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Escalation of SH
I think I can post this without breaking any rules. I'm really just wanting to hear if other people can relate to this.
I totally understand the wisdom in insisting that severity of harm not equate to severity of distress. I completely agree with that. When I was 12 or 13 and SH'd, I'm certain I was far more distressed than I am when I do it now at 39... and the same is no doubt true for others.
But it also seems that each time I stop and re-start, it escalates faster and further than the time before. So simple maths means that the damage is now far more serious than it was when I was younger. I don't know if this is common to everyone? I don't want to imply that my SH matters more now than it did when the damage was less serious but it adds another dimension. Part of me longs for the days when I could do something one night, patch it up and carry on the next day like nothing much had happened. Now it seems like each time I do something, there's a multitude of unintended side effects that interfere massively in my capacity to 'carry on'. It was also driven home to me last month when I was in hospital. I saw my file had written across the front: 'warning - history of serious and life threatening self-harm'. I had never thought of it like that and it kind of shocked me but also made sense. That's why each time I do what I do, it has all these other consequences (trying not to be graphic).
Anyway, I guess I"m just wondering if there are other long-term SH'ers who can relate to this. I'm questioning whether this is this the point where the rubber finally hits the road and I begin to take it seriously. It feels a bit like a cross-roads but maybe I'm being overly dramatic :)
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