Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - Story

[Yan-yan]

I'm not a very good at wrighting this is only my second attempt of writghting a story, I hope it go's better then the first. Sorry if its crap.

Chapter 1

It was the first time I had been out in weeks. I had been feeling really down in the past couple of weeks so I had just been isolating myself in my room. I was stood outside my best friend Katie’s house we had been for a walk, It was dark and I knew it must have been late I was having such a laugh I didn’t want to go home. Katie was been silly making me laugh so much. I couldn’t remember the last time I laughed like that. Before long Katie said; “Right Jenna I think I’m going to get in now I’m tiered do you want me to walk your round?”
“No I’ll be alright”. I said laughing at her offer.
It takes me less then a minute to get home from Katie’s I only live round the corner. I said my goodbyes to Katie gave her a hug and then set off on the short walk home.

As I was walking round the corner to my house I seen a boy walking up towards me. I recognised the walk but it was dark I couldn’t see who it was. As we got closer the boy slowed down. I didn’t know who it was so I just carried on walking.
“Jenna?” He asked.
The second I heard that voice I knew who it was.
“John!” I screamed with excitement as I ran towards him and gave him a big hug. John and I had been friends since we was in primary school and went out for a little while in year nine, but now we was just really good friends. I was really happy to see him I hadn’t seen him for at least two months. I guess I was kind of avoiding him since he got a girlfriend I was a bit jealous I guess.

“What you been up to? I haven’t seen you in ages”. John said.
“Ohh I have been really busy with stuff sorry I haven’t been in touch.” I lied.
“No worries. Do you fancy coming for a walk I haven’t seen you for too long we need to catch up”.
I wanted to go so much but I knew it was late and I should be in.
“Errm well alright then come to mine with me first so I can tell my mum”.
We walked across the road towards my house. Within twenty seconds we was there. John waited at the back door as I walked through to the living room to tell my mum that I was staying out longer. She was asleep on the couch. So I went out anyways.

I stepped out my back door and looked at John. He started walking. On our walk we was talking about the laughs we used to have when we used to hang out. I was looking at him as we was chatting and I kept getting butterflies in my stomach. I was thinking about how much I used to like him, not just as a friend, and how much it hurt when we drifted apart. I was questioning myself, maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to go on this walk. Maybe I can’t just be friends. I was having such a good chat with him, and I was really happy to be hanging out with him again it just hurt, he didn’t know how I felt about him. I didn’t even know how I felt. I just knew that I wanted him around forever. Did I just love him as a friend after all we have known each other since we were young kids.

We got to a field about five minutes away from my house. It was the field we used to all hang out on at the weekend, me, John and our friends. We both walked onto the field, I sat down on the grass, John sat down too. He put his arm around me and squeezed my shoulder so I was close to him. I had the biggest smile on my face. Still talking he laid down on the grass looking at the stars. I sat with my legs crossed just looking at him as he spoke.
I asked him;
“Are you still with you girlfriend?”
“Nah it didn’t work out”. He said. I didn’t ask any questions, he didn’t seem like he wanted to talk about it much.
“I’ve really missed you I hope you know that”. He said with a big smile on his face he looked as though he was about to start laughing.
I didn’t know what to say it was kind of awkward I just burst out laughing. I wasn’t laughing at what he said it was just funny the way he came out with it.
“I’ve missed you too”. I said as I stopped laughing.
John sat up and grabbed my hand. Holding my hand he starred straight at me. I felt kind of embarrassed and I didn’t know where to look. I was staring down at my leg. I glanced up and looked in his eyes. He lent in and kissed my I got butterflies again. It felt like the world had stopped still. I forgot all my worries. I forgot everything that was going on at home. I didn’t want to go home I wanted to stay there in his arms forever.
I felt safe!

John laid back down. I laid down with him this time resting my head on his chest. He leaned over me and kissed me again. Running his hands through my hair, then he started to run his hand up the inside of my leg. When he got too high up I pushed his hand away slowly still kissing him. Then he ran his hand up the outside of my leg which I didn’t mind, he tried to unbutton my jeans but I pushed his hand away again. The next time he got more persistent trying to unbutton my jeans again I stopped kissing him trying to push his hand away for the third time. Although I trusted him it didn’t stop me from feeling uncomfortable with the situation.
“Don’t” I said.
“Come on don’t be like that”. He said laughing.
I wasn’t sure what to say so I laughed along with him. I felt really stupid. I liked him so much. I didn’t want to make him unhappy.

As he stopped laughing he smiled and kissed me again. I didn’t think he would try any thing again, he gently pushed me down so I was laying down on the grass he was holding my hands by my side. Then he let go of one of my hands and grabbed my leg again pushing his hand up the inside of my leg I was so embarrassed I wanted him to like me, but I didn’t want this. I tried to push it away again, but he seemed so much stronger. I felt weak and powerless. I stopped kissing him.
“Stop!” I said.
But he didn’t. He pushed his lips against mine. I had my mouth shut tight. He started unbuttoning my jeans. This time he was successful. Turning my head on a side so he couldn’t kiss me.. I said;
“Please don’t get off me”. He had his full body pushed against mine, I felt helpless I couldn’t move.
By this time my jeans where unzipped and he was forcing his hand down my knickers I could feel his hand down there, it seemed to last forever I felt sick.
I started to cry.
“What you doing? Get off me”.
He took his hand away. I thought it was over, then I felt that hand again underneath my top grabbing me. I had my eyes shut tight I didn’t want to open them I didn't want to see that it was him one of my oldest friends doing this to me.
I felt him lift up off me I couldn’t feel his weight on me any more.

I opened my eyes. He was on his knee’s staring at me. I couldn’t move I was so scared. John stood up and grabbed my hands and pulled me to my feet. I just stood there I didn’t know what to do or what to say.
Then he lent over I thought he was going to kiss me again. I closed my eyes again and cringed, but he didn’t kiss me he whispered in my ear; “I bet you loved that”.
I froze I thought I made it clear that I didn’t want that, but I didn’t dare say I didn’t.
“I wanna go home”. I said quietly.

[Yan-yan]

Thank You =]
I wasn't expecting any replys for it. I've nearly finished the next chapter, im gonna try to improve chapter by chapter. Practice makes perfect eh?

[Yan-yan]

I think this chapter is a bit better then the last. I hope people like it. "/ If not im gonna carry on writing anyway lol. I can still improve.

Very SI Triggering

Chapter 2

I stood at my back door I took a moment to wipe the mascara from my cheeks. I was hoping my mum was still asleep, I didn’t want her questioning me about why I’d been crying.
I didn’t know what time it was. All I knew was that it was late and that I had to be up for school in the morning. I opened my back door and stood there in the kitchen for a moment. Please be asleep. I thought as I walked over to the door and popped my head around the door to check if my mum was still asleep. I sighed with relief when I found her asleep on the couch. I went back into the kitchen, and got myself a glass of water, trying to be as quiet as I possibly could be. I looked up at the clock I was surprised to see that it was only 1:30am the night seemed to be so long. How could it only be 1:30? I asked my self.

I went up stairs and turned shower on. All I could think about was getting in the shower. I felt so dirty and disgusting. I stood in the bathroom taking my cloths off slowly as I watched the shower run. I turned the shower up to full heat and got it I watched the water trickle down my skin and the steam coming off. I watched my skin go red from the heat. I was so confused I just stood there in the show staring into space. I picked the razor up off the windowsill and started to shave my legs. Without noticing I started to shave my arms. Every time I dragged the razor along my arm I pushed it down harder. That wasn’t enough I deserved to be in pain. I deserved what John did. I led him on it was my fault. I should be apologising to him. I started to break the razors snapping the handle off, I couldn’t get the blades out. I got out of the shower leaving it running. Dripping wet I walked into my room and opened the draw to my dressing table and took out a pair of scissors. I ran back into the shower taking the razor again and breaking it with the scissors. I cracked the plastic off and took one of the blades.

Holding it between my index finger and my thumb I stuck it into my thigh. I felt so much relief as I pulled it along my skin. Almost like “That’s better” kind of feeling, but it still wasn’t better I needed to do it again and again and again after all, I did deserve it. I looked down as I dragged the blade down the inside of my thigh over and over again. I watched the water from the shower wash the blood right down my leg and onto the show floor turning the blood into a see throw red.

Still bleeding I put the blade down on the windowsill. Picked up the flannel and soap. I started scrubbing my body I just wanted to feel clean again. Scrubbing my legs antil I felt them burn. I wanted to feel my skin burn away. I hated my self. I was a fat lazy disgusting pig. Just utterly worthless.

Finally I turned the shower off. I reached over and picked the towel up off the radiator. I wrapped it around the self inflicted wounds on my leg, and held it there for about twenty seconds before removing it to view the damage. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it had stopped bleeding, but was really stinging. I wrapped the towel around myself and walked off into my bedroom. I put some clean pyjamas on and got into bed.
I did feel that little bit better but, the night was just going round and round in my head. I didn’t understand what happened. I still didn’t think that John would do anything to purposely hurt me. I still missed him. It wasn’t his fault it mine. My own stupid fault! I felt so guilty for leading him on like that and maybe I didn’t make it clear enough. Maybe he thought I wanted him to do it. I stopped thinking about what happened and started thinking about all the old times when John and I used to hang out. I missed that John the John that cheered me up when I was down. The John that turned my frown into a smile. My friend John, who gave me shoulder to cry on when I needed it. The John I saw at the beginning of the night. Where did he go. I need him now I need him to make me smile; I need his shoulder to cry on. I need him to protect me from bad John.

As I lay there with all these thoughts running through my head. I closed my eyes I was mentally and physically exhausted. I just wanted my body to give up and sleep, I was so tiered.

I must of dozed off because the next thing I heard was;
“Jenna!” It was my mum screaming from the bottom of the stairs. I wanted to get up before she started an argument, but I couldn’t get up. My mind was telling me to but I was still so tiered. It felt like I had only been asleep for a minute. I tried to ignore my mum and go back to sleep. I was dozing off and then I heard her shout again this time she sounded angry;
“Jenna its quarter past eight are you getting up you lazy little cow.”
“I’m up”. I shouted. Although I wasn’t up. I was awake, but I wasn’t up.
I must of drifted back off because I heard my mother come stomping up the stairs. She dragged my covers off me.
“You better get up now!” she said.
“I don’t feel very well”. I said squinting my eyes trying to look at her.
“You don’t feel well? Your pathetic you get a little cough and you think your dying your so ****ing dramatic. I’ll make you feel unwell if you aren’t up in two minutes!”
Before I could say anything she walked out of my room and slammed the door shut behind her.

I forced myself out of bed and walked to the bathroom ohh crap I thought as I noticed that I didn’t moved the broken razor from the bathroom. I was pretty sure my mum hadn’t seen it. So I moved it and put it in the bin in my room. I didn’t throw the blade away I hid in a book that I then put in my dressing table.

After I cleared all the evidence of my self destructive shower. I started to get ready for school. Washing my face and brushing my teeth before I started to put on my make-up. I was ready by 9:00am. School started at 8:30am but they never say anything if I turn up late.

I got downstairs and there was my mum sat on the couch with her two laptops around her, she was always on her laptops. I hated the bloody things.
“Can I have my dinner money?” I asked.
She took another drag of her cigarette, then put it down in the ashtray. She started routing throw her handbag, then handed me two pound coins.
“Thanks” I said I took a cigarette out of her packet and said;
“I’ll see you later”.
“Alright then.” She replied.



My day at school went by quickly. Especially maths Katie and I have the same maths lesson, and she always spends it making me laugh it was the last lesson of the day and I didn’t want to go home. I never wanted to go home when I was with my friends. I wanted to stay there laughing forever, because I knew when I got home I wouldn’t do much laughing. My mum never made me laugh. My mum and I barley spoke. She lived downstairs and I lived upstairs. I was past caring though. I had only been living with her for six months she had just done a four year sentence in prison. She didn’t know me, although she thought she did. She’s been in and out of prison all my life. My grandparents brought me up, and they did a good job. I was always happy I just wish I could return to that.

Ding ding ding! It was the bell. I stayed in my seat and looked around the classroom. To see everyone standing up and putting there coats on. Then I stood up to, I put my coat on and swung my bag over my shoulder. Our maths teacher let us go row by row. Katie and I made our way out of school pushing past all the year sevens that was running around the corridors.

We walked towards the school gates still chatting and laughing, Katie paused for a second before saying;
“Isn’t that John!” I swung my head around and looked up at the school gates it was John. I felt my heart beating fast. He was stood with another lad about his age.
“I haven’t seen him in ages. What’s he doing here.” Katie said. She sounded happy to see him. What was he doing here that was a good question he left school last year.
“I don’t know”. I said.

[sdixon]

wow, this is good

[Yan-yan]

Triggering - Substance abuse, Sexual abuse/rape

Chapter 3

As we got closer to the school gates, John and his friend came walking towards Katie and me. Katie gave John a hug.
“How come you’re here?” She asked?
“Thought I’d come and meet Jen.” He replied before putting his arm out to hug me. I hugged him I didn’t know how I felt about him been there. I was happy to see him. I shouldn’t of been but I was. I didn’t say anything. He had a can of cider in his hand and what looked like more in a carrier bag. He handed Katie one.
“No thanks my mums at home I don’t wanna go in stinking of booze.” She told him, refusing his offer. He handed me the can that Katie refused. I took it and opened.
“I knew you’d have one.” He said kindly laughing.
I laughed too.
“You know me well don’t you.” I said still laughing.

I wandered who John’s friend was he was very quiet. He was holding a can of cider in one hand the same kind that John was drinking. In the other hand he held a spliff. He looked about seventeen or eighteen same age as John.
“What you doing tonight?” John asked me and Katie.
“I don’t know yet.” I replied.
“Seriously? You don’t know its Friday night! You should know” He said jokingly.
“Well I was gonna pop round to Katie’s or something.” I replied.
“Well I’m having a party tonight why don’t you and Katie come to mine instead.”
Before I could say anything Katie got all exited;
“Yeh! We will do won’t we Jen.” She said
“Yeh you can invite Liam can’t you,” I said spitefully.
Liam’s Katie’s boyfriend I always get jealous when Katie gets friendly with John I know she’s my best friend but I always felt like she did it on purpose to wind me up. She’s mush prettier then me and she knows it. She was always flirting with him.
“Ohh yeh invite Liam I haven’t seen him in a while.” John said. I was pleased that John wanted Liam to go it means he didn’t like Katie in any way that would make me jealous.

Swigging my can of cider I asked John;
“How come your having a party anyways?”
“Its Friday Duh and its my first party in my new flat.” He said.
“New flat? You got your own flat? I thought you meant the party was at your mums or a friend’s house.” I said sounding surprised.
“I know so did I.” Katie agreed.
“Nah I’ve been living there for nearly 3 weeks now I’ve just finished getting it all sorted. Its on First lane.”
“Not far then.” Katie said.
“Here mate.” Johns friend said passing him the spliff. It was the first time I had heard him speak. He looked really high.
“Do you still smoke that!” I said to John sounding a little disappointed.
“Yeh why don’t you?” Said John
“Yeh but not all the time like you do!” I replied.
He put his hand out to pass it to me.
“No I’m aright thanks.” I said refusing the joint he was trying to hand me.

It was strange on the way home I was talking to John it was like nothing had happened the night before. I didn’t feel scared. I didn’t even think about it. It was like I’d forgot. I was actually looking forward to the party. I thought he’s a good person I’m just stupid.
Half way through the walk home from school John said;
“Well where going this way, but we’ll be seeing you both tonight.”
“Alright then.” Katie said giving John a hug.
“See you later.” I said giving him an hug after Katie.
Katie and I said bye to his friend too and then carried on walking home.

“So you getting ready at mine tonight?” Katie asked.
“Erm I don’t know I think I’m gonna get ready at home.” I told her.
“Okay I’ll get ready at yours then.” She said.
“Yeh alright then.” I replied as I took my last mouthful of cider and threw the can.
On the way to my house we talked about what we’re going to where to the party and who we thought might be there. Katie told me that she wasn’t going to invite Liam because they had been arguing a lot lately. This annoyed because I was worried about her flirting with John. Especially when she’d got a couple of drinks down her, I acted as though I didn’t mind.

We got to Katie house. Katie told me she would be at mine in about half an hour and that she’s just gonna get her stuff ready. I gave her a hug and carried on walking home.

When I got home, I walked through the living room to see my mum still sat where she was when I left the house. I didn’t say anything to her I just walked right past her and headed up to my room. I got to my room and started to tidy it up for Katie coming.
Ring ring,, It was the phone I raced down the stairs to answer it.
“Hello.” I said cheerfully.
“Hiya.” It was Katie.
“I’m coming to yours in about ten minutes.” Katie told me.
“Oki doki then.” I said.
“Bye.” She said before putting the phone down.

It wasn’t long before Katie got to my house. My mum must of let her in because I didn’t hear anyone at the door. She walked into my room and threw her bag on my bed. We started getting ready. She pulled a couple of cans of larger out her bag and handed me one.
“Thanks.” I said as I carried on applying my make-up.
She pulled out another six cans of larger out her bag and asked me;
“Where shall I put these?”
“Wherever just put them on the floor, or go put them in the fridge if you want.” I said.
“No I feel real cheeky your mums downstairs.” She replied.
My bedroom door opened. I turned my head round It was my mum. Katie looked uncomfortable Putting the can she was drinking down on the floor.
“Where you going tonight.” My mum asked.
“Just to Johns he’s having a party.” I explained, taking another swig of my can, and placing it on the floor as I carried on doing my make-up.
“Who’s cans are those?” She asked.
“Katie’s do you want one?” I replied.
She picked on up off the floor.
“You don’t mind do you Katie?” She asked already opening it.
“No not at all.” Katie told her.
“Thanks darl. Alright then I’ll leave you girls to get ready.” Mum said leaving the room.

Katie and I where both ready by 6 o’clock. We finished the rest of the cans. I was already feeling a little tipsy. Katie called John on his mobile and asked him to come and meet us as we didn’t know where John lived. He told her to meet him at the beer off not far from my house.

When we got there John was already there.
“John you gonna go in shop for us before we go to yours.” I asked.
“What do you want?” He asked.
Katie handed him seven pounds fifty and I did the same.
“Get us the fifteen pound bottle of Vodka.” Katie said.
He didn’t say anything e just went in shop. Katie and Me waited round the corner.
It wasn’t long before John came out of shop with a plastic carrier in each hand. He carried out bag back to his place for us.

After a five minute walk we come to a two block set of flats. We walked throw the door and I noticed we were surrounded by doors. The doors where marked my numbers 1, 2, 3, 4. John reached in his pocket and pulled out a key as he walked towards door 3. John walked in. Katie and I followed. We walked throw straight into a room there was about fix boys sat in the room drinking beers, and one girl who looked a little older then Katie and Me, she was sat with the boy we met earlier on, the one that came with John to meet me from school. I assumed this girl was Johns friends girlfriend.

John handed Katie the carrier bag that had our vodka in it. Katie took the Vodka out of the carrier bag.
“**** I forgot to bring something to mix it with.” Katie said.
“Well we’ll take a walk to shop.” I told her.
“Ohh I’ve got some lemonade here if you want it.” The girl who was sat with Johns friends said.
She handed me a 2 litre bottle of lemonade.
“Thank you sorry what’s your name?” I said sounding greatful for the lemonade.
“Beth.” She said smiling.
“Well now I know it. I’m Jenna.” I said laughing.
“John have you got any glasses or cups.” I asked him.
“Yeh I’ll go get you some.” He said standing up.
“Beth do you want a drink.” I asked.
“Ohh go on then.” She said.
“Bring three glasses in.” I shouted to John.
John came back throw with 3 mugs, and put them on the floor where Katie and I was sat.

Katie made the drinks I watched fill the cups half with vodka and half lemonade. She passed Beth a cup. I watched Beth cringe as she took a sip of her drink.
“Its strong.” She said. Everyone laughed.

After my first glass I was feeling drunk. Throw the night more and more people where arriving. Katie left at 10’oclock. She got Liam to come and meet her from Johns. I was very drunk by the time Katie left Katie was drunk too. The vodka had gone and I was now drinking cider that john was sharing with me. I had enough to drink but for some reason I just couldn’t stop. I drank and drank more and more. I was so drunk, I could barley walk.

I laid on the floor everyone was chatting drinking and some where smoking weed. The music was loud. I closed my eyes and I could feel the room spinning I felt like I was going to vomit but I couldn’t move to get to the bathroom. I managed to get to my feet and stagger to the bathroom falling into walls on the way. I lent over the toilet and was sick two or three times. John came into the bathroom as I was been sick and shut the door behind him. Patting and rubbing my back as I vomited.
“Are you okay?” He asked.
“Yeh.” I said although I don’t know what it sounded like I couldn’t get and words out. I reached for the can of cider that John had in his hand. I took a swig then handed it back.
“I think you’ve had enough.” John laughed.
“mm.” I replied and slompt down on the bathroom floor. Closing my eyes to go to sleep.
“Come on you can get in my bed everyone will be going soon.” John said.
“No I’m fine here.” I mumbled.
I felt John pick me up off the floor.
“I can walk!” I attempted to shout.
“Fine walk then!” John said shouting back.
I stood up and grabbed the door handle but I missed and fell head first into the door smacking my head, and falling on the floor.
“Yeh you can walk just fine can’t you.” John said sarcastically as he picked me up off the floor. He carried me to his room and put me on a mattress that was on the floor. The room didn’t have a bed just the mattress. He put me down on the mattress kissed my head and left the room.

I fell to sleep as soon as I hit the mattress. I woke about an hour and half later to go to the toilet I was still extremely drunk although I felt a lot better. I stood up and tried to walk to the bathroom without falling into anything.
John came into the bathroom while I was on the toilet, I was too drunk to care. I finished on the toilet, and stood up.
“Where is everyone?” I asked John.
“They’ve all gone its nearly 2am” John told me.
I nodded to let him know I heard what he said. I just wanted to go back to sleep. I went to walk out of the bathroom, but John stopped me.
“Can I have a kiss?” He asked.
His face was getting closer to mine. I pecked him on the cheek and walked out the bathroom.

I staggered back to the room with the mattress falling on the floor twice on the way. I got there and got under the covers and closed my eyes. John came in not long after I had got into bed. He got in under the covers too. Facing the wall away from him trying to fall back to sleep. I felt his hand slip round my waist. He was cuddling up to me. I turned the other way facing him and laid against him. I was starting to fall to sleep when I felt John taking my leggings off me.
“What you doing.” I asked in a sleepy voice.
“Just taking these off for you. You’ll be more comfortable.” He said.
By the time he had finished his sentence he had already taken my leggings and knickers off. He laid back next to me stroking my hair as I fell asleep. I could feel his face close to mine his breath on my face. It stank of cider. He kissed my lips. I was really annoyed because I just wanted to sleep.
“Don’t I just want to sleep.” I said. I closed my eyes and I felt the room spinning again. I was having difficulty keeping my eyes open.
“Just one kiss before you go to sleep.” John said laying over me.
He went in for a kiss. I kissed him. I was hoping he didn’t get carried away like last time. I was kissing him for about ten seconds before I pulled away.
“No. Come here.” He said grabbing me and kissing me again.
“I’m going to sleep now,” I said. Pushing him away.
“Not yet your not.” He said. He started to take him tracksuit bottoms off.
“I’m going to sleep!!” I said loudly almost shouting.
He laid over me and tried to kiss me again.
“John just get off me. Stop it!” I shouted. I started crying he was been pushy again.

I laid there underneath him, moving my head every time he tried to kiss my lips. I felt his hand underneath my dress.
“Please don’t. I just want to go to sleep.” I cried. Although sleep wasn’t the problem anymore.
“Shhhh.” He said as his hand got further and further up my dress.
He lifted my dress up and started to force him self inside.
I cried out; “No! I’m sorry please stop.” I wasn’t sure what I was sorry for. I guess it was for whatever I had done to make him do this.
“Just shut up!” He said as he started pushing himself in and out of me.
“I’m sorry please stop your hurting me.” I cried.
“Shh. It always hurts the first time.” He whispered in my ear.

It seemed to last forever. Maybe he was taking a long time because he had been drinking, but I just laid there crying antil he finally stopped. I laid there still crying John turned the other way and went to sleep. I’m not sure why but at that moment I wanted nothing more then for him to put his arm round me, tell me he’s sorry, but he didn’t.

I must of cried myself to sleep because the next thing I new I was waking up and it was light outside. John was still asleep, I was so scared incase I woke him up so I crept out of bed found my knickers and leggings on the floor and put them on. I walked through to the door that got me out of the flat. I just wanted to go home. I pushed the handle down and tried to push the door open. I was locked! I had no idea where John may have put the key. I started to cry I slid down the door and started to cry.

[Anouska]

This is really good sweet, great writing ...

[sdixon]

wow is all I can say, and that I am excited to see if there will be more

[Yan-yan]

Thank you!
I'm am realy glad to see some positive replys :)
I'm going to start the next chapter tommorow it should be posted by saturday.
I hope you keep reading.

[crazykat]

Wow this is really good

[Yan-yan]

Umm "/ I have just read it my self, I do relise that theres some of the wrighting isn't great.

Chapter 4 is on the way. Thanks for reading you guys :)

[crazykat]

Can't wait :)

[ColourExplosion]

:D I can't wait!

*pokes you*

Fasterrrr! :P

Cheryl.x

[Yan-yan]

Sorry about the short crappy chapter.

Warning - Triggers, Self Harm, Suicide, Possibly Substance abuse.


Chapter 4

I was sat against the door with my head in my heads. I wanted nothing more then to just go home. My head was throbbing, I felt like I was going to vomit and I couldn’t stop crying.

I something on the other side of the door, then I heard someone unlocking the door from the other side. I jumped up. The door opened it was Johns friend I now knew his name, it was Paul. I don’t know how I remembered I was so drunk last night.
“What’s wrong?” Paul asked.
“Shh Johns still asleep, and nothing I just feel crap.” I said and started crying hysterically
“Don’t cry, I’m not surprised you feel crap you was hammered last night.” Paul said while attempting to put his arm around my shoulder.
“I going home.” I said moving away from Paul.
“I’ll get John up; the lazy bastard should be up anyway.” Paul said laughing.
“No! I’m going now anyway.” I reply quickly.
“I can’t let you go when you’re upset like this.” He said, sounding sympathetic.
“No really I’m okay I just want to go home.” I replied, wiping the tears from my face.
“I’ll walk you then.” He replied he squeezed my shoulder.
“Thanks.” I smiled. I didn’t want to be alone but I didn’t want to stay there.
“Do you want a beer to walk with?” Paul asked.
“No thanks I feel sick.” I replied.

We left Johns and started walking to my house. Paul lit a Joint had a couple of drags and passed it to me.
“Thanks.” I said taking it immediately.
I started smoking this joint taking a large drag. I started to feel funny. I didn’t want to feel normal. I wanted to be as high as a kite. I was puffing away antil all of a sudden I got extremely nauseous. I passed Paul his joint back lent over and puked all over the pavement. Paul started to laugh.
“Its not funny!” I said as I continued to throw up.
“I’m sorry.” He said although he didn’t sound sorry, he was still laughing.
I finished been sick and started to laugh myself I couldn’t stop I didn’t even know what I was laughing at. We carried on walking and chatting on the way.
“Well you can leave me here I only live round the corner.” I said as we approached my street.
“Alright then I’ll see you again soon.” He said, he patted my shoulder and walked off.
It was an awkward goodbye because I didn’t know him well enough to hug him, but we had been chatting all the way my street. He seemed to be a nice lad.

I got home got a drink from the kitchen before walking straight through to the living room. My mum was sat on the couch behind her two laptops as usual. It appeared that my older brother had brought my niece to visit. I was happy to see her but it was the wrong day for visitor’s.
“Jenna.” Tara my 4 year old niece said as she ran up to me putting her arms out for me to pick her up.
I bent down to pick her up but I couldn’t. I had no energy, I fell to my knee’s and hugged her.
“Hiya Darling.” I said giving her a kiss.
“****ing hell Jenna what’s wrong with you, what the **** you done to your face? You looked like death.” Jason my brother said.
My mum didn’t look up from her laptops.
“Do you have to swear like that? In front of Tara as well there’s no need for it. What you talking about anyway?” I said sounding annoyed.
“Look in the mirror.” He said looking serious.
I walked over to the mirror I was shocked at what I saw. The left side of my face was blue grazed and swollen, I had a cut above my eyebrow.
“Jenna you’ve got a poorly face.” Tara said.
I didn’t want to worry or upset her, so I replied by saying.
“I know silly me I fell over.”
“Fell over? Yeh right. Probably pissed up again
“Can you shut up.” I said to Jason.

I left the living room and walked towards the stairs.
“Jenna where you going?” Tara said in a whiney voice. I was usually really happy to see her but not today.
“I’m going upstairs darling. Are you coming?” I replied. I didn’t want her to come upstairs but she followed me anyway. I put a Disney film on for her and went into the bathroom to get a flannel.
“Have you been going to nursery?” I asked Tara as I wiped my face. It was stinging so bad I tried my best not to show it.
Tara started to tell me about nursery and her friends and teachers. I really didn’t care at that moment in time but I continued to chat with her and pretended to be interested.

Before the film had ended Jason shouted up he had to take Tara back to her mums. I was relived although I felt guilty for not paying much attention to her. It was hard I’d never felt like with her before I just had nothing to say, I did try with her but I just felt all awkward. I just wanted to be on my own.
I gave her a hug and kiss then told her that I would go and see her one day that week.

They had gone I was finally alone, well my mother was downstairs but she never came to check on me so I was more or less alone. I laid there on my bed in so much pain. It hurt when I laid down, my whole body felt bruised. I had no idea what I had done to my face, it assumed it was probably carpet burns I fell over so many times the night before. I went into the bathroom and put the shower on. My mind of blank all the way through the shower I was in daydream but I wasn’t daydreaming about anything. I actually couldn’t think I couldn’t move, al I could do was stare. I got out the shower and immediately got dressed. I kept thinking about how messed up everything was. How I’d messed up. How I didn’t deserve to be around anymore. I felt so guilty for just been alive. I didn’t want to die, but I felt like I didn’t have a choice anymore. I had to do it for my family’s sake I was thinking about how ignorant I was with Tara she deserved better then to have me as an auntie.

I wanted to die so badly but I was so scared. Selfish I guess! I was still alive although I didn’t deserve to be. I just felt an overwhelming guilt that wouldn’t go away.
Right! I need to die now. I thought to myself. I stood up and walked over to my dressing table I took the book that I hid the blade in out of my dressing table.
I shock the book making the blade fall on the floor. I sat on the floor; picked out the blade I was so scared. I dug it into my wrist and dragged it along. It my just a scratch I was to scared to actually do it. I held it on my upper wrist; well it was technically my arm I held it where my vein was. I sat there for a moment trying to get the courage to push down deep enough to split my vein. I thought about how much I deserved to go and convinced myself it was for the best. My family and friends would be better off without me. I pushed it down and closed my eyes. I pulled it across my arm as fast as I could. I looked down at this cut, it took around half a second before it started pouring with blood. It was flowing out so fast I had never seen anything like it. I started to panick. I picked the towel up that I had thrown on the floor after my showed and held it tightly. I could see the blood seeping throw my pale pink towel and turning it ready. I was shaking uncontrollably I was so scared.

My bedroom door opened:
“Shit! Jenna what you done?” It was Katie. My mum must of let her in.
“Nothing! Shush! Please shut the door.” I said still shaking with terror.
“God! I’m sorry I have to go get your mum.” She said. She sounded worried too like she didn’t know what to do.
“No! Please don’t!” I cried, as she left my room.
I heard her run down the stairs.

[moonbeamangel]

This is really good cant wait to read more x

[ColourExplosion]

Wow thats really good.

Moer please? I wanna see what happens wth her mum!

Cheryl.x

[Yan-yan]

Chapter 5

I heard mum coming up the stairs. She seemed to be taking her time. I was laid on my bedroom floor with my back against the wall. Squeezing the tower that was wrapped around my left arm. My mum walked in she didn’t speak. Neither did I. I felt weak and I didn’t know what to say.
She knelt down next to me, took my arm and unwrapped the towel, the blood gushed out. She wrapped it back round and held it there tightly.

She tried to get me to my feet. She walked me downstairs. I walked past Katie who was stood in the hallway.
“I hate you.” I said to her as my mum walked me down the stairs.
Still nobody replied I felt invisible. We got to the car and Katie walked away, still not speaking. As we got in the car my mum told me to put pressure on the towel. I listened.

On the way to hospital I sat watching the cars in front of me everything was blurred. I was shaking but it wasn’t panick I’m not sure why but I felt extremely calm. Too calm! My mum was telling me to stay awake. I can’t remember much I remember my vision closing in and everything going black.

The next thing I knew I woke up with a drip in my arm. There was a nurse stood over me.
“Where’s my mum.” I asked.
“I’m not sure I think she’s popped outside for some fresh air she should be back soon.”
I attempted to stand up.
“I’ll go out to her.” I said.
“Ohh no you can’t do that.” The nurse replied.
My mum walked through to the room I was in. I didn’t speak to her but it was nice to know she was there. We may not of had a great relationship but I needed her, and she was there. Not long after the nurse left the room, a different nurse entered. She asked my mum if she could wait outside, while she spoke to me.

The nurse introduced herself as Nikki. She seemed much younger and nicer then the other nurse.
“Right Jenna. I’m going to ask you a few questions is that okay?” She asked.
“Yeh that’s fine.” I replied trying to be polite,
She started to ask me questions like why I had cut my self. Was It a suicide attempted. Have I done this before?
I lied and then continued to lie some more as she was asking more and more questions. I told her that I had had a bit of a bad day and I thought that might help. I lied saying it was an accident and I didn’t mean to go that far.
I think my story sounded a little rehearsed, I wasn’t sure she was convinced.
After she had finished asking me questions and scribbling everything I said on her clipboard. She said:
“Right I’m going to discuss this with one of my colleges and see what they think. Is that okay?
“Well why do you need to discuss it? I told you everything!” I replied sounding annoyed.
“Because you are classed as a miner I have to get a second opinion but I’m sure you will be able to go home.” She said with a sympathetic smile.
I agreed and said it was okay. Although I wish I didn’t.

The next thing I knew I was getting wheeled to the children’s ward. They explain that I had to talk to a specialist.
“Well I’m going to walk out of here there’s nothing you can do I’m not waiting here all night.” I shouted.
“If you do that Jenna we would have to call the police and social services.” One of the nurses replied in a stern voice.
Me and my mum waited in a room for around two hours before the specialist arrived. I asked my mum to leave the room while I spoke to her. I was talking to her for ages telling her lie after lie. She seemed to be believing me although she seemed annoyed. Maybe because she thought it was a waste of time. I think she was more annoyed at the nurses then anyone else.
She told the nurses that I was fine and that I was okay to go home.
It worked I thought to myself.

Before I knew it I was in the car with my mum driving home. I looked down at the clock and was surprised to see that it was almost 4am.
I got home and went straight to bed.

I woken at 11am by the sound of the house phone ringing. It was Katie she told me she was coming to see me..
Katie arrived I was still in bed I apologized for saying that I hated her. She understood better then I thought she would of. She understood that I didn’t want to talk about it. I seemed really upset though, I could tell she was trying to hide it. She sat on the side of my bed holding my bandaged arm.
“Why didn’t you say something? Why didn’t you tell me you was feeling this bad?” She looked as though she was about to cry.
I tried to make a joke out of it.
“I had an Emo moment.” I laughed.
She didn’t find it funny.
“You could of died!” She said. She turned away as she started to cry.
I didn’t reply.
“And what you done to your face?” She asked as she turned back around still crying.
I had forgotten about my face.
“I fell when I was pissed at Johns the other night.” I laughed
Katie laughed too. “Typical you.” We both started to laugh.
I put my arms round her told her I was sorry that I hurt her doing what I did and that I understood she had to get my mum.

My bedroom door opened I turned to see who it was.
It was John. I tried to hide my bandaged arm under the covers.
“I don’t know what your hiding it for Jenna. Katie has already told me.”
I looked at Katie in disbelief I couldn’t think of any words that would express to her the way I felt at that moment. John came and sat on the edge of my bed next to me. He took my arm from underneath the covers and kissed the bandage. I pulled my arm away:
“Get off me! I looked at Katie both of you get out now. I don’t want to see either of you ever again.” I shouted.
“Jenna I only told John because I know you have been getting close and I knew he would be worried!” She said sounding defensive and kind of shouting back.
“Did you not hear me! I never want to see either of you again!” I said sounding very vicious.
Katie stood up.
“John are you coming she obviously needs time?” She asked him. She was talking like I wasn’t even there.
I laughed sarcastically; “You’d like that wouldn’t you.”
Katie ignored me and waited for Johns reply.
“No. I’m gonna stay for an hour or so.” He said. Katie sat back down. I wanted John to stay just so he didn’t go with her but I didn’t want to be alone with him.
“Are you both deaf or stupid?” I asked.
“Katie just go your only making it worse.” John said.
Katie left looking annoyed that John didn’t follow her. It wasn’t Johns fault Katie told him she was the one to blame.

John looked at me;
“You need to calm down she was just worried about you that’s all.”
“I need to calm down? She’s my best friend there was no need to tell you anything! Anyway didn’t I tell you to get out.” I said. I was so angry.
“I’m staying! I’m worried about you.” He replied holding my hand.
I wanted him to care so much, and he did.
John sat next to me for at least an hour talking. It reminded me of why I loved him so much. I had been thinking about his negative side way too much. He’s so caring, and loving I knew he loved me. He didn’t have to tell me. Maybe he didn’t love me like I loved him but I knew his love was there. He told me he loved me but I couldn’t imagen him loving me like I loved him. I needed him! He didn’t need me.

[sdixon]

wow, great update

[Yan-yan]

I'm glad your all still reading. =]
I wasn't sure if you was still reading Shannon, i'm glad you are though! =D.

[ColourExplosion]

:) Amazing update! I love it :D

Cheryl.x

[huggles]

i am liking this story..more please (",)