I am so tired I could fall over. Now I would fall over but I still wouldnt sleep... I cant sleep! No matter how hard I try. I absolutely hate going to bed on a full stomach... the feeling of a full stomach.
I feel so alone here. I have Hilary, she is very very nice, but I want my best friend here with me. You start to go a bit nuts when you every little move is watched under a microscope.
I am being truthful as I can here. But even being truthful gets me in trouble, which is frustrating. Lke this weekend I can have visitors or go to visit because I have purged a few times. But really, what do they expect? They are packing 2000-2500 cals in me a day... I literally do feel sick! That is in all honesty what i am used to in a weeks time.
I know that I am here for a reason, which is to get better. And I know that these people arent out to get me.. they are out to get me better so I can live a good life. It makes me feel guilty for feeling so frustrated and sad.. because we are all working so hard and still I feel against them.
I think I just ranted. I am sorry. Just not so well right now I guess. Ill get though because I have to get through and want to, I am just finding it so darn difficult.
***hugs***
oh sweetie i'm sorry that you are having such a hard time with being in the IOP program there(i hope i got that right sorry if i didn't, sometimes my memory just blanks on me). i know what it's like to have your every move watched and it sucks. it's not a lot of fun. eating that much everyday is going to be really hard at first and probably for a little while at least but you have to trust them to know what they are doing which i know is hard and one day eating that much won't be that bad. sorry if this doesn't help you too much. i just wanted to say that i know what it's like but didn't really know what else to say and i wanted to say a little more than just hugs. take care of yourself as best you can and let some of these other people help you out too. remember we are always here for you ready and willing to listen.
i dont really know what to say write now, but just to let you know we'll all behind you babe, you can do this, you will get better.
take care
*hugs*
xxx helen
Hunny would it help you to write down what you want to achieve from iop? It might help you focus your treatment but also give you an aim to go for beyond being better because at the end of the day better encompasses so much and so little at the same time.
Can you talk to a staff member about the sleep issue? Maybe see if you could rejig the food you take in at night or the time that you eat it? If this isnt possible they may be able to give you hints about how to manage the feelings. I know that if I am feeling stressed before bed I won't sleep but if I get it out by writing or ranting etc. I am much calmer than otherwise? Could you try this?
I understand how being truthful is frustrating when it isn't rewarded. Could you again speak to someone about it say that you want to be truthful but hate that you get punished for it. You never know what psychobabble is behind it and it may help you get a clearer insight into things?
It's normal to find it hard and the fact that you are still fighting shows how strong you are. I hope it gets easier and am sure it will but until then good luck take care and kisses xoxox
When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty. ~Woody Allen
Is a chocolate muffin loving glitter ball
stick at it. If you can get through this rough part, and start to overcome the ED'd thoughts, its downhill from there. I know what you mean though, when you're used to not much food and suddenly you eat a proper meal or something and it makes you feel sick. I hate having a full stomach too. But your body needs to repair itself, and then you won't feel sick any more.
Take care. x
s a r a h
* pm me * eating disorders info *
"Between two worlds life hovers like a star,
twixt night and morn, upon the horizon's verge."
- Lord Byron
If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off! (hmm)
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: (West Midlands) Staffordshire "UK"
I am currently:
Kate, i'm so so glad you know that they're not out to get you, because they are totaly not. they just have your best intrests in mind that'll help you in the long run. Try to remember that okay.
I am so unbelievably proud of you right now. Words can't describe how much im proud . I know how hard it is eating that much in a day. But please try not to dwell on it too much. Alot easier said than done but you know !
keep hanging in there though please, because i really do believe you can over come this. You can do it =D. I have every faith in you chic.
If you ever need to talk, just poke my PM button okay =D it doesn't mind one bit.
*hugs*
I don't really know what to say sweetheart, but we're all here for you. You can PM me whenever.
You just have to keep going and keep fighting, and I know you can do it. You've show what a strong person you are time and time again.
<3
Kate you are so so well and i am so proud of it honey *squishes* there are bound to be times when you feel down and like you want to pack it all in but you are so strong and it really sounds like you are going to pull through this. you will live the full and great life that deserve.
. I know how hard it is eating that much in a day. But please try not to dwell on it too much. Alot easier said than done but you know !
