recovery from psychosis leaving a void? and other questions pertaining to psychosis

[Cedrus]

i hope i can articulate myself well here as its a bit muddled in my head.

i have schizoaffective disorder and have been poorly on and off since around 2006/8. ive found the right combination of meds (aripiprazole 20mg and clozapine 400mg) and they're working well. i still experience some stuff but nothing life before and i can recognise that it might sound strange to others. some of the things i still experience now is beyond difficult to explain.

anyway, now, now im left with a great big void and a lot of confusion over. when i was poorly as it took up so much head time and even though it was extremely scary and dangerous at times, i felt somewhat special to have been chosen. my head is clear now (to an extent), and im not preoccupied by the researchers, but its left me feeling empty. and to some extent i miss the psychosis as now i have to face reality which is really quite frightening and upsetting. can anyone relate?

another question i have is, when you've been poorly can you remember the start of hospital admissions? because i often find the first month or two i cant recollect what happened.

last question, does anyone find the medication makes them dull? i feel like my spark has gone and i havent been able to cry over my nans death.

thanks if you read that!

[not_so_insig]

I too miss the feeling of being important although strangely I don't miss the voices being there 24/7.

I remember the last admission but I don't know it's because I was depressed rather than psychosis. I remember the first but none of the subsequent admissions.

I don't find the medication makes me dull but I don't get the heavy feeling that you get on meds. But when I was on tablets (I am on a depot) I used to get it so I can relate.

[Bellatrix]

I can really empathise. I have schizoaffective disorder too and I'v found a combination of medication that alleviates most of my symptoms (amisulperide and sodium valporate).

I don't miss the voices/images and hate it when they come back. BUt I have a void almost... like suddenly it's so quiet and I'm not seeing things that scare me. t's like something has been taken away.

I've found keeping busy with new tasks/hobbies has helped. Keeping up socialising and maintinaing an active social life is vital for me. Fill the void with things you've not done before. Make it so that you're fulfilled without the psychosis.

I hope you become more okay with it in time.

I don't remember much of my hospital admissions. Especially those moments where i've had incidents or at the start of an admission. It's a very strange feeling to know time has passed and you don't have any memory of it. I find it a bit like dissociation in that way.

I do find a slight 'slump' on my tablets. I don't get sedated by them at all but I feel medicated. It's not necessarily a bad thing but it's different.

[Cedrus]

Thank you very much for the replies and sharing of your experiences. im relieved that im not the only one to feel this way.

[cough cough]

My psychosis wasn't particularly malicious, it consistent of a very strong religious belief which was very grandiose. I'm not going to go into detail about it because I'm still convinced certain people are spying on me and would google certain words and track me down. I too have Schizoaffective Disorder BP type and being numbed down by antipsychotics has killed the joy of the delusions and my religious beliefs.

[nowhereman]

I don't want to talk too much about myself in your thread but will answer your question since you asked for others experiences, which I hope us sharing will only help us all figure stuff out.

I defintely relate. I am missing time before and including my first hospitalisation (in 2004) No one will tell me either which makes me think it must have been bad and embarrassing. It bothers me that I don't know but I'm also afraid to know in case it makes me feel worse. I guess I wasn't well so it wasn't really me, but knowing people saw me doing whatever I did...

Lately I miss it too. It mostly felt nice for me too, like I was someone, I was important. Even the scarier things I thought still gave me a sense of power. For the first time in my life. And I just need to escape from "reality" now.

It's strange because I was so depressed and suicidal for so long and it was only when I became psychotic and actually felt great, that they decided to hospitalise me. I can see now that it was because I was suddenly a problem to everyone else with my strange behaviour, whereas shut up in my room crying and hurting, well that was only my own problem.

I lost the ability to cry when I went on medication. That was in 2003 and it's recently come back. It's so strange to go from not being able to cry no matter how much I needed to, to suddenly not being able to stop. It was actually scary too, I got so used to not being to release that way so being able to again, well I would cry so much I thought my heart would break from it. It's kind of dried up again now.

Lastly I just want to say, the psychosis is defintely coming back on and off. I am even suspicious about and believing things again from my first episode in 2004. There are certain things I'm only realising now that I feel were covered up by the hospital. Of course it would be written off as me being psychotic, which is probably true but still, I can't shake it off. And there are things I'm afraid to tell anyone for what could happen if I did.

Sorry to go on, thank you for asking this and making me feel less alone with it.

[HildaOgden]

I have been feeling less preoccupied over the last couple of days & it has left a void definitely.
I don't really remember my hospital admissions which is probably a blessing