Returned

[Xye]

it is with a heavy heart that I am returned to this place.

things are getting bad for me again and there's is nowhere else to turn, no friends to call upon,no one to notice my decline. not that there ever was.

there is so much to explain, reasons why, events that have happened, all of which have lead me to this point, right here, right now.

maybe I am tired and should sleep. let darkness take me and with the new light new hope. but do I want this hope? it is dangerous this hope, to me, can I in good conscious allow myself to come into possession of such a thing as dangerous as this to me..... I don't know. but it will happen anyway, and will hurt all the more for knowing I could have and should have done something about it....

I know I speak in riddles and half truths, and suggestions but to write all that is on my mind would take more hours than I have available to me.

[pea soup]

Hi there,

I am sorry that you seem to be going through a lot of confusing times. I'm not sure how to respond. I don't really understand what you need. I understand that you are afraid of having hope, probably because to us hope can be dangerous. We don't want to be let down by others or especially ourselves.

If you could explain a little more, maybe we could offer more.

Much love.
xxxxxxxxxx

[Xye]

firstly thanks for your response.

it is difficult to explain what is going on to be honest. to most people I can appear reasonably normally, I have a job I even recently got a car, took I still live at home with my folks but in our current economic CLimate that's not altogether unsurprising. but these things these material things are just trinkets and toys compared to what matters.

friends and relationships. perhaps the most important part of life, though how would I know? seen as I've never had them... mostly I get by by making believe that people I've accumulated from the darker corners of the internet actually give a damn. of course they don't but at least it makes me feel moderately human when someone consents to speak with me. its better than the alternative, at least short term.

[crazykat]

How are you doing now? Just because things appear to be great on the outside doesn't mean that they are on the inside. It sounds like you have alot of inner turmoil at the moment, that is a hard place to be.

Relationships are important, it sounds like it is something you miss and something you crave which is understandable. I think we all need people in our lives because it makes us feel valued and like we are worthwhile. Have you considered joining some sort of group so that you can get out there and meet new people?

[Xye]

Quote:

Originally Posted by crazykat

How are you doing now? Just because things appear to be great on the outside doesn't mean that they are on the inside. It sounds like you have alot of inner turmoil at the moment, that is a hard place to be.

Relationships are important, it sounds like it is something you miss and something you crave which is understandable. I think we all need people in our lives because it makes us feel valued and like we are worthwhile. Have you considered joining some sort of group so that you can get out there and meet new people?

Hi Kat. Thanks for your reply.

Weekend was rather rough as I was home alone, works ok ish because I at least see people and sometimes get to talk to people. To be honest I pretend everything is fine because maybe if I pretend hard enough and long enough it will become true. Its what they suggest for confidence anyway, if you act it you will become it so to speak.

And yes relationships are the one thing I want but can seemingly never...
I was diagnosed as having Social Phobia and the medication they put me on made my hair go thin on top of my head so now I'm even more self concious when in public... I have little time now for groups and so on with work as well not that I can really think of anything I would like to do.

Thanks again.

[crazykat]

I can relate alot to the pretending and hoping it will change things. Sometimes to move on though we have to acknowledge those difficult feelings so we can work through them even if it is painful.