Yeah I know I haven't been around much for.. well months and months..
To those that remember me.. to cut a long story short, After discharging myself from EDU last year, It's gone way down hill.. I've moved to adult services, ok that's ok actually, I can see at some point it will be amazing.. but I;'m living in hell right now.
I can't function well.. my body's giving up it feels like. I'm having regular blood tests, they're messed up through all the purging, I'm getting unexplainable bruises.. yeah all sorts, most physical things, i'm getting them right now.
I'm failing bg time with being able to do any work this holiday. I hate it so much, not being able to do it, especially with exams looming. I can't put them off AGAIN.
However, I do have an amazing boyfriend now, who i feel truely happy and comfortable with... it's just the rest of my suckish life i can't deal with.
The thoughts the.. everything. I am drinking more than i should, I've started smoking AGAIN... but I don't know why, I'm not doing it consciously but.. it seems on the outside i'm in self destruct, but i don't know if i am. My depression though is suckish, horrendously bad, but these AD's give me horrible side effects, then I forget to take them, or can't on a bad few days so i go right back to the beginning with them.
I don't know what to do. I should technically be in hospital... but i guess i'm not entirely truthful with my weight, I don't know why, it's like a compulsion. Also i'm scared, petrified. My diet is SO limited, that the idea of hospital is even scarier than before... evenn though i know my body's crumbling the longer and longer this goes on. Christ it's been 3 years since i had a period.. it should scare me, but i don't know if i've given up hope? bah
I'm sorry for such a depressing post after such along time.. i just need something, anything from people, even just one person that understands.. i mean you can be surrounded by people... but they just don't "get it"
oh hun, this breaks my heart. i know we havnt spoken, but i remember you. i dont really know what to say... except i am thinking ofu, and i 'get it'. sometimes when your the most unwell, it is the hardest to get help
Chels, sweetie, I've been wondering how you've been doing. I'm glad that you posted. And I'm very sorry to hear that you are struggling so much. I wish there was something I could do to help.
I know that treatment is scary. Especially inpatient treatment where you are under constant care and surveillance. I really understand. What kind of support are you getting from adult services? I know that they are there for you to help...but you need to allow them to help you. Being honest with them is the only way they will be able to help you the best that they can.
I am so worried about you. Do you think you could discuss with your team about going back into EDU? I really think it would be the best place for you right now. I know it's not a place you really want to be, but I think it's what you need...
I'm here for you baby girl.
Jess x
I wanna stay inside all day
I want the world to go away
BabyChels,, I've missed you & worried about you a lot lately.
It pains me a stupid amount to hear you aren't doing well,, you are so beautiful & so much life ahead of you.
Have you thought about talking to your boyfriend about going into hospital for a while? I do think its the best place sometimes & I think you know that too. How's your mum with all this, has she suggested anything?
Oh Chels sweetie. You know i love you right? Your card still is on my desk. I still wish for you recovery ever single day.
Message me if you want to talk, yes?
Maybe you could think about what you want now? Where you'd like to be eventually and how much of that you can cope with now?
Making small changes i found more helpful than jumping from ED to 'normality'. Things can be easily overwhelming and if your health will allow you its time for you to make the changes you know you need to make..all in your own time..while thats permisable.
“Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles.”
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