I'm learning so much at practical training now and also started to do vaulting again. There is so much stuff for my brain and body to process that I feel like I need 1 or 2 hours more sleep. Does anyone else get this?
It feels good though, not exhausting in a bad way but a good way as if I'm developing or something. I imagine that that's how babies and toddlers feel when they are growing and developing.
You survived the abuse.
You're gonna survive the recovery.
I'm sorry I just feel so violated and like I fail and I'm making myself fatter and i should stop. I'm sorry I feel unsafe and I'm sorry I shouldn't post here.
Everyone has the right to post on here Cheryl. Don't apologise for feeling unsafe. Its good you've felt able to reach out to us on here.
I understand the feeling of violation very much and it does get better. You can and do heal. Some people heal faster, some people heal slower but the healing still takes place.
Are you getting any sort of psychological support for this such as therapy/counselling? If not I would recommend it - it is a safe outlet for your feelings and emotions. What happened to you was not your fault, you were at a place where you didn't know how to say no.
I also get the food issues - can I ask what ED you have? I can't do much than say its gonna be ok coz I don't know whats up with you - and you don't have to say.
*hugs*
GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
Thanks Liddy. Sorry I was a mess earlier I wrote stuff down and I'm now a bit calmer just extremely anxious and hyper vigilant as I'm home alone. I feel scared I can hear kids outside and it's making me remember things. I am having trauma therapy and ed services but I feel i don't deserve it. I seem to be doing a lot of falling apart outside of sessions too. I feel it's getting worse. I have anorexia. I just wish I could cope alone but I can't yet.Oh yeah and it's Jess xx
glad you feel a little calmer Jess, but sorry you are anxious and hyper vigilant, anything you can do to distract yourself especially as you are on your own.
how is everyone doing?
"Never be a spectator of unfairness or studpidity. The grave will supply plenty of time for silence." Christopher Hitchens
'When words fail, music speaks'
I am transsexual and homoromantic and proud to be.
I'm glad you're getting help Jess, especially with your anorexia as ED services help is hard to come by. You will surprise yourself one day with the realisation that you can cope alone and live alone. I have fought for 18 months to get a therapist so don't take yours for granted. Build a trusting relationship with him/her and use what time you have left with him/her to good use. And make the most of the ED services too. And you do deserve them - if they thought you were a waste of time and worthless they would not have offered and given you this help x
GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
Hi. I'm new to the forum but just spotted this thread which has made me happy because I have a Dx or a DD and it's hard to find active threads anywhere specific.
I've done some therapy and am trying to manage but it's quite iffy.
Anyway, I look forward to getting to know you all more.
Hello! Welcome to the thread. I'm not sure on your abbreviations, they are different to the many I know - is DD Dissociative Disorder?
I'm Liddy and I suffer from strait forward dissociation and 'blanks'. I have little concept of time and often 'lose' time especially when I'm out alone. I cross roads without looking at times when I dissociate when out alone. Men's voices alone can trigger me dissociating too.
We're a mixed bunch here, all with different problems which also tie in with each other too.
Hope you feel at home. x
GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
Hi Utopia, welcome. I'm Oliver and I have no official diagnosis of dissociation, but my psych thinks I have some form off dissociation from what I have told her.
hope you are doing ok.
Liddy how are you?
"Never be a spectator of unfairness or studpidity. The grave will supply plenty of time for silence." Christopher Hitchens
'When words fail, music speaks'
I am transsexual and homoromantic and proud to be.
Hi. Yeah Dx of DD meant diagnosis of dissociative disorder.
I'm currently not otherwise specified last I was informed. I struggle with a range of symptoms from losing time, altered state of consciousness (like losing feelings and sensations or only getting photo snap shot like memories), if I'm struggling a lot I get 2 voices who come and go and derealisation stuff, and feeling unreal.
There's other stuff too but I'd be here all day if I tried to remember. I do the traffic thing too, nearly got hit by a double Decker once and had no idea until the driver pulled up beside me and shouted out the window because he realised I had no idea.
Mine is linked to a lot of things but going outside and being around people makes it worse but it's sometimes better because if I'm not detached I get so anxious I want to slap myself and smash my head on the wall.
Hi Utopia, welcome to the dissociation thread!
I'm Laura (host) and I (we) have Dissociative Identity Disorder, or in other words we're multiple.
Sometimes we refer to ones self with 'I', then someone is talking about themselves and sometimes we refer to ourselves with 'we'. This means we are talking about the system (or a group of the system).
I am so hypersensitive when it comes to musik! It's exhausting. Yesterday they played some film music and it made my hands shake and I thought my legs as if they were jelly. I hate it when that happens. Can anyone relate? What is helping you with this?
Laura
You survived the abuse.
You're gonna survive the recovery.
I can relate in a way Laura, I get jelly like legs when listening to music especially when it is loud, but I think it is when the music brings about emotions and passion in me, if that makes sense? probably not explaining myself very well. so probably different to what you mean.
how is everyone?
"Never be a spectator of unfairness or studpidity. The grave will supply plenty of time for silence." Christopher Hitchens
'When words fail, music speaks'
I am transsexual and homoromantic and proud to be.
Welcome Utopia. How is everyone? I think I can relate too Laura. I find certain music can leave me feeling very raw and emotional. I feel so numb and dull right now.
I can relate in a way Laura, I get jelly like legs when listening to music especially when it is loud, but I think it is when the music brings about emotions and passion in me, if that makes sense? probably not explaining myself very well. so probably different to what you mean.
how is everyone?
You sad what I meant to say. It's the emotions that the music is expressing that I'm so sensitive about. It's ok as long as it is 'good mood' music, but if it is something sad or if it builds up too much tension I can't cope. Usually I just leave the room, but when I have vaulting I can't just leave.
I don't think I'll be comfortable enough to ask them to turn off the music.
You survived the abuse.
You're gonna survive the recovery.
Hi Jess, sorry you are feeling numb and dull, anything you can do to relieve those feelings?
I am feeling trapped inside myself, can't explain or express my emotions.
I know what you mean Laura, although I tend to listen to emotional/passionate music a lot, but it does get to me and often has me in tears. I don't know what vaulting is, but is there anyway you can reduce the volume of the music, like wearing ear plugs?
"Never be a spectator of unfairness or studpidity. The grave will supply plenty of time for silence." Christopher Hitchens
'When words fail, music speaks'
I am transsexual and homoromantic and proud to be.
I don't have any issues with music. For me music can help because I shut my eyes and if I'm zoned in to just my hearing then I often drift into sleep which also helps a lot.
Every time i have a major episode I eventually get put to bed, or a mild one where I'm still in control and I can't manage I just go to bed and sleep it off for a good while - and music helps me with that.
Thanks Oliver I'm sorry you are feeling so trapped here if you need to talk. That sounds tricky Laura vaulting sounds fun though. I'm also glad that you have that way of coping Utopia. I keep feeling really unwell ( but I think it's due to emotional stress) I don't mean I'm making it up does anyone else get this? X
