me out of suicide almost every day. I had to threaten suicide before my family saw how much I was hurting and wasn't necessarily ok with me leaving, but let me go.

While living in Michigan I realized I would have never got over my past living with my family, my mom brings it up so much how could I ever get over it? I talked to both my brothers once since I left. My mom adopted more of a best friend/guilt tripper role, than a mother.

Now I am back home visiting and completely utterly miserable. Before I left they said they would change, NOTHING IS DIFFERENT!!! If anything things are worse! The first day I was here my brother, Casey, didn't even acknowledge my existence. My mom said he was mad because I am here for a visit and not here to stay, but he never shows he cares or loves me. Casey blocks emotions, and in doing so has become my father, not a good thing. That night he put me in tears, I overheard him saying things about me. I just drove and cried, and was seriously contemplating killing myself.

Now that I am here no one cares at all. My brothers are barely home. My mom is overbearing, but that is understandable. None of my friends want to see me. The only friend that wants to see me, her mom is crazy and won't let her.

I knew coming back would only hurt me... But now I am thinking. If threatening suicide did nothing to change anything, maybe going through with it will. I know what you are going to say, talk to them. They won't listen, they are far too stubborn that if I map out with great detail how I feel and what they are doing they won't get it, and if they do they will change for two weeks, a month tops, then back to the same old thing. There is almost no point in trying anymore, it never gets through to them. I have never tried killing myself, maybe that is what it is going to take...

Buttons. · 20-11-2012, 11:40 AM

I'm sorry to hear that things are so difficult with your family, could you perhaps sit them down when things are a bit calmer and explain what it is that you are finding difficult? If that seems to hard some people find writing a letter helps, even if they never give it to the person in question.

james21 · 20-11-2012, 02:03 PM

Hi - please don't do anything rash like suicide -as if you think about it,you prob in five or so years from now will be a different person to who you arenow - new job/ friends...new circumstances ECT - if that makes sense

- my best friend died very young a few weeks ago (31)he was older -

so my advice is to be happy and nice to others and good things will happen

- you're going to die at some point in your life (we all do) - so don't wish it away

Tessar · 20-11-2012, 02:31 PM

Hmmmmm I just read the subject of this thread & thought "sounds so familiar to me". Didnt even need to read any details to relate to it. Last time I "went home" to my parents (a year ago, tho I have seen them in the last month near where I live) it was not good at all. One of my abusive brothers was there & although we're middle-aged adults now, it felt just like "being back home again". he was trying to annoy me but I wouldnt bite.My mother (now very elderly) had reverted right back into her behaviour from when we were growing up. Angry; ranting alot - targetting me even when I was quiet. What a waste of time, no it was worse than that, it stressed me so bad for weeks.
Sorry to go on but it is quite triggering for me reading these things. It makes me feel alot of anger - even anger for people like you too. angry that there are people making you feel bad. I am not at all surprised about your feelings of misery. They really get in your head dont' they? Like poising seeping into your mind.
Hollow promises eh - "Before I left they said they would change". I've never been able to to have a conversation with my parents about my past bullying & emotional abuse. one of my brothers (who was one of my bullies) has had a very sad life. he tried to talk to my parents & was desperate for help. they turned him away.
Again it doesnt surprise me that things are worse! The things you describe about Casey are so hard to contend with. I'm glad that you are on here sharing how you feel. I know it doesnt solve anything but really having shared I'm hoping you feel a little bit better. sometimes it's like writing a journal & helps to clarfiy things. I find myself reading back what i've put. then i realise that actually there is so much going on its no wonder there is high stress levels involved.
The thing is that whilst it would be wonderful to have a loving & caring family that you can fit in with, this doesnt seem to be something that will be possible. I am facing facts along those lines with my family. In middle age, I am finally coming to terms with the fact that my now elderly parents didnt love me. I wish we'd had a closer family, one where we loved each other & thre was no arguing, bullying, emotional abuse etc. How I longed for a feeling of warmth amonst my family but it never came. It's now down to me to work on these realisations no matter how hard they may be. i need to face facts.
In the same way as you, being with my family is detrimental for my health. The feelings it triggers are very powerful too. So I can relate to the strength of your emotions. In fact, talking of strength, I think you are a strong person, although probably it may not feel that way. Now that you are fully aware that coming back has caused you hurt, I wonder, if like me you can start to move on? Because my family cause me pain, I am now limiting how often I see them. Ihavent spoken to my parents in about a month. the longest gap in my life i think. this makes me feel guilty sometimes. i nearly caved in at the weekend & rang my mum. but had I done so, instead of getting what i've always hoped for (a nice warm conversation with a loving mother) it woudl have just highlighted to me again the shortcomings of my family & why I am avoiding contact with them.
I wouldnt suggest talking to them. If I think of my own situation, talking to them is now pointless. i have tried over the years to change things but they arent willing to change. someone said to me the other day that you cant change people. i dont think your family will get it. again if i compare to my situation, they just wont face any of it. hard though it is for me to accept they are never going to provide me with what i want, i need to deal with my feelings to move on
oh, i wonder if you've had any therapy or counselling? ive done cbt (a few years back) which was very helpful - made me much more confident & gave me more assertiveness skills. the counselling i'm having at the moment is helping me to deal with the feelings rising from deep within (all about past hurts my family inflicted on me). i believe it's possible for you to make changes in YOUR life - and i know it may not be easy. it is a journey that you end up going on but one which is safer & easier to follow under guidance of a health professional.
Well, singing potato, sorry to go on so much, i'm not very good at "putting things in a nutshell". it helps me get stuff out of my system when i am writing like this - but more importantly i wanted to try & 'let it flow' in the hope my ramblings can be of some comfort to you...

Scaredy-cat · 20-11-2012, 05:43 PM

If they dont want to change, probably they wont just because you do something drastic. Far better to distance yourself a bit, and only see them for short lengths of time. Much as that hurts, it is definieptely the better option for you

singing potato · 20-11-2012, 11:10 PM

Like I said before, talking to them do no good because they simply just don't get it. I have tried before and they are too hard headed and stubborn to realize what they are doing. We have never been a "talking" family anyways, but everyone says it is my duty to talk to them first. Why me? Why is it always MY job? Communication is a two way street and they are the ones who are older.

Tessar · 20-01-2013, 12:17 PM

singing potato; I'm wondering how you are getting on. This whole "everyone says it is my duty to talk to them first" .... rubbish isnt it? Indeed as you rightly say.... Why me? Why is it always MY job?
Well, it's not. You are right - Communication is a two way street and even if they werent older, they'd still have a part to play in speaking first.
Families, they do my head in!

SnowTiger · 20-01-2013, 04:46 PM

They aren't worth committing suicide over, I promise. You're so much better to completely cut ties with them than to give your life for them, or attempt to. Why they are the way they are I don't know, and you can spend a lifetime speculating and never knowing, you're better to just resolve that they are the way they are. It doesn't mean they don't love or care about you, it just means they are set in their ways and due to that are very toxic to you. You've talked and talked to them, you've threatened suicide, you've moved across the country. Your death or near death isn't going to change them. At best they'd change for a while, but slowly they would go back to their old ways. It's not personal, nobody on the planet could change them. Can you honestly ever see them really changing? That's not a question I'm asking you to answer here, but on your own time to yourself. The fantasy of attempting suicide and showing your family how bad you feel, and subsequently changing them is just that, a fantasy, not reality and even if it were, they aren't worth it. There comes a point when enough's enough and the best thing you can do is, to put it frankly, cut your losses and move on. There is so much more to life beyond the family you were born to.

You can have your own life, completely separate to your family's and even completely without them in it if that's what you want to do (and what I think you should seriously consider judging by your post). How is your life in Michigan? Are you generally happy, or at least not suicidal? You have your best friend, who obviously loves you very much, and maybe other things too like school, a job, people you've met? My point being, you have your life there. Your own life. You're only back with your family visiting, you're not staying. You don't ever have to come back again if you don't want to. Your relationship with your family is just one part of your life now, they don't have to be your everything or even a significant part of your life anymore. You're not stuck with your family; you have a life and future beyond them.

My mother's family are similar to yours and she wasted so many years on them, hoping they'd change and always ending up sorely disappointed & hurt, wondering why they were the way they are and never finding the answer. She's in her 50s now and finally has nothing more to do with them, and is so much happier. She doesn't miss them at all because there's nothing to miss; all they ever were was toxic and a negative influence. I'm sure my mum's family does love and care about her, but at the end of the day that isn't enough unless you consistently display it to some degree outwardly.

I'm telling you this because I've seen how much my mum has struggled with her relationship with her family even in my lifetime and I'd hate for you to go down the same track. There are so many people I see who have awful, toxic families that they wouldn't give the time of day if they were anyone else yet because they're their family they feel obligated, and it causes them a lifetime of misery. Why they bother, I don't know, because society expects them to, to respect your parents no matter what they've done, family is the most important thing, to guarantee they always have someone to spend Christmas with, that kind of thing. It's never a happy Christmas though, you know? And then I also see a lot of people who have cut ties or have very little to do with their families because they are so unfavourable and they are very happy. And honestly, if you really want to teach your family a lesson, having a happy, successful life and denying them any access or credit is going to teach them the biggest lesson of all.

I hope what I've written makes sense and isn't just senseless rambling! I wish you the very best of luck for the future, and I really am sorry your family is the way they are. Due to my own family circumstances it's an issue close to my heart and I wanted to reply. If you ever want to talk, please feel free to PM me. Stay strong, I'll be thinking of you ♡

ETA: I didn't realise this post was from November, sorry. Everything I've said still stands though and I hope you're okay Singing Potato :)

Tessar · 20-01-2013, 08:17 PM

That's a brilliant post SnowTiger and I feel what u say would be relevant to anyone having problems with their family.
You are right about Being very hard to cut the ties and yes people (including me) do waste time trying to change family members. I'm currently fighting just that battle. its a mixture of stopping myself pleasing my family for no return and not feeling guilty for reducing contact to the bare minimum. But it was ingrained in me to respect my parents... I was indoctrinated. So I agree it's best to break free once you realise how unhealthy it is. For me I made that realisation much later in life than I'd wished but at least I finally have.